Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

dear OP, I've read much/most of the thread, not all. The 5yr old DSD is a sweetie. Your DP - not so much. You've only been living together for 18months. I might've missed how old you are? My feeling is you are quite young. In other words, you have a whole life in front of you. Do you really want to spend it with someone who calls you a c*nt? For whatever/any reason?

No. Good men do not do this. Fly! Run! Exit! Fade away! Whatever it takes to get yourself out of this picture. Better a life being a mad cat lady. This man isn't right. Get yourself a good 'un.

My response would have been 'ooh that looks lovely...leave room for our dinner and wine later'. If the answer was on the lines of no dinner later then I would have said 'you should have told me so I could have planned something else' ...then a separate conversation once DSD was in bed. Its k
just poor communication on his part. I think you both could have handled it better.

Where have I backtracked?

My opinion has stayed the same the entire time….

And given that he and OP were supposed to be eating later together and a meal was planned for both of them, why would cooking two separate meals be an issue for him ? He made the decision to eat with his DD. That’s not the issue. Not considering OP most definitely is. This is the first time this oaf has cooked for his own daughter. The fact that he didn’t even give his partner a second thought and then doubled down by calling her a cunt when she called him out is unforgivable. 18 months into the relationship it’s a massive waving red flag.

DH could have handled it better. OP is the injured party here. Spent the day traipsing round the shops at DP’s request, cleaning DD’s bedroom when they got home and not even worth the consideration of asking what she wanted to eat and when. And then the vile name calling when he was called out on the blatant selfishness. The number of women thinking this is acceptable behaviour indicates that the bar is on the floor.

I couldn't unhear someone calling me a cunt. There would be no going back. It would be game over. How utterly nasty of him.

Their relationship will never compare to yours? Of course not, it shouldn’t be as good.

I’ve found myself in similar situations to this. Mumsnet will tell you that your life and wants come second because you “chose” to be with someone with a child. He also chose to be with you!

yes kids should come first, but not at the detriment to your happiness.

you can never have plans on the weekend because he always has his daughter. Great for him. Shit for you.

I’ve found myself in a similar situation recently where I’ve not been considered. I’ve made it very clear that my consideration stops right here. I no longer fit me and my child’s life around my partner and his kids. My plans won’t bend to accommodate no more. Now all of a sudden he is sorry. Very sorry actually. Probably realised there was more take than give on his part.

id be intrigued to know your living situation. Do you live in his house? How old are you? Because honestly unless there is something major being brought to the table I’ve missed and you’re young enough to start over, I’d cut your losses and set up camp with a childless man who considers your needs and can spend time with you at weekends!!

Everything you have posted is irrelevant other than you were called a cunt. By someone you know and purports to love you. So do not stay with someone who calls that horrific word thatn8 may have shouted once or twice at the football thirty years ago when I was a very young teenager.

🤣🤣🤣 well if you wanted answers it might be good to read all mine, no?

I don't think any part of this day sounds ok, OP. I'd be mulling the whole relationship over from what you've said.

If you usually eat together and he changed plans without telling you then that's odd.

I'm not sure how you could be called selfish unless hes insinuating that you didn't want him to have that time with his daughter, which it sounds like you would have been fine with if he'd mentioned it earlier than when he's plating up 2 meals.

His language was NOT OK and I really hope he didn't say that in front of his daughter.
It sounds like he's got some sort of resentment going on that he isn't communicating. He needs to talk to you like a grown up.

You’ve misread.

So you expected him to stop eating, leave the table (and maybe room), have DD sit on her own, have his food go cold - to cook a separate meal for OP?

And he likely did give OP a second thought and remembered that she doesn’t eat bacon or cheese and therefore doesn’t eat carbonara and so isn’t going to offer it to her.

I think there are many issues in this relationship - him sitting and eating the food he had cooked for his DD is definitely not one of them.

Wow. Just wow.

It’s perfectly reasonable to think that someone might read all the OP’s posts at least. Given threads do move on and far too many people read the OP and nothing else.

It’s not that hard to read the OP’s posts

Why does he have her every weekend

and sounds like he doesn’t usually do stuff for her alone. He wants you to come /do - like the fact you usually cook her meal

yes that’s early for eating for an adult

he could have said I’m eating with my dd would you like some pasta - if you usually eat together

I do agree with you but it has to happen once DSD is in bed, hence the conversation later. All those issues during the day and him cooking for DSD without a thought for the OP are all important but handling it better might have avoided the bad language in front of her. I'm not saying OP is not the injured party and he has acted selfishly just she could have acted differently in front of the child.

Absolutely not ok that he called you the c word .
And in a similar situation ( 5 years olds need their dinner way earlier than adults ) I’d have mentioned I was going to cook and eat early with the little one so you could choose to eat early / eat something else with us or get yourself something later on .
Then you could have planned to pick yourself up a nice meal of your choice at M&S for that evening or make sure you had things in you also liked to pick at that evening

No. I’d expect him to go upstairs to where OP was cleaning his child’s room before he started cooking, and tell her that he was planning to eat with DD tonight, to tell her what he was cooking and ask if he could make a separate simple topping for pasta for OP to eat later or just cook extra pasta and leave her some garlic bread so she could add something later on. This is the minimum standard of consideration I would expect given that up to this point it seems that OP has done all the cooking and cleaning involved in facilitating his child being there every weekend.

Your bar is on the floor and you need to work on your internalised misogyny.

YANBU. He showed you no courtesy, and he called you a disgusting slur over something very minor.

The minute a partner would call me a c**t in any regards, I would be out the door. Whatever happened beforehand, that is completely unacceptable. Even if I did think you were being selfish, that is not an excuse to call you names.

Has he spoke to you in this way before? Surely you know that is verbal abuse?

It’s absolutely not unreasonable to expect someone to ask if they want dinner if that person has unilaterally decided that dinner time has changed.

The OP could have said no and that would have been the end of the discussion, but to come downstairs and to discover that dinner had been served with no consideration as to whether the OP might want dinner is bloody rude.

As for the OP being “jealous” of the time he spends with his daughter, where exactly are people making this shit up?

OP offered to stay home when they went to the shops but it was him who said that she couldn’t, even though they made it clear they didn’t actually want her with them, she just wasn’t allowed that time to herself.

And the first time anyone called me a cunt would be the absolute last.

All she said was ‘nothing for me thanks’. He was the one who escalated to abusive language - and for no other reason than he knew he was wrong.

Bingo.