Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

I did reply after saying he should have given her the heads up initially she made out like it’s cause there was no food made for her, but she didn’t want it anyway.

It’s actually she’s annoyed she’s not getting to eat later with him like they normally do when the kid is in bed - fair he should have let her know.

But it’s a dad making and having dinner with his daughter who doesn’t live with them, she’s coming across as jealous she doesn’t get her date night !
she can still eat later he can still sit with her and chat and have a glass of wine ! she upset the daughter took priority

I didn’t say he needed to ask permission? When there’s a plan to eat together later it would have been nice to be told rather than come into a meal being prepared and me not even being asked.

And he was very wrong to call OP a selfish cunt.

I agree with this. No one has ever spoken to me like this and if anyone ever does it will be a one time event.

That's ridiculous. I had sleepovers in a den in the living room with my DC when they were young. It was fun for them.

Did you want him to ask if you fancied some carbonara or did you want him to ask for permission to eat with his dd?

He can still drink wine with you later.

“The first time anyone called me a selfish cunt would also be the last time”

Me too. Whatever else is going on, there’s a level of civility that I think should exist between people in a relationship. I know some people think that sort of discourse is perfectly acceptable, but I absolutely do not, especially with DSD presumably within earshot.

I would have thought you were bu until he called you that op . It all sounds not great

He shouldn’t be calling you horrible names.
But tbh this is a weird sentence from the op. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours. It sounds like you’re in some weird competition with her.

I cannot believe the people (including the OP) glossing over him calling you a selfish c word. What sort of man uses that language to their partner of anybody for that matter? Does he often use that language towards you OP? You seem very blasé about it. The rest is just irrelevant IMO.

DP called me a selfish ct

That escalated quickly. Does he always call you disgusting names every time you get irritated? Whatever the rights and wrongs of dinner, that's pretty appalling. I could be with a man who was a bit thoughtless here and there if he was otherwise good to me, but not a man who called me names like that.

I think if you are at the point of a boyfriend calling you that it’s time to move on. I wouldn’t tolerate that.
You sound incompatible.
He’s a dad you are wanting dating like you are both child free. Find someone child free.
I think it’s a bit miserable for dsd to eat tea alone, most families would try and have a family tea at weekend (especially if they have to eat late in week after child due to work work)

Personally, I think you made a big deal over nothing initially.

BUT...

He then called you a selfish cunt, which would be a relationship ender all by itself for me. I don't tolerate insults or name calling in a relationship, and neither should you.

Seriously?

maybe OP should have picked the plain spaghetti out of their plates (see meatballs thread)

This.
If my DH decided he was going to cook for him and our DC, I’d be delighted BUT I’d expect him to tell me. And, likewise, I’d tell him.

How old is DSD?

I just find it strange that two people who live in the same house don't discuss what's for dinner.

On my later work evenings I'll usually say don't wait for me I'll sort myself out. Or I'm having x later on do you want me to do yours or are you having something else.
I wouldn't just unilaterally cook for myself and ignore the fact that my husband is in the house!

I mean it doesn't sound like it's going swimmingly. I would plan the next 2 weekends away on your own and re-evaluate once you've had some time away from them. Is he worth the hassle?

I don't think you're being unreasonable or selfish. It's not like you're saying he can't eat with dsd. It's the lack of consideration. You're a family after all. Sk fine if they're eating something you don't like but since he's making dinner he should be aware of that and have/offer something for you. As well as explain the change of plan to your usual routine.

You are both unreasonable

Your behaviour wasn’t great, but there is no excuse for calling you a cunt. Not a chance would I put up with that.

I agree!
He really wouldn't get the chance to call me a selfish cunt twice - and doing it in front of his DD makes it worse! If I were her mum I wouldn't be happy about the language used in front of her either.
If the house is in your name he would be out on Monday morning after DD has left if its his house I would spend the rest of the weekend elsewhere and organise somewhere else to live asap.

I wouldn’t be traipsing around a shopping centre alone because dsd didn’t want me to go shopping. That would be up to me not a 6 yr old. I wouldn’t be happy if my DP thought this was ok either.

I would expect my partner to let me know that he was eating with dsd. It’s only polite.

I would finish the relationship if he called me a stupid cunt.

Does he often call you such names and communicate so badly and horribly?

He cooked a meal for he and his daughter earlier than you usually eat and sat down and ate with her. Yay, that's good parenting on his part. Did you expect his daughter to wait until 9 for her dinner? Maybe that's what she wanted?

Are your arms broke? You couldn't cook yourself something when you wanted? You got really passive aggressive because he cooked his daughter a dinner and ate it with her.

DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

What do you mean by that? He's her parent, not you. And his priority is going to be feeding his minor child, not you, a grown adult, when his kid is there.

I think you were unreasonable in the first place. Yes, you were really shitty about the dinner. Starting petty shit with his daughter around, uncalled for.

But that doesn't excuse him calling you a stupid cunt. That was verbal abuse and I wouldn't be sticking around for more.

I think it’s just that on Saturday night we have a dinner together with wine when DSD is asleep. He never eats at 5, and we usually cook together like a date night because we can’t get out of a weekend

Maybe SD asked him to eat with her for a change, or maybe he wanted to eat with her for some reason or another, to make her feel more welcome. Did you ask?

Having said that, if someone spoke to me like that it would be the last day I lived with them.

I don’t thing he really did anything wrong in making a meal he (presumably) likes for him and his child. Possibly he could have said we are eating early are you ok to get something for yourself but it’s not that deep.
However calling you a cunt is unacceptable. I would not stay with a man who thought it was acceptable to speak to me that way.