Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

I feel there must be some sort of backstory as this on its own doesn’t warrant either you getting pissy or him calling you a selfish cunt.

I often eat with the kids, or DH does. There is plenty of food in the fridge to make ourselves or each other later in the evening if one of us has already eaten. Walking into DH cooking a meal for him and the kids that he knows I wouldn’t eat and wouldn’t even be hungry for yet wouldn’t even register with me to get cross about.

Whether it could make a difference or not may depend on income. A minimum wage couple probably couldn't afford to cook more than needed if she cooked for both later not realising he'd already eaten although a wealthy family it wouldn't impact as much

Which is why it’s so weird that the adult did that

I was told to go by both DSD and DP. If I had not gone there would’ve been snide comments from DP

Why do you think he’s done something to the norm this weekend?

you dont like what he was cooking so cant expect him to make it for you but you could have expected him to discuss the dinner plans with your first especially if he was deviating from the normal plan.

im not sure anyone deserves to be called a selfish and for me that would now be a bigger issue than the original issue.

The man s

sorry. The man sounds like a dick on multiple levels

He absolutely shouldn't have sworn at you, that's awful.

But I find your behaviour bizarre. It's much better for someone to eat with a child and you can have child free meals and meals out during the week.

Usually we like to ready as a family but if for whatever reason that doesn't happen, wonder hasn't eaten sorts ourselves out. No sarcasm, no passive aggressiveness and no swearing.

Wow!

I normally eat with DH after the kids are asleep at 8ish. Either of us will cook. Quite often, I’ll be hungry the same time as DCs so we’ll all have mac and cheese or fish fingers and veggies at 5ish without pre-warning DH. I’ll just tell him I’ve eaten when he’s cooking.

If he came down and sarcastically said “don’t bother making me anything then” or similar when I was plating up for me and the kids I’d think he was being a baby and tell him so (not in front of the kids though). Probably wouldn’t swear at him though.

Did you leave out a few escalation points in this story? Or is he in the habit of speaking to you this way? Otherwise, it sounds like you overreacted a bit because of an underlying feeling that you’re being neglected, even though rationally you know he’s doing the right thing. And he massively overreacted- that’s violent language, even if he wasn’t physically violent. Maybe go for some marriage counseling, sounds like there’s a lot of resentment here on both sides

Surely he could have just sat with you instead later and watched whilst your eat?

He's unable to cook her something as an alternative or even acknowledge that he was planning to have dinner at a different time. Its pretty simple manners really

@emmalynnxx
That 'Selfish Cunt" declaration ?
Would seal the deal of getting rid of for me
Could he not have cooked a meal the 3 of you would've enjoyed??

He sounds really horrible OP, so you were told to go by him & his daughter and so you had to wander round by yourself? Because if you didn’t he would make snide remarks - I guess in front of his daughter? And then he cooks & doesn’t tell you & calls you a cunt?

What is he like the rest of the time? Because he doesn’t treat you very well in front of his daughter, he excludes you & abuses you.

Ok whose house is it? Has he moved in with you? That helps give context…

Think its more sinister that your mind jumps right to that when a father spends time with his daughter. Thats very much a you problem

Why are you cleaning the bedrooms? Why isn’t Superdad cleaning up after his daughter ? What’s your housing situation OP?

Has that happened before? how long have you been together?
The dinner episode was one thing.
But both of them telling you to go?
Especially as you had been giving them space during the day and with the lounge sleepover anyway. Whilst you have to stay upstairs out of the way??? That's not on.

It sounds like an awkward set up.

This episode sounds like there's a bit of a backstory and you are finding the whole thing quite difficult.

Do you rent? Share a mortgage, is the house in both names.?
You said sometimes, she prefers your company - are you doing much of the childcare, and has he decided he's not happy with that?

I am not upset DP cooked for DSD. I am not upset that DP chose to eat at 5pm.

I am upset because it was just done - no discussion. I was cleaning up the house and came down to their dinner being plated up. I would have appreciated a shout up - “having some food, you want any?” Or anything really. It’s not permission, it’s just manners. The same as if I was getting a takeaway on a night we usually eat together and it just arrived, he’d be miffed. I feel sad that he never cooks at all, and when he has this one time, he didn’t even think of asking me.

So there is a back story, then. People rarely start threads on here if there isn't.

I know we haven't heard a lot (there's clearly more), but I think we have heard enough. There's enough tension here that a minor dispute over changing dinner plans causes you to get unduly upset and then him to call you a selfish cunt. I suspect everything else you could tell us will point in the same direction.

This morning he said he was taking DSD shopping. I said that’s lovely. He said well you’re coming aren’t you? I asked if they wanted to go on their own, DP said no that’s weird. I said alright then I’ll come, DSD told me I had to come otherwise she didn’t want to go.

I think you're getting some harsh responses on here OP.

But you're also not answering some key questions:

• how long have you been together?
• how old is DSD?
• Does your DP have form for talking to your in an abusive way?
• Are you resentful of DSD or his relationship with her?

It sounds like there's backstory and a weird vibe going on, for whatever reason. Either your ongoing resentment (that he's pissed off with) or his ongoing belittling and inconsideration of you (that you've reached your limit with, hence your passive aggressive behaviour)

I’d imagine she just wanted a bit of basic courtesy. All it would have taken was for him to let her know that he was making dinner earlier for himself/his daughter and whether she wanted to eat with them?

You don’t eat bacon or cheese though so it’s completely different to someone getting a take away and not offering any. He was making carbonara for himself and DD he knows you don’t eat it so didn’t offer. If he had of offered you carbonara what would you have said?