Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

This!

Every single word of it.

Start re-evaluating this relationship, OP.

DSD is there every single weekend.

That makes no sense, OP. If your stepdaughter were your daughter, she would be living with you all the time, and you’d just be living your normal life at weekends, not traipsing around by yourself and sitting in your bedroom.

The moment he called you a c—t is the moment you should have told him to take his kid and get out.

Sorry, I don't understand all your abbreviations - is DP "Dear Parent"?

But what I really don't understand is anyone calling a family member a "cunt." Is that how your family talks?

What he said is out of order but you have massively over reacted. You don’t eat the ingredients in Carbonara. Maybe he was cooking it for her and thought ‘oh I’m hungry.’

He was unreasonable for swearing at you. You were unreasonable for objecting to him making a meal for him and his dd when you didn't like it or want it. Presumably if it's fine for you to sit and chat while dsd eats alone, it's equally fine for your dh to sit and chat while you eat alone?

The family dynamic doesn't seem very healthy. Why didn't you go around together when you were shopping?

Oh come on now lovely what ARE you doing here? How have you let this ridiculous situation happen where you're playing mum to his DD and being treated like a twat by him and you've only been together a year and a half? This is ridiculous

You've misread this and taken the opposite meaning away from it

Nobody who called me a c**t would ever be in my bed again.

This place is very weird sometimes. Of course YANBU @emmalynnxx

It’s rude and weird that he just made their dinner with no discussion about it. Surely this is obvious? Who would really just make the evening meal for only some of the family with no chat about it?

Then the swearing is awful.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but do you live together? I wouldn’t want to live like this.

last thing: on no account have children with this man

Exactly this.

You weren't even being selfish! Calling you a 'selfish cunt' knocks all other arguments out of the frame, imo. Does he actually like you, @emmalynnxx? From here, it looks as if he views you as an annoying house slave.

All he had to do was shout up and say “Hedgehog, DSD and I are cooking carbonara and eating now, do you want us to do you something for now or later?”

YANBU

I’d be leaving for that. He can be an actual single dad and get on with it

I think we're only getting one, heavily-edited, side of the story here.

OP I’d have this moved to relationships if I were you.

In no universe is it ok to call your partner a selfish cunt.

It sounds like he is looking for another mother for his daughter and he can’t manage parenting alone. He could have given you the heads up about dinner and mentioned it and he absolutely shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. You haven’t been together for long, sounds a bit full on to me.

In normal households, when 1 person starts making dinner, they ask the other members of the household if they would like some dinner.
Not sure what kind of household you live in but it sounds more like a backpackers.

Well the communication in your relationship is pretty poor. He could've called up the stairs " Hope you don't mind but dd wants me to eat with her tonight" or said as you came in "Sorry, dd wanted me to eat with her, are you ok to sort yourself out later?". You also could've been less petulant about it. But frankly, once he called you a cunt I can't see how you can tolerate this man any more.

He was impolite not asking you if you wanted some food, even if you didn't.

He should not have called you abusive names when you called him out on it.

Does he just want you as a nanny with a fanny if he expects you to join in everything with his DD all the time?

I get she is sweet and you like her, but she is his DD and you should be free to have some childless time if you want it.

I would really rethink this relationship.

But why would he ask her if she wants some when he knows it's a dish she doesn't like and he already knows she doesn't want some. That's nonsense. He made himself and his DD some food, he didn't need her permission for that. All irrelevent when he called her a c*nt though. That's the issue I wouldn't be able to get past.

He shouldn’t have called you names, but all you had to do was ask him to tell you next time he was going to eat with his daughter, so you knew you had to cook for yourself. Not act like a petulant child.

Why did the relationship with his kids mum break down i wonder

The only thing he did wrong was call you a cunt. That would be enough for me to think he's a very unpleasant man who I would have doubts about being with.

Not including you in a meal you wouldn't eat and a time you don't want to eat it? And then offering to make you something else anyway? Not so much.

@emmalynnxxyou are very involved with SD for only being together 18 months. He’s insisting you go out and go things with them is wrong. I’d struggle to stay in with someone else’s child every weekend. You didn’t answer about the living situation?
I don’t think I’d have moved in so quickly. Also being called a cunt is probably relationship ending for me.