Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

If a guy called me a c*, that would be relationship over. He needs to show respect - get rid of him. I hope he didn’t use that word in front of his daughter.

Can’t believe this is the first time he’s called OP nasty names and in front of his DSD too.

A more thoughtful way would rearrange visits EOW and then arrange to eat evening meal together having had brunch earlier so OP is ready to eat earlier in evening with a snack close to bedtime. As a one off EOW. Just require cooperation communication and consideration.

But you can’t undo what was said and it won’t improve so I’d be thinking about alternative futures

Yes that’s clearly what she meant. Christ

I absolutely can’t believe the level of misogyny from other women !!

soooooooo much internalised misogyny on this thread

Well reading all the ops posts would give you that information. Kinda entitled to believe she owes you any answers and shows that personality trait with you.

Spot on.

That’s absolutely ridiculous!

No one needs to tell their partner all that.

Are you not able to make decisions without running it past your partner first?

And it’s not misogyny because if I would feel the same if it was OP who had eaten.

As I’ve said, I am shocked how many posters think it’s acceptable for a DH to be annoyed at their wife eating without them.

As I’ve said, if this situation comes up again but the roles are reversed and OP is cooking something that she knows DP doesn’t eat - she absolutely should not feel guilty for eating it.
She shouldn’t listen to posters like you telling her she’s selfish to do so.

There is no expectation to read all posts. Just the OP’s. Because they’re relevant and update as the thread moves on, and that’s how derails are avoided. That’s why there’s a ‘see all’ button under the OP. You should try it some time.

I’ll say this slowly because you appear to have trouble understanding. They have a standing arrangement to eat later when DD is in bed. There was a meal planned and DP changed that arrangement with no prior warning to his partner. He cooked for himself and his DD without even asking OP what she wanted to do. Then name called when she rightly called him out on his rudeness. I don’t know any woman who would do that. Women naturally think of the people they care about and cater for them. That you don’t think that’s unacceptable says more about you and your acceptance of bad behaviour from the men in your life than it ever will about OP.

One can try and over analyse such issues simple is often best , he excluded you from dinner without explanation or any consideration less an afterthought when asked, for some reason he failed to consider you, he then crossed a red line with his words . The minimum is a sit down kitchen table conversation when you are both alone, I would say unless he can explain and apologise with a way forward respect for you has gone and you may have to move forward without him.

Youre both unreasonable, you werent hungry and didnt like the meal. He used foul language

Wait till you are married and ten years in and see how you feel about the stepchildren taking precedence over you all the time.
Very easy to become the skivvy. Giving everything to facilitate him and his kids having a good childhood and then both he and them treat you as a literal nothing.
I speak from experience. I paid for and literally provided everything only to feel used and taken advantage of. The love DH has for his kids is unquestionable.
I am in the process of selling the house now and we are buying separate homes.
If he's calling you the c word after 18 months and ignoring your needs whilst you facilitated a shopping trip and were doing all the housework, then that IS something that is of concern. It doesn't get better with time.
Don't mean to project all my pain onto you but just be very careful.
He has used you today to meet his needs and not thought about you. When you brought this up he called you a c*.
I hear you OP. I get it.

It has literally nothing to do with carbonara and everything to do with how he sees you and treats you.

I think the lack of respect, the codependent behaviour and the readiness to insult you infront of a child are the issues here.
How long have you lived with him?
Does he often insult you if you dare question him/not do what he wants or is that new?
My DC are with me most of the time so DP sees a lot of them when he is here, I ask if he wants to pick up something on the way home from work or I'll take something out of the freezer for him if I'm eating earlier with the kids and it isn't something he likes. It's really not difficult. I wouldn't stay with someone who insulted me like that especially so early on either. 18 months isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things

So you are ok telling every single woman on this thread that they must never eat a meal without running it past their DH first?

And not only that but they must be expected to make a separate meal on top of the one they’re already making, in case their DH doesn’t eat what her and the DCs are having?

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Nope. Not what I’m saying at all. But then you know that.

Exactly that, I couldn’t look at them the same way again

It has nothing to do with the meal really. It's the fact that she spent the whole day helping her partner look after his daughter only to be ignored and then called a c*. Not very nice way to treat the person he is supposed to love.

This

There is a 'See all' link to all OP's posts at the top of the page. Most people complain if the OP doesn't answer questions or doesn't provide an update. You're the only poster I've encountered who thinks that reading OP's replies and updates is beneath her!

I find people on here so unbelievably odd! In my house if your cooking food you ask everyone. If they don’t want it fine but I would never prepare a meal and not ask everyone in the house if they wanted to join and I extend that to children’s friends who may be around at the time. Imagine if the OP just cooked herself a meal and sat down to eat it without even considering DP and DSD?!

So if this was a reverse and it was DH telling OP she was selfish for eating a meal that he didn’t like and her not offering to cook a separate meal for him before she started cooking - you’d be on DPs side and saying that he was in the right and OP was in the wrong?

Yes, I think it was possibly a bit of an overreaction, and it's a bit controlling that you expect him to always eat with you, even though his DD might want to eat with him sometimes. A night when DD is there isn't a very clever night for "date night."

Where I think he was out of order was in not telling you "DD has asked for carbonara, and I actually fancy that too, so I might have that with her. Do you want some with us, or do you want to fix yourself something if you don't like x and y."

Yes, sex is nothing to do with common courtesy.

Yes, generally reading all of the OPs posts in the minimum effort you should expect to spend on a thread.

Otherwise, why on earth are you bothering to relply?