Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

J can't believe anyone would try and justify someone whose first response in a disagreement is to call you such names.

He has no respect for you. I would leave.

What’s in it for you? You don’t get any time together at the weekend because he has his DD (this isn’t usual btw, most couples agree on EOW so the RP can have some weekend time with them too!). You presumably have no children so you’ve given up your weekends for someone else’s. Your “date nights” are wine and a meal in your house when his DD goes to bed. He then decided tonight not to cook for you or even inform you he was cooking early and called you a cunt when you challenged him.

Obviously he shouldn't have called you that.

But you were sarcastic then when he offered something to pacify you, you refused it. You're pissed off about him not plating you up a meal you don't eat which is weird. And you're pissed off with him for choosing to eat with his daughter which is unkind of you, it's really good to share a meal with our children and chat about all kinds of things. It's not nice for her to eat with you both watching her eat. She must feel awkward. It's like you're waiting for her to finish so you can pack her off to bed and have your "special date night" dinner.

It would have been nice to you if he had given you some warning that is what he was planning, but given you didn’t want to eat that food and you didn’t want to eat at that time I don’t think he was being unreasonable to not also cook you something else too early.

It is okay for him to occasionally change his routine and eat earlier so he can actually eat with his DD, even if you would rather eat later. But he could have explained that to you so you had a heads up and could sort yourself out.

his language is awful but you were difficult, you didn’t like what they were eating and didn’t want to eat at that time? So what did you want?

Yes of course, I think it was the lack of telling me and my sarcasm didn’t help the situation.

It’s more the fact he didn’t shout up and let her know he was cooking and ask whether she wanted anything at the time. He waited for her to come downstairs, see he was plating up a meal she wouldn’t eat and only then offer to make her something else. It’s not the usual meal time for them so OP presumably wasn’t hungry. It’s selfish. He also called her a cunt when challenged.

Spot on.

The point is

op goes out of her way to make herself scarce, ( spending evening in her bedroom, shops on her own)
the sd is there every weekend so her and dp never get that to themselves
hes cooked, something he knew Op wouldn’t eat, at a time she wouldn’t want to eat and didn’t even check what she wanted or if it was ok to eat with sd rather than his usual eating together later.

he's a selfish prick and op has every right to be annoyed

He called you the worst name after a small disagreement. He would be cooking for himself every day as i would be leaving the moron.

That’s vile. Sorry for you. How long have you been together.

Why should he need permission to eat when he wants to eat with his own daughter?

I feel like this isn't really about the dinner but a culmination of resentment about him and his daughter and you feeling pushed out, not coming first for him.

Frankly i would be more concerned about the “sleepover”.

that is not normal.

You're not! He's been excluding you all weekend.
Calling you that name should be a game changer. He either apologises or you walk (or kick him out if it's your place)

This. If any man called me that it would be the end of the relationship.

If this is the pattern every weekend - you spending it on your own and him with his daughter I would think about discussing some changes because this doesn’t sound sustainable. Don’t beat yourself up about the sarcasm that was a reasonable response to him not discussing dinner plans with you. His swearing at you was not a reasonable response to your sarcasm.

Nothing wrong with that, but lack of communication about dinner and calling the OP a cunt is pretty poor.

Asking would she mind? He doesn't have to ask for permission to eat dinner with his daughter! And given the OP's happy to have one person eat by themselves each week, it really shouldn't be that much of a big deal for her to eat by herself tonight, he can still sit with her.

His reaction was rude and unkind, but calling it abusive is just insulting to actual abuse victims.

DSD is very young. I know loads of parents who don’t eat their evening meal at 430/5!

Until you got to the last bit I thought fair enough, he was cooking early and you don't want to eat early, but you don't put up with that.

He should have told you the plan ahead of time. He should not have called you a selfish cunt. You should LTB.

Any man who calls his partner a c*nt is a misogynist. Get rid.

YABU because it sounds like he was cooking DSDs dinner and then felt hungry so thought he’d have some too - which is fine.

I guess he could have told you that he was eating early but I don’t really know what difference it would make because chances are he may have wanted to eat later on too and so thought he’d wait and see closer to the time.

YABVU for your sarcy response - why does it matter that he’s eating earlier when he was cooking anyway?
It would be very different if DSD wasn’t there and he’d simply chosen to cook for himself and not anyone else.

So, that doesn't mean your dp needed to ask your permission to eat with his daughter tonight.