Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

Of course it is ok for him to decide he wanted carbonara but it is not ok for him to not mention to OP that he was cooking just for himself and his child, not ask OP want she wanted to do about eating, not tell OP that he would not be eating a meal with her later on even though that is their normal routine.

It's not a matter of asking permission to cook for himself and you know that but the selfishness and rudeness of the man. Also OP says he never ever cooks so the first time he does he doesn't cook anything for OP!

Another poster trying, but failing, to make excuses for the selfish pig

Agree. The child getting to dictate what activities OP is ‘allowed’ to join in needs to stop too. He’s facilitating a very unhealthy dynamic.

Called her a c*nt. That's not a proportionate or reasonable response.

DP insists on OP being present on his contact weekends and gets cross if she refuses anything, but facilitates the child dictating in what seems like a very pointed way, as to what activities OP does and doesn’t get to join in on. He’s creating an ‘us and her’ situation between them, so it’s hardly surprising OP feels ‘sensitive’ is it ? Then to add insult to injury the one and only time he cooks, it’s for him and his DD and he doesn’t even think about his partner. And when she points out how self centred he is, he calls her a cunt !! He wants to be Disney Dad and OP is just there to facilitate that. I’d bet the farm it’s OP’s house and he’s moved in with her.

I would not accept verbal abuse but given you admit you used a sarcastic tone when saying ' nothing for me'vwhen he was preparing meal for his daughter and had decided to eat with her earlier, and especially as you state you don't eat cheese or bacon and you like to eat later. May be you were provacative . You were also dismissive,when he offered to cook for you, and this has somewhat provoked him into a reaction, and the unnecessary argument.
I think you need to calm down and just sort yourself out. It is difficult not to feel a bit left out when he focuses his attention on his daughter when she comes to visit , but that's part and parcel of the current circumstances . Call him out on his language but apologies all round maybe more appropriate, once each side has got matters back into perspective. If you are a generally a good step parent figure, perhaps on this occasion a teensy weensy part of this was because you were a little bit jealous of the attention being given to his daughter and his relationship with her.

Regardless of their relationship- it’s generally rude and bad manners to cook and eat and not include your partner or children.

He could have given you the heads up that you’ll need to sort your own dinner out. It’s basic courtesy.

Calling you a selfish c^ and acting like your the problem is disrespectful.

How are things today ? Is this someone you really want to have a relationship with ? I know he’s trying to be a good dad but everything you’ve described sounds over the top and bizarre.

No, not making excuses for him. He called her a cunt, that's not OK.

But in terms of an adult making himself and his child some food, he did nothing wrong. He does not have to consult with OP before deciding to have some food, and in this instance, when he knows OP doesn't like the food being made there was no reason to ask her if she wanted some.

DP = Dear Partner

Totally missing the point. They have a routine on a Saturday - they eat late with a bottle of wine when DD is in bed. He changed the routine knowing he wouldn’t eat later and never even consulted OP. Just another indication that she’s there to facilitate him being Disney Dad and invisible the rest of the weekend. He insists on OP being present with himself and DD yet allows his child to decide which activities OP can and can’t take part in. The dynamic here is himself and the child. The fact that he never cooks and the one time he does, he omits OP reinforces this.

Seriously ? You think OP should apologise because he’s an inconsiderate nincompoop ?

For the sarcasm and passive aggressive reaction yes. He should apologise for his language.
I don't think he was inconsiderate. He was cooking something he and his daughter liked, at at a child appropriate time.
OP rightly felt left out after shopping outing was not a shared experience and followed by the child's early dinner meal, and rejected his offer to cook for her, but no, I don't think he did anything actually wrong, just maybe not as OP would have wished, and OP escalated it into an argument .

485 messages arguing the toss about this.

he called her ‘a selfish cunt.’

I think we should be aiming for a world where every single time someone calls their partner that, they end the relationship there and then.

how anyone can have a bar so low as to accept this is baffling to me

I just don't understand how someone who lives with a partner just cooks a meal for themselves and their child and not only does not cook anything for their partner but also does not even think to mention it to the partner.

Every week the OP cooks for herself, the child AND her partner. He cooks once and just cannot be bothered to think about her. He must have known that she would be expecting both of them to eat a meal at 9pm as they do every week but, again, could not be bothered to speak to her or ask her what she wanted to do about eating.

