Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

Come off it. Using the term "cunt" as an insult is abuse on any terms. The term "abuse" is not limited to physical or sexual abuse.

That’s not what OP is saying at all - the opposite. She’s saying the relationship between her DP and his daughter will always take priority so she wasn’t at all bothered by him having a sleepover’ in the living room whilst she went to bed as normal.

He should have let you know he’d be eating with DSD and that it was not something you liked, so you were pre warned. You could have skipped the sarcasm but him calling you that…well, that ends it for me. Whatever went on before, that is a killer. He’d be an ex from that minute. Disagreements happen but he went past the point of no return.

How on earth does OP reacting really quite mildly to being totally ignored when a meal was prepared in her home by her partner equate to her acting with jealousy and looking for an argument?

She already said she didn’t want anything nor would she have eaten that ! He also offered after to cook her something but she said no because it was to early !

if she had wanted something , but she doesn’t want what they are eating is he then expected to cook 2 different meals just so he can eat with his daughter ?

however it’s moot because she didn’t want to eat …. She was annoyed that he ate ! With his small child … who normally has to eat in her own while they sit and watch.

Agreed , plus it’s more jealous than selfish

@emmalynnxx so what I think lots of people are probably interested in, is what did you do for dinner?! Hopefully you’ve had something to eat and a glass of wine? Has DP apologised at all?

I feel it wouldn’t have hurt him to have communicated with you about what was going on…
Hey, Emmalynx, I know you and I normally eat together on a Saturday night but DSD wanted pasta with me so maybe you want to fix something for yourself later? We can still share some wine then!

And to call you the C word is totally out of order.

This.

You go the extra mile for his daughter and he calls you cunt? Off they go, you don’t have to put up with this shit regardless of food and food time preferences.

I wouldn’t tolerate that sort of insult either.

Look, it's just basic good manners. He's cooking for his daughter, how hard would it have been to tell OP and ask if she'd like something so she could eat with them? He only offered to cook something because OP was there and querying his actions, not because he wanted to.

Yes, if you are cooking something in the home you are sharing with your partner that you know they won't want to eat, you should at least offer to cook something else. This isn't a scenario that would happen in our house, but if it did, I'm quite sure my partner would offer to sort out some sort of alternative for me.

It's hardly unusual for small children to have different meals from their parents, and in no way comparable.

Ha, my next door neighbour moved the boyfriend of less than 2 months into her house with her 4 year old. Just awful.

I voted YANBU as he should have told you he was going against your normal routine and asked you if you wanted some. It is disgusting he called you cunt, especially if his DD heard this.

It's great he is wanting to spend some 1 on 1 time with DD. Not enough parents see this is necessary when introducing a step parent. They want to force this we are all family now and expect the kids to no longer see the difference between being alone with the actual parent, they do. However the way he is doing it is odd. Wanting alone time while in your company, just pushing you out and excluding you. He should have gone on the shopping trip alone if he was expecting you to do 1 as and when he liked. The sleepover is lovely as an occasional thing. But if he is expecting you to stay hidden in the bedroom of your own home for whole evenings on a regular, then it is unfair.

Eating seperate from his DD every weekend evening is also a bit odd. You have every weekday night to do that. He should really prioritise having a meal with his DD there. But letting you know this is happening and giving you the choice whether to join. Yeah you dont get any weekend nights as a couple, but this is part of being in a relationship with a dad who has their young child every weekend (and why I would never do it)

I totally agree it’s good manners and it was inconsiderate, it’s sounds like he was cooking for his daughter then was like actually I fancy eating this too . Since she has admitted she wasn’t hungry l; she’s made an issue out of something that actually didn’t affect her- because she didn’t want to eat.

It’s clear she is more upset about the impact it had on her evening later - that he wouldn’t be eating with her - which given he was eating with his child, is ridiculous.

In my house yes we would be we are making xyz - do you want it ? But if it’s a no I’m not cooking a second meal to accommodate!

Probably the same reason some apples are red.

HNRTFT but if any human being called me cunt it would be the one and only time it would ever happen!

DP might be a good father, but he doesn’t sound like a good partner/man.

