Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

Fair enough.

I think DP would be in the wrong if the sexes were reversed.

It’s mad to me that 1 person cooks 2 separate meals purely so they don’t offend the other person.

Even my teens cook their own meal if they want something different to what I am making.

I think you'll find you're the entitled one. RTFT before commenting.

I would like to hear his side. I'm reading between the lines but feel maybe you have been sarcastic throughout the day at the shops, whilst cleaning them locking off because he wants to have a meal with his kid. Frankly you are a bit weird to not eat with her. Unless there is some drip feed that you haven't yet dropped them you need to apologise for snapping but also tell him his language is not acceptable

Im really unsure why so many grown educated women are having a hard time understanding this post.

Shes not annoyed they ate dinner together, she’s annoyed she wasn’t included and when she was, she was an after though.

So many massive reaches that she hates her dsd 😂 projection from some of you much?

and to the first person that replied. He’s done nothing wrong? I’d say calling his partner a selfish cunt is wrong, but I guess everyone’s standards are different.

Hi OP!
I'm sure you've probably figured this out for yourself by now but us Stepmums are the antichrist here on MN! Damned if you do damned if you don't......
I totally get what you're saying. DP never ever cooks and its your routine to eat together later in the evening so why would you have expected anything else to happen on a Saturday other than whats previously been set as a precedent? Your DP failed here with his communication towards you. He should have told you have was going to cook and eat with his daughter, simple as that and the earlier the better so you could make alternative plans.
Also, he needs to realise that you are not her mum and therefore some aspects of her staying over are inappropriate or blurring boundaries i.e. sleeping all together on the floor in the living room. It is perfect normal to love and care for a child but it is never that same love or draw that a parent has. Its like being a teacher or nursery worker. You care for that child, meet their needs, keep them safe etc but the unconditional live bond does not exist and should never be expected of you either.
I think a well timed sit down and discussion with your DP is necessary if you want to salvage your relationship. Set boundaries and make it clear that you are never to be spoken to like that again. Also, emotionally blackmailing you when you say you don't want to get involved as much is also not on the cards moving forwards!

OP is a step mum so very few people care about that it seems. She’s fair game to be insulted.

Does he often call you names? DH would never speak to me like that. It's just not in his vocabulary.

Ask him how he would feel if a man called his DD a selfish cunt.

Why does he never cook?
Why was you cleaning her room? Does he also never clean?

Has he called you a cunt before?

You're 18 months in. It doesn't sound great.

Please tell me you've got good contraception sorted so you aren't tied to this man that is comfortable calling you a cunt for the next 2 decades.

Oh also, he did the tea thing because you didn't happily sleep on the floor last night like he asked you too.

There's only one cunt in the house and it's not you or that little girl.

Late to the party, but I get you OP. Why not say “I am cooking myself and DSD carbonara, shall I cook enough pasta for you so you can add some sauce later” it’s just knowing that you were thought about/included. It would have given you the opportunity to say ‘yes please’ or ‘no thanks I’ll sort myself out’.

So OP has been summoned to a shopping trip by her DP and his five year old, then left to her own devices while they do things together, because whether she’s included in the activities is entirely down to whether said five year old wants her to. She gets through that nonsense and on arriving home shes’ cleaning his daughter’s room and comes downstairs to find that he’s cooked a meal for himself and his daughter without asking her if she wants anything, despite the fact that there is a meal planned for both of them later on, and she is now left to cater for herself. And you’re telling OP that she should be the one to apologise ?

OP actually said upthread somewhere that if she’d left out the word ‘step’ some of the replies would be very different. I agree.

Hi
Men always seem to put their feelings first and expect the woman to understand
Please don’t stay with this man, you deserve better

It would be unreasonable if you expected dp to eat with you and not dsd but not unreasonable at all to expect him to inform you before he started cooking. However, it is never ok for him to be verbally abusive to you. If it was the first time then, as a minimum, I would a very heartfelt apology. If it has happened before then it is likely to continue to happen and it might therefore be time to reconsider your relationship.

And what do you think about the “d”p calling op a c**t?

For some people may be , but for many people it is normal ' tea/ dinner ' time if you have a 5 year old child. Bath time 6.00 , then a story and by lights out and bedtime at 7.00 pm for 5 year old. I really don't think that's unusual at all.

But it’s not about offending the other person. It’s about making sure they’re catered for and don’t feel left out. I don’t know any women who would behave like this. Maybe this wasn’t his intention but that’s not the point - he should have had the same concern for OP as she has for him and his DD.

That's possibly true, but also that fact is relevant to the dynamic.

Most of the couples with young children that I know give them their meal, bath and bed and then eat later together.

I think your DP thinks women are one size fits all. You’re a woman- you clean and cook for
children. You are fussy about food and you are a cunt when pointing out his faults.

You have time to get out of this.

I read that part of the post as meaning they don't sit and eat as a family. That the 5 year old girl sits and eats her meal , with OP and DP just watching and talking but not actually eating with her.. And that this time DP/ dad had decided to eat with his daughter.

Interesting, because most I know eat with the children because family meals are so important.

Even if it's not every night, eating together when you can is surely good parenting. It helps build connection, support nutrition, helps with language and conversational development.

I've had a look online and around 40% of families eat together every day, and only 20% don't eat with their kids at all. We don't manage every day to to clubs and life getting in the way, but we try to when we can.

If this dad is only getting 2 dinners a week with his child and he chooses to eat with her neither, and to prioritise his girlfriend, frankly that's poor parenting IMO.

I could not remain in a relationship with someone who called me a selfish cunt. Unforgivable. That would be like an off switch, would pack my bags and be gone with the wind.

The fact that he called you that is just awful. My DP has never said anything like that to me. I wouldnt want to be with someone who can use that language against me.

I also wouldn't be so entrenched in life with his his DD. Seems like he's usung you.

OP please ignore those determined to misunderstand you.

Of course what he said was vile. Even without your updates I can see that he was in the wrong - and it was super clear you were saying his relationship with his kid is more important.

I assume you have no kids? Do yourself a favour and dump him and find a man with no kids!

This kind of thing happens all too often when childfree women are dating men who have kids. The men resent their childfree female partner having a lie in if they need to get up early for their kids for example - and they demand of their partner to be as involved if not more.

He should want to spend time with his child 1:1 if he only sees her on weekends! It sounds like he demands your presence when it suits them, but then is quick to leave you out when it doesn’t and that’s the main issue here. Well aside from him calling you a cunt.

Honestly that was such a disproportionate reaction, what will happen next time you have a disagreement? It sounds like this could escalate if this is what he’s willing to say things like that when his daughter is around.

Pay attention to the man who’s being revealed to you - the mask is falling off now!