How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

Hope you got home okay OP.

This sounds rubbish for you.

Are there other pressures at play, for example if you life with parents for free so you feel obliged to give back to the family in some way?

I’d just tell them all that I’m feeling burned out and need to step back for at least six months. Then, when the six months is up you can reset the terms to what you’re prepared to offer, whether that’s a paid service, some kind of labour exchange, or even no more babysitting at all. There might be fall out - but you need to put yourself first.

If you aren’t comfortable just saying no then start to ‘fade it out’. To make sure you don’t fall back into the habit literally diarise how often you did it in the last month and then I’d make the following month 20% less, and again the next month and so on until you do the ‘odd’ time only maybe once every couple months max (if that suits you as Ininagine you have great relationships with your nieces and nephews). Are you doing 3 times a week for each sibling? Also add some ‘friction’ in like having to arrive half hour later than they want or leave half hour earlier so or they need to pick you up and drop you off as car having issues. Slowly you’ll be a less desirable babysitter but you’re not saying ‘no’. Put the heating on yourself and make bit of a mess with the kids. Eventually they’ll have to get a backup which will replace you when you’re not available. Do you live with family? Of live alone or shared house easier to say (whether true or not) that you’ve taken new hobby or work course or evening job (to save for house deposit) that unfortunately is on the day they request most often. Good luck!

Personally (my hair is on fire on your behalf), I'd be laughing hard in their face, saying, 'no bloody way you el cheapo bastards, find some other mug, you've run the length of your rope with me', and hanging up as hard as I could. It's so annoying how you can't slam a phone down on people now. And let them have their big bloody feelings. Absolute wankers that they are.

I like this!

Is it usually on a Saturday night for them to go out? If so I wondered about you finding an activity you really enjoy that meets on a Saturday night so that the “other plans” excuse can be used with significant regularity? Personally I’d just say “no” but if you want a “legitimate” excuse that might help?

Woman or man up and tell them no. You've had enough, and they should stop asking you.

Don't give a reason, just say no.

Join a cult, or at least pretend to
Evangelise to them, and their children, bring and read cult literature for the children, say an extended grace based on your unusal religion, teach the children songs from your cult, the more sinister the better
Set up some sort of ritual induction to cult ceremony when you know they are coming home, so they can interrupt you. Bonus points if it involves robes/and or blood.

Babysitting requests will dry up overnight

Alternatively, get a paid role as a babysitter, and when they ask just say -
' no, Im already WORKING that night, cant cancel, need the money... well, its not as if you ever pay me'

OP they sound like overbearing bullies. Time to really put yourself first. They’re not going to magically stop asking so the only way to change this is to tell them it ends now. And be firm when they complain.

Good people don’t treat others like this.

Pretty sure you've posted about this before.

Say no.

Don't wait for them to ask again.

Tell them straight away 'I won't be babysitting again' and when they ask why, 'I don't want to' or 'I have other commitments on my time'.

Just make it clear BEFORE they ask/expect, last minute, that it isn't happening again.

They are CF's but if you have never indicated to them that you don't want to do it any more, they are going to keep on expecting that you will do it.

You might be able to do it without upsetting them by moving halfway round the world but maybe not even then. But they're not bothered about upsetting you so why would you worry about upsetting them?

The not even turning up the heating makes me particularly angry. I'd turn the heating on for a pet, let alone a person.

'I'm not longer available to babysit or provide free childcare', do not give a reason unless you are happy and confident to give the reason as being that you no longer want to, which I would say and have done. And leave it at that, it sounds like you are easily trampled on and they manipulate you into feeling guilty. Stop letting them, maybe go on a 'how to build resilience with family' course. It will change your world. Best of luck with the cheeky cu fiends

There comes a point when you realise you’ve been a mug for far too long. I’ve just had my revelation and am currently stomping round london in a mood at myself at the audacity the whole family has had for so many years. Granted, I allowed it but no more. Sick of being the family bank, guarantor, carer, driver and essay writer. Ppl say oh they’ll be grateful once they’re older. I’ve seen none of that from anyone in 13 years. I’m done lol. OP, just be out whenever you’re needed or have imaginary diarrhoea each time. F their anger. They’re only angry that the free ride you’ve provided is coming to an end.

Say you have COvid and cannt see anyone ...ever...for a very long time

They'll stop asking if you turn up late every time, put the heating on high, eat their food and let the kids make a mess which you dont clear!

They are taking you for a mug. Let them get angry, the entitled users.
Why do their feelings trump yours?

Take SORRY out of your vocabulary. Stop saying "Sorry". This is Your life and you are not Sorry for it. Stop saying that NOW and never say it again.

Say you are busy and are not able to babysit. Live YOUR life and do not apologise for your life again. That is it.

Tell them you’ll do it only if they pick you
up and drive you back, have the heating on and have dinner for you. If they are annoyed, remind them that you are doing them a favour and that you won’t do it if they prefer.

Say you've been doing free babysitting for 10 years and you don't want to do it anymore. Suggest they babysit for each other. Stick to it, no being manipulated into carrying on. Your time is precious, don't waste it on these selfish siblings.

I’m sorry but they do not care about you, at all. No one who does would treat you like this. This is a hard truth, and might take you some time to process, but your siblings neither value you nor are decent people themselves. You might be thinking ‘this random person on the internet doesn’t know them, they’re good because x, y, z’ but honestly, whatever those reasons are do not make this behaviour acceptable. They are selfish and they are using you, therefore they are not good people and they do not value you.

First and foremost, you need to get some therapy to explore why this is so difficult for you to extract yourself from and accept. Work with someone on building understanding and ability to say no. This will be difficult, it will hurt, and it will cause problems with your family when you finally tell them to stop using you and start appreciating you as a person not a service. Your relationship with them may never recover, but you will one day be okay with it and have gained so much more for yourself in the process. Be brave, I am sorry that you have this type of family, but you deserve better than this if you are just brave enough to do the work

Behave like a doormat and expect to get shit wiped on you.

who gives a shit if these horrible people are angry?!! They don’t give a shit about you op clearly!!

You are being taken advantage of and you need to start standing up for yourself. What's the worst thing that could happen if you say 'no' more often? They get the hump? Let them. So what! This behaviour from them is truly exploitative and you are letting it happen. If you have doormat written on your forehead expect people to walk all over you. I'm sorry to be a bit harsh, but your post has really angered me and I feel very bad for you.

Tell them to set up babysitting group with friends. Each one keeps the 'book' for a month. If one of the others wants a babysitter, they contact Bookie who asks others who is free that day. And makes a note of how many hours.
B sits for C for 3 hours. B thus has 3 hours banked. D will sit for B for 3 hours, thus earning 3 hours. Sometimes one, . E will have minus hours - put a limit on them - e.g. 6 hours and they have to be redeemed before E can ask anyone to sit for them.

Or babysit for each other.

I actually think they will take more offence if she keeps "failing" to come through with the babysitting.

It is far better she speaks to the actual issue. they aren't just anyone: they are her family. Increasingly on here I understand why families are so fractured these days: no-one actually communicates like articulate humans. They just block or repeat mantras like computers.

And yes they may ignore it, but that tells OP what she needs to know. Avoiding the issue tells her nothing. And when you say "waste your breath," it will take all of 40 seconds to say what is bothering her. Relationship skills are so stunted these days. The world just blocks and grey rocks and moves away from family. Yes, there is a time and place for that, but it is better to actually try to have a functional communicative exchange in the first instance.