Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

Hi OP, please keep in mind that many people post on MN with the intent to give someone a kicking. They deliberately misunderstand the op's posts so they can keep picking them apart. They enjoy it and find it some kind of sick entertainment. You do not need to keep re-explaining your posts, they were perfectly clear the first time.

Just ignore the unkind posters. Look at it this way, they are posting to tell you what you meant by what you wrote. If they were sincere they would want to understand the situation, not tell you what happened based on a couple of lines of text IYSWIM. No matter how clever they think they are, they are not telepathic.

You didn't do anything wrong, and it sounds like you are doing your best to make everything work for your DP and his DD. You are being put last. Your DP is taking advantage of you, and not considering you at all. The name calling is a huge red flag. From my perspective I would call time on the relationship. If he is calling you nasty names 18 months into the relationship, it will only get worse. Best of luck to you

How do you model eating if you don't do family meals? I much prefer eating later, but I have young kids and eating round a table together is so important I suck it up most of the time. Same for almost all parents in know, because eating with your kids is good parenting

They eat when DD has gone to bed. Sounds like a standing arrangement to me. DD is five. She usually eats earlier while OP and her dad chat to her. I actually don’t think the food is the main issue. It’s the lack of care.

If you look at OP’s updates it’s clear that they have DD every weekend so no weekend time together. DP insists on OP being there the whole time - moans if she’s not, and yet allows his DD to decide what activities OP can and can’t join in with - depending on whether she’s in or out of ‘favour’. I think that’s a weird dynamic. He’s creating an ‘us and her’ situation. It’s rude, dismissive and hurtful, and a lousy example to set for his child.

OP says he never cooks. So l think it’s significant that the first time he does it’s for himself and his DD, without a thought for OP - and that, right there, is the problem. He didn’t offer to include OP until she pointed out his rudeness and then he doubled down on it by calling her an awful name.

OP was actually cleaning his child’s bedroom at the time, they had a meal planned for later, and he couldn’t even shout up to tell her he was eating with DD and did she want anything ?

He’s focused on being Disney dad and doesn’t realise that he relies on OP to facilitate that. As l said upthread, l’d bet the farm it’s OP’s home he’s moved into. I’d be moving him out again.

And this time he didnt want to eat later, he wanted a carbonara with his daughter? I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all, a grown man is capable of deciding when and what he eats. Plans can change, especially when children are involved.

For plans to change it’s usually a better idea to discuss that in advance instead of acting unilaterally selfishly and calling your partner vile names for calling you out on your selfishness. He’s never cooked before, and the first time he does, he leaves his partner out. And you don’t see anything wrong with that ?

Oh, dear OP , you are drip feeding information here. Are you really that desperate to be proven in the right, when lots of PPs don't really think your husband has really wronged you badly. Was it really so bad that he used his own initiative and cooked his daughter a meal at a child appropriate time and ate with her. Maybe he dislikes the fact you have made her eat on her own on her other visits because you don't won't to eat at child appropriate time??

. .He offered to make you food and you said no. Get a grip on what's important and not just point scoring .

His verbal abuse was unacceptable, eating earlier with his daughter was ok. Would it really have made that much different to you if he has said he was planning to eat with his daughter, given you had no intention of joining them?

But by the same token OP and her DP have DD every weekend so l don’t think it’s unreasonable to choose one weekend night as a date night and have a late meal and a bottle of wine when she’s in bed asleep. That was what was planned. I think the actual food he cooked is a red herring here. I think it’s that OP was looking forward to it, and he took it away without a second thought, and concentrated on himself and his DD without even thinking about her. The name calling is him doubling down when OP called him out, because he knew he was wrong. He sounds vile.

No, I clearly don’t. She doesn’t like what he was making?? Should he have made something he or the child didn’t want to please OP when she didn’t even want to eat at that time? If they have dinner at 8 and he decided to eat at 5 why would she be included, I find it extremely strange that this is even an issue.

Was it really so bad that he used his own initiative and cooked his daughter a meal at a child appropriate time and ate with her. Maybe he dislikes the fact you have made her eat on her own on her other visits because you don't won't to eat at child appropriate time??

