Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

I think any sort of arguing or swearing in front of kids is disgusting.

How did his daughter respond to what you have termed your "sarcasm" and his calling you a cunt?

You don't seem to mention how either of you dealt with her after this disgraceful episode, although you have plenty to say about your feelings. Maybe they're more important to you @emmalynnxx

I suppose she had been looking forward to her dinner and, between the pair of you, you spoiled the day for her. Poor child.

Think you completely missed the point

I was once talking to a man online. I told him it wouldn’t work as he had kids. He kept pushing as to why so before I unmatched
I said I just didn’t want the additional labour that is often expected of step mother figures and the complications of dealing with someone else’s children in a parental role.

He had the nerve to say he was glad when growing up his family had taught him the benefits and rewards of helping with other peoples children 🙄

so yeah just as I suspected he was that kind of man who expected me to play an equal part with raising his kids.

Before I unmatched I said to him “ah that’s marvellous! I love that you have that attitude. Maybe you can use that mindset to find a single mother and help with her children then-good luck 🫶”

The funny thing is I love kids and I’ve babysat my friend kids overnight, I show up to kids parties with presents and pitch in. I bake cakes with my younger cousins. I take kids on day trips to give their parents a day off. I have no issues helping with other peoples kid.

But all that is optional, when you sign up to be in a relationship with someone with kids it’s not something you can easily opt in and out of. And it’s a no from me.

What also hurts Op, and something to think about is as much as you may love the kid if you split up you’ll probably never see her again. And with a man as rude as that he probably wouldn’t even let you say goodbye.

If she’s anything like most 5 year olds she would’ve missed the sarcasm. She wouldn’t have missed her dad’s use of the word cunt though.

Look, it’s okay to be the main character of your life. You don’t need to be a martyr and disregard or minimise verbal abuse against you because a child heard it.

As sad as it is for his child to have a dad so misogynistic and aggressive, OP is allowed to come on and talk about how she felt being called a cunt without centring the childs experience.

I agree with you OP, a quick shout up the stairs. We're eating, do you want some or anything? Wouldn't have cost nothing.

It just the total lack of consideration. Fair enough from a flat mate but come on this guys meant to be your partner. He knew he was in the wrong and called you a cunt because you let him know it.

I had an ex once, that within months was practically living at my house. He would make cups of tea regularly for himself. Never make me one. "You don't drink tea was his response (no but I drank coffee), along with "well you know where the kettle is".

Then he started getting up off the couch silently and dissappearing - to the toliet I thought. He would come back with a microwaveable meal just for himself . "Im hungry" was the response when questioned, - along with "if you want something, you know where the kitchen is"

It took longer than it should have but I got rid!

But yours could be repairable. Some dynamics sound like they need to change. And tell him the way he spoke to you is unacceptable and won't be tollerated. Just remember this if more red flags develope. There's a reason hes not with his ex

From what you have said only the carbonara meal was plated up.

You said that when you pointed out that nothing had been made for you your DP offered to cook.you an alternative ( unspecified but not the carbonara as you had expressed dislike of cheese and bacon which are key ingredients, and you also said weren't hungry so YOU declined his offer to cook something for you)

The plating up of the carbonara would only be relevant if you wanted some , but you said you didn't) .

What you have explained is why you refused he offer to cook for you. You could have eaten it at what ever time suited you. . It's coming across as creating a reason to moan about him eating.l something he and his daughter like ( but not you) with his daughter on this occasion, and not eating with you because he had had his meal with his daughter.

It sounds like a communication / expectation issue. Could be worth having a chat about what the expectations are when DSD visits. You didnt want to do the sleepover and were accused of rejecting his daughter. You went on a shopping trip you didnt feel you really needed to be at, he broke your routine to eat with his child cooking for her when he never cooks for you and breaking your routine that you usually cook for her. So the expectations and routines are all over the place and this is probably causing the tension along with the poor communication. Child needs feeding around 5pm as she probably goes to bed around 7pm. He is totally out of order swearing at you like that. This all is resolvable with discussion and agreement of boundaries / understanding of expectations and routines when DSD visits. However if he is just unreasonable then its never going to work.

You got all bent out of shape because he’s eating with his daughter instead of you. You didn’t want that food at that time anyway, he’s still trying to put it right saying he’ll make you something but you refused, you’re too busy making a point (which was what?) so that got his back up and he swore at you.
I don’t like the concept of ‘step families’ I think most ‘step parents’ make about as good a step parent as the average lion, they maybe work out now and then, this one isn’t, so why don’t you just leave them to it.