When my kids were little, I quite often decided that I was hungry and fancied eating with them. I never asked my husband's permission or ran it past him. I'd have thought him utterly out of line and controlling (as would most of MN) if he demanded that I ran that decision past him for his approval.

The only issue here (and it's a big one) is him calling her a cunt.

OP wasn’t expecting him to ask her permission or be consulted or have it run past her for approval. She just wanted to be told. Why are people STILL bleating on about permission and how dare she as if it’s some amazing gotcha. She just wanted to be told there was a change of plan, nothing more than that.

I was on his side until he said selfish cunt, that escalated

actually, if my dh never cooked, then he was cooking, I’d expect him to be cooking for me, or if it was something I wouldn’t eat, committing to cook for me the next day and he’d tell me in advance.
But wouldn’t happen here as dh tried not cooking in the very early days and was told it’s a total deal breaker and if you can read and hold down a job you can cook.

this.

So did your DH cook his own meal in the evening then?

I can’t imagine a scenario where my DH would cook and not think of my dinner too.

Yes, of course!

I wouldn't have accepted my husband demanding that I told him before deciding to make myself something to eat either. As an adult, I choose what I eat and when. No one else has any say in it.

But on to your second point I think (or certainly hope) that everyone is in agreement that it wasn't OK for him to call her vile names. There's not much to discuss.

Opinions vary on whether or not he had to run his food plans past OP before starting cooking and that's why people are still discussing it.

For the absence of doubt, even though I think he didn't do anything wrong re the cooking, I still think the name calling was abhorrant and unacceptable. No excuse for it whatsoever.

So neither of them are allowed to eat anything because the routine is that they eat together later on?

At what time is he required to stop eating?

It’s different if this was an hour before their usual dinner time but it was 4 hours ahead of time.

Most people would happily eat again later on.

I’m literally thinking about making myself some cheese on toast.
If my DP or even teenage DCs got shitty with me because I am eating a few hours before my normal dinner time, then I’d be fuming.

My teen is out there now making some sort of rice or pasta dish.
Our proper dinner isn’t until later on and so I’m not going to tell them off for it as they’re hungry now and I wouldn’t expect them to go hungry just because our dinner time is much later.

DP was cooking anyway - if he wasn’t then he’d BU to not offer it to anyone else.

Posters expected him to ask permission and then offer to cook OP a completely different meal - which is ridiculous.

It feels claustrophobic at times.. last night I didn’t want to sleep on the floor with them, but DP was upset because he thought I was “rejecting” her.

Rejecting her? Because you didn't want to sleep on a bloody floor? Wow. 😳

After 18 months together, it sounds like your DP wants you to be very accommodating to him and his DD (even going out shopping with them, or else he wouldn't take her) but he is NOT very accommodating of you, as he didn't even bother to consider you with basic manners, to say "hey I'm making pasta luv, so I can eat with little one, want some, or would you prefer to eat later?" And so forth. 😒

Then he calls YOU a selfish cunt? 😠
Wow. Sounds like he is projecting!
I wonder why his last relationship didn't work out?
Was his ex a 'selfish cunt' as well? 🙄

This doesn't sound like a good long term prospect.
Does he expect you to play the role of doting stepmum, yet if you are not fulfilling this role, will you again be called a selfish cunt?
Or worse?

I wouldn't put up with someone talking to me like this.
This is only after 18 months.
Nope. 👎
Are you married? Live together? Joint home owners?

I would throw this one back in.
There are plenty more fish in the sea 🐟
LTB

ETA: I just read that you also put about the shopping trip.
If I had not gone there would’ve been snide comments from DP
This is not normal OP. He sounds like hard work.
Does he ever do outings just him and his DD, or do you always have to go?
Also the fact that he never cooks, and the one time he did cook he didn't consider you - that would massively piss me off. 😠

Does he want praise for wiping his own arse as well?
It sounds like a very one sided relationship.
LTB
@emmalynnxx

She was told - he didn’t hide it from her.

You are saying that he should have told her beforehand - which is basically suggesting he should ask for permission.

Why does it matter whether she was told before, during or after if he’s not required to ask permission?

It’s weird that you normally just watch her eat!
Can you not eat earlier for one evening or can she not have an afternoon snack and then a small supper while you’re both eating dinner at say, 6.45? It must feel weird for her.

but also he shouldn’t have called you that and it would probably be a dealbreaker for me.