When it’s the first time he’s ever cooked and he left his own partner out ? Yes that was bad. They had a meal planned for later and he unilaterally decided to change the plans without even bothering to ask or even tell her.

And where did OP say it’s she who ‘makes’ DD eat alone ? She didn’t. DD is five, OP says she eats while they sit and chat to her, and then they have a meal together later on. That doesn’t sound like anyone forcing anything.

“Lots of posters” - looks at the scoring on the Aibu. 🤣

What she wanted to eat wasn’t and isn’t the point. They had a meal planned for later on and he didn’t even consider her. I actually agree with OP when she says that had she left out the word ‘step’ some of the responses here would have been very different.

Does anyone think it odd that the OP expectrd the child to be fed on her own? I always expected my children to eat a proper meal with us at the table at a child friendly dinner time of around 5.p.m.

I knew an only child brought up to eat her dinner alone at the table and it was really sad for her. When she grew up she struggled to make conversation during a meal.

2 nights when the daughter is here, 5 when she isn't. Save the couples meals and date nights for those.

But she does cook for DSD most days it seems.
So you’re saying she’s selfish every time because she doesn’t cook for DP during these times?

What is wrong with OP feeling hungry much earlier than the planned dinner time and making herself some food?

DP should be making all of the meals for DSD as she’s his child.

It’s selfish if you don’t include young children in your meal planning.
But teenagers and adults are free to make themselves food whenever they want.

72% currently don’t think you’re unreasonable. OP some posters are absolutely pretzeling themselves to excuse what l think was extremely selfish and uncaring behaviour. It’s not the meal, or even whether you wanted to eat at that particular time, it’s the fact that you weren’t given a second thought. Your DP knows it was a selfish act. That’s what the name calling was about. Totally unacceptable.

The first post literally says ‘we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.’

So no, OP doesn’t expect the child to be fed on her own. And why do you think that OP wants ‘the child fed on her own’? Why isn’t it the dad’s responsibility?

But the difference is OP cooks for all. So no, OP isn’t selfish.

The selfish one is the man who didn’t even think of cooking for his partner whilst she was cleaning his room and his daughter’s room.

What an obtuse point of view. OP isn’t leaving her DP out by cooking for DD because that’s how they normally do things. DD is included in their meal planning - she is catered for but eats much earlier because she is a young child. Most of my friends who are parents of young children will feed them earlier and then eat later themselves. I’d say it was very common. But l agree DP should be the one cooking for DD - she’s his child. And if he keeps on treating OP like this hopefully he will be finding out sooner than he thinks, what it’s like to parent his child alone.

It sounds like OP cooks for DSD - which according to you is selfish (I personally think she’s a saint for doing this).

And then as she said, her and DP both cook their meal together - is this also selfish towards DSD considering she’s not even being offered any of the food?

None of my posts say OP cooking for DSD means she is selfish.

How does that even make sense?

OP says she cooks everything, her DP
doesn’t cook.

And then as she said, her and DP both cook their meal together - is this also selfish towards DSD considering she’s not even being offered any of the food?

Well done, you’ve found a new way to blame OP - not cooking two evening meals for DSD.

Would you completely ignore your love - that you live with?
What happened to 'we are having carbonara which I know you don't like, so can I do something else for you whist I'm in the kitchen?'
My God, I would starve before not caring for my love.

5pm is Nursery time, not dinner.

Ok so it’s not selfish for OP to cook for herself or DSD and not DP

But it’s not ok for DP to cook for himself or DSD and not OP

You’re also forgetting that DP asked OP if she’d like him to cook her something different and she said no because she wasn’t hungry.

Basically in your eyes, DP cannot do anything right.

We all know if DP had made a sarky comment because OP was eating earlier, no one would have been on his side over it.

And how am I blaming OP for not cooking two meals?

I have said that DP should be cooking ALL of DSDs meals but that OP and he cook together in the evening as this is what they enjoy.

You’re forgettting that dinner was plated up before an offer was made!

Why would he offer it when you said you don’t eat cheese or bacon?

So if he offered that would mean him cooking 2 separate meals?