As the stepmum u are expected to do the heavy lifting of all the menial tasks- housework/cooking/laundry/Christmas & birthday presents/babysitting whilst partner at work etc.
Appreciation or acknowledgement 🤕🫪🥹 of your years of service? Unlikely. Direct abuse was my thank you. 💔

he wont let her leave them to it any other time because it doesn’t suit him. He never cooks so the op ‘as a stepmum’ cooks for him every day and his daughter every day she’s there- he can’t cook for her one single time and calls her a cunt for being upset when she walks in on him cooking. Why are you defending men who are crap dads and worse partners? Why aren’t you saying she should leave him to it with the cooking more often? Like every night, it would be a warm day in hell before I cooked for that man again.

I was always taught to put yourself in the other persons shoes, and how would you feel. Her husband was excluding her. This would have been easily solved if her husband had just communicated what he was planning ie I’m having dinner with DSD at 5 we’re having ….. I know you don’t like it do you want me to do something or are you going to get something yourself? Not too difficult!
As for calling her the C word that would be the final straw. That’s the only word I can’t tolerate.

Exactly this! But then you’re also expected to be okay not being included in certain events.

I hope this is a wake up call to Op and she gets out now.

And sorry you experienced that!

Never acceptable to speak to you like that!

Eighteen months? So he’s feeling well and truly like he has his feet under the table? If you let this get to 19 months, you’d be mad. Who the fuck does he think he is, calling you names? All couples argue, or disagree. But if you can’t voice your opinion like an adult then you’ll shouldn’t be in an adult relationship. That he’s also having a strop over other aspects of parenting his DD makes it very clear you two aren’t going to be sat in your rocking chairs together.

It’s not about him not cooking, or cooking things you don’t like, or not eating with you. It’s about knowing you were in the house but having so little consideration for you that he couldn’t call upstairs, tell you he was going to have some Carbonara with his DD, and ask did you want him to do something for you so you could eat with them, or whether you wanted to do yourself something later. That little bit of thought would have cost him nothing, and taken seconds. When it has got to the name calling stage, you’re on the countdown to the end.

My guess he lives in YOUR house where he houses HIS daughter

Bin
Him
Off

You have his child every weekend, love her, consider her and by the sound of it you really do know her. You sound like a dream SP and partner. The word c* should never come into DPs mind about you let alone his mouth. Red flag. I hope he apologises to you as that’s very poisonous of him.

That language is abusive. I had that and physical assault followed not too far afterwards. When a man thinks that little of you to call you degrading names especially in front of his child, beware. Currently going through a divorce and got myself a non molestation order. Now I would never put up with name calling. It's a red flag.

Never mind the dinner. What about
"he wouldn’t take her out if I didn’t go." You are expected to share all the outings? Sounds like he can't/doesn't want to parent independently. You have to be there to take the strain.
Also feels like he got the hump because you said you wouldn't do the downstairs camping sleepover and wanted to get a good sleep in your own bed.. and maybe thats fueled the later argument.
He's cross because you were stepping up to the role he wants for you, which is taking the load off him.

Yes, I think saying she was bent out of shape is fair enough.

The language he used was disgusting, but that doesn't suddenly make the OP reasonable; it just means he is foul.

I don't think it is reasonable to have date night expectations when the DD is staying.

For those who are saying "Oh MN just hates stepmums, they would all be on your side if you hadn't said that!" I'm not sure that is true. What I DO think is that if the dc were the OP's she likely have thought "Oh well, that's great she's been properly fed; I can sort something I will enjoy later." Instead, OP is uninvolved in that aspect (and many will say so she should be as it isn't her dc, but the point remains that she IS uninvolved about wanting the child fed) and instead is focused on her "diner a deux. " That isn't a typical response from the child's mother. That's why that dynamic is relevant.

You missing the point . I voted YANBU though over the language he used, not your own sarcastic reaction to him preparing and cooking a meal for his daughter at a child appropriate time and sitting down to join her

I think you are more interested in scoring points over your DP. Thats up to you of course if it makes you feel better today, . But if you decide to dump him I hope it would be for his verbal abuse of you rather than your sarcastic reaction to him cooking his 5 year old daughter a meal you didn't a totally want and having the audacity to sit down and eat with her.
..

It reads to me as if there is tension. You wouldn't be writing about all the back story if everything between the three of you was ok. He was very wrong to call you that but, could it be that this was the straw that broke the camels back?

When the three of you are together you should eat Dinner as a family of three. It's weird making her eat at a different time so you can have date night once she is in bed. Sure watch a movie and open the wine once she is in bed but, do you really need to eat that late? It's not like we're in Spain...

I suspect that he feels that to please you it is restricting what he can do with his kid and it's making him choose. Could you not change your date night to Thursday or Friday when she's not around?

Either way, I think you should leave him. You need someone without the baggage. There's nothing wrong with wanting that. Unless, you're the reason that he split with his child's Mother, then there is nothing to feel guilty about. Go and find a man without kids, there are plenty around.

You’ve only been together 18 months, Jesus wept.
To be frank, you sound like a nightmare, and very immature. I feel very sorry for little DSD having to deal with you. You are complaining because you weren’t offered food that you don’t even like. Utterly bizarre.