Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

I agree with Billiewiper. You seem resentful of DSD relationship with her dad.

He should never have called you a c* though. Give him hell for that.

If my partner called me a cunt the inly response would be packing up my bags and leaving.

We’ve been together for 18 months. DSD is 5.

No, I’m not resentful - I think he tries his absolute hardest to be a good dad to DSD, and I think their relationship is lovely. DSD is a lovely little girl. She is funny, well behaved and just a nice kid to be around.

The only resentment I have is the requirement to be involved at the same level as him in terms of - he wouldn’t take her out if I didn’t go. I think it’s important that they have their time together. It feels claustrophobic at times.. last night I didn’t want to sleep on the floor with them, but DP was upset because he thought I was “rejecting” her. I wasn’t - I just didn’t want to do it after a week of work. It just didn’t feel right anyway.

OP isn’t saying he needed permission. The point here is that he didn’t consider her. At all. They have his DD every weekend. She’s young, the routine is that she eats early while they chat to her and then they have dinner later on. He could easily have shouted up to her that he was eating early with DD and did OP want anything.

And l’m not sure there’s any coming back from being called a selfish cunt - OP is clearly facilitating the time DP spends with his DD as much as possible and l think this is evidence that not only is he taking her for granted but he’s got little if no respect for her.

Why the hell wouldn't he? He is an ignorant pig. You don't decide to just cook for yourself and your child and ignore the fact that your partner needs to eat too. I would be bloody furious if my DH did that but, then again, he never would

You don’t need to do the same level as him -that’s him being lazy and controlling. Life is too short for these boring weekends, his endless demands and his rudeness. There will be way nicer man who don’t monopolise your weekend so and treat you with respect

Maybe because adults don't usually eat at 5pm!

They do if they have young kids.

Did he call you a cunt in front of her?

What happened after he called you that?

I would've been straight out of the door (and planning to move out).

I find it very concerning that when a father spends time with his daughter you jump straight to child abuse and counsel OP to ‘talk to the mother’.

Your DP sounds like a needy pain in the arse. Is he like this all the time, or just about his expectations of your interaction with DSD?

At 18 months in, this is sending up enormous red flags. How long have you been living together? When did you meet DSD, if you've only been together 18 months??

Oh fuck off.

It sounds like you have moved too fast. In only 18 months you have moved in together and he has put you in position where he expects you to do childcare for him and spend all your time with his child. You should be in the fun dating stage, not this where he calls all the shots and calls you a selfish cunt.

He’s not a nice person. Luckily, you didn’t have to wait long to find out.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who called me a cunt. Sorry OP.

Fair play to not want to sleep on the floor - this is just lack of parenting from your partner to not give into her every whim! And a young child will have loads of daft things she'd want to do - she's 5! You are doing it a little too - if you really didn't want to go shopping, you should've just said no and did something else. You don't have to go every time and as you say, it's good if they have one to one time. A 5 year old won't really have a grasp of rejection, did that come from your partner?

If your fella accuses you of rejecting her, making things awkward or ever calls you a cunt again, I seriously would be rethinking the whole relationship because it's manipulation and lack of respect. While dating someone with children is tricky, you don't have to do every single thing your partner or step child wants and your partner has to understand that.

What was she meant to eat? Oh yeah she had to make her own food because her selfish prick of a partner could not be bothered to cook something for her or even tell her he was cooking for himself and his daughter and doing nothing for her.

I don't think you're being selfish or unreasonable @emmalynnxx I'd like to think, in the same situation, Id have been fine and just got on with dinner for myself later but in reality I'd have made a sarcastic comment and been pissed off.

I wouldn't be at all happy to have been called cunt either, unnecessary for him to verbally lash out at you because you got called him out!

Why wouldn't he trouble to say 'I'm cooking carbonara for me and DD tonight, do you want to get yourself something else to have with us, or do you want to eat later?' It's not much effort to go to!

He never cooks at all ? Before you said you usually cook together - which is it ? I think you just need to admit you’re feeling a bit put out he has been prioritising his child over you and you don’t like it. Which is a shame as there are a ton of dead beat dads out there.

yes he was inconsiderate not to mention it , but you confirmed we’re hungry and wouldn’t have eaten at that time so you haven’t lost anything and clearly the issue is not that you weren’t offered food. It’s that you’ve lost the dinner you eat together later because he ate instead with his child
he can still sit and have a glass of wine with you it’s not a big deal !
calling you a selfish c isn’t great clearly at all but if you’ve been giving off vibes making an issue he ate with his kid I can see how he’d annoyed

I wouldn't be arsed about his carbonara but if he called me a cunt that would be the end of the relationship.

Many don't. No way could I eat an evening meal at 5pm

You are not being selfish. He is. To not even discuss dinner with you is rude. You do both need to sit down and discuss how dsd times will work. You are making a lot of compromises without any recognition from him.

So he never normally cooks and yet he can make the effort for his daughter but not you! As I said, selfish.

Was it a spontaneous decision? Could it be that he asked her what she wanted to eat, she said pasta, he looked in the fridge, decided to make carbonara and thought that he fancied some? I think that’s entirely fine.

His extreme response, however, definitely is not ok.

Why on Earth would you even comtemplate staying with someone like that? down to calling you a cunt and you're here wondering if YOU'VE been unreasonable. God. Just drop the dead weight and avoid the abusers where possible in future. His poor daughter watching her father teach her that this is how she should accept being treated in an adult relationship.