Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

I wonder what the responses would have been if I’d have left out the “step”…

3/4 of the post was a load of meaningless back story, just to position yourself as a hero/martyr … and so very very understanding

Then a tiny bit on your sarcasm, and rejection of his attempts to pacify you.

Should he have said “cunt” no. Should you have been sarcastic, no.

I think you both need to grow up a bit.

⬆️ This! I would not put up with that either! Totally unacceptable.

I think what likely made you feel as you do is that you probably wouldn’t ever cook yourself some dinner without asking if everyone else wants it, you’d always consider others first. He’s the selfish one here, ironic he called you that.

Sorry, I said 6yr old. Not sure where I got that from!

Should he have said “cunt” no. Should you have been sarcastic, no.

You appear to think a sarcastic comment is on the same level as being called a "selfish cunt"??? Wow

It’s just the lack of communication, isn’t it? If he’d said to you that he was thinking of eating dinner with DSD tonight, but it would be carbonara, and did you want to sit down together for dessert later when she was in bed, or did you want him to cook you something else to eat with them or whatever, I bet you wouldn’t have felt like this. Whereas he’s not just not made you any dinner, he’s changed your whole evening routine without saying anything.

Amazed some people think this is ok. I can't think of a scenario where my husband would make dinner for him and his daughter and not say to me that's what he was doing. You probably shouldn't have been sarcastic but we can all do that from time to time. I have never called my husband a cunt and neither has he. My ex husband cheated on he and I never called him that. Not acceptable.

A lot of the matters arising would be moot if she were both your DD

This is just all very weird. You dont eat early usually and dont even eat bacon or cheese. He wants to have a meal with his DD. Would it kill you to eat on your own. Surely you have him to yourself most of the week anyway.

You said shes very young. Tbh you sound about 5.

tbh though I don’t feel it’s super nice you don’t normally eat with her and just watch her

That's what I thought. How to make someone feel uncomfortable.
I think I'd have moved dinner time earlier when she is there. You can have wine later. You live with him. She doesn't.

if you normally eat together later and discuss it, it’s weird and rude to include one person out and make an early meal which you also know they don’t like. Can’t believe people don’t get this

Í assume you are female he is a man. In the child’s normal place of residence, sure have a camp out in the lounge.

but this is visitation and in my opinion, father over kill at best. At worst something more sinister.

Op are you married because if not I would be considering my position in this relationship.

His daughter sounds as if she is being given too much autonomy and choice about the shape and content of the weekend. That's not good parenting it's spoiling the child. She's 6.

Oh how ridiculous

HE can’t get out at the weekend. You can do what you want, you don’t have a young child by the sound of things. I wouldn’t be letting him treat you like a nanny or cleaner.
His language was out of order and a massive over-reaction

Well you dont eat at 5 and you dont eat cheese or bacon perhaps he fancied eating now.
Surely you could have just asked dp after dinner for heads up next time

Are you married?

If not, she's your partner's daughter, not your stepdaughter. If you were her mother, surely you'd be eating dinner with her.

You sound a bit resentful of your partner taking the time to actually parent his child and sit down and eat dinner with her instead of letting her eat by herself so you can have your dinner and whine at 9. Think about that for a minute or two.

Has he been verbally abusive or called you names before?

It would have been courteous of him to tell you what he was doing, fine if he wants to eat with DSD that’s quite sweet but not on not to just say sayBTW this is my plan for dinner”.
It would also be courteous not to call you a cunt - that’s absolutely not okay! I’d keep it calm tonight but when DsD has gone make it abundantly clear that speaking to you like that is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated again!

5pm is very early to eat. Lots of people (me included) can’t / won’t eat that early

I think the step is actually completely relevant here. He has limited time with his child and it sounds like they don’t get proper quality time alone when he has her and he is probably missing that. If the daughter is going through a phase of liking her dad and wanting to spend time with just him and not you he is probably feeling quite conflicted.

He definitely shouldn’t have called you names, he’s very unreasonable for that, but to expect him to never eating dinner with his child is also not right. I always ate dinner with my kids, and my parents always ate dinner with me growing up. It’s an essential part of childhood according to me. Although, we never ate as early as 5. Why don’t you start having dinners with her and then you can have wine and snacks later.

I’d go get yourself a delicious take away later op and wine and I wouldn’t share anything.

Personally I'd have been even more worried if you were actually married to, and had a child with, a man who calls you a cunt. Was this in front of the child?

I mean you don’t like bacon or cheese. And you didn’t want to eat until 9pm.
so he was being reasonable…. Until he called you a c*

They perhaps wanted some 1 on 1 time since you've been following them round all day. You have all week with dh for life. Dsd only seems him on weekends for the next few years.