Its relatively early days, you can leave this relationship and look for someone who treats you respectfully. Someone who doesn’t call you names, who doesn’t have a child that you are basing your life around (every weekend!), who doesn’t exclude you from a meal in your own house. This isn’t a healthy relationship.

I cannot believe some people on here! If my partner made dinner and didn’t even have a conversation with me about it - I’d be annoyed. I’d be even more annoyed that he’d made something I don’t like and didn’t bother making anything for me. It’s selfish and rude.
Meal times sound like a family affair in your house (as they are in mine) and he was being pig headed. The language use was uncalled for and spiteful.

There is no indication that he was just casually cooking for his daughter then suddenly couldn’t resist eating it for himself.

It doesn’t matter that she wasn’t hungry, he didn’t know whether she was or wasn’t when he made a meal for himself/his daughter but excluding her. It’s basic to ask the only other person in the house if they want something too.

It isn’t that she’s more upset about the impact it had on her evening later, it’s the lack of thought and communication she’s upset about. I refer you to the post by OP at 19.01 if that’s not clear.

The amount of people falling over themselves to defend the man in this situation is baffling to me. This prince cooked dinner for himself and his daughter without a second thought to OP, his partner who he lives with. Then called her a selfish cunt when she questioned it. What a low bar.

Communication seems to be a problem for you both. How often does he see his DD? Surely eating with her, even if not his usual meal time, is normal? Better planning and better communication needed. Also don’t be guilt tripped into always going out with them.

How dare he talk to you like that? Red flag language.

I don't think he sounds like a good father as some are saying. I think he sound weak and naive . Young children need boundaries to make them feel happy and secure. Sure they can express their wants and views, but it's up to the parents to make the decision and do the right thing. Being a good parent doesn't mean you do everything they say!

I don't think excluding someone else who lives in the house from a fun activity (sleepover), not even telling them about a meal and being the one to give them "permission" to come shopping or not is something I would allow a 5 year old to do. I think it models unkind behaviour (as does calling you a c*nt but hopefully she didn't hear that.) and it gives them a level of power that is completely inappropriate.

She's learned you and DP are not a united front, that she can play one of you off against the other. This could get worse if it is not addressed.

I think you are probably learning why his marriage didn't work out. I would call it a day - sounds like you are good for cleaning bedrooms and cooking when he doesn't want to but essentially he sees you as a bit part to his main character.

YANBU - he was utterly thoughtless.

18mths is VERY quick to be living with someone who has a young child though, what's with that? It's all very rushed, which is common for men who quickly seek a new woman to do the "women's work" when they have a child.

Calling you a "selfish cunt" was utterly unacceptable and completely uncalled for. And as someone who has NEVER cooked for you, perhaps he should direct that insult towards himself.

Don't waste your years with this selfish, lazy wanker.

Who owns the house? If it's yours, I'd be moving him back out again. He does not respect you.

I think you may have inadvertently undermined your own message. He absolutely should have communicated with you about his dinner plans especially as the two of you normally eat together even when DSD is there, but implying he'd left you out and then saying "it's too early for me anyway" makes it sound like he was right in assuming you wouldn't want anything, which made your initial "nothing for me?" comment sound unnecessary and possibly troublemaking when what you really meant was "I didn't know you were leaving me on my own tonight for dinner; you should have told me". Which is completely reasonable.

But he wildly overreacted and made very negative assumptions about your intentions. Language aside (because people have very different standards), that needs to be discussed once the two of you can talk privately but he should at the least apologise for verbally attacking you and assuming the worst when he himself was initially at fault.

Edited to add: it's also worth really thinking about why he thinks YOU are selfish to interrupt his time with his daughter for a few minutes to clarify a miscommunication, but HE is presumably NOT selfish to exclude you - not just from the normal dinner routine for the three of you but even from normal conversation/knowing what's going on in your own house and that normal, established plans that include you have been changed without your knowledge.

No, you're not being selfish.

He attacked you because you stood up for yourself and reminded him that he's your partner, not just DSD's father, and he knew you were right. An ugly personality trait, that.

How old is DSD? What's with the sleepover thing and ditching you in town? Is he usually such a Disney Dad?