Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

It’s not difficult to understand FFS. A quick shout up to OP - hey me and DD fancy carbonara for dinner, I’m going to make it now. Notice that permission isn’t being sought here, just some basic communication seeing as OP and partner usually eat together later after DD is in bed. OP can then decide whether she’ll join them and eat something different or she’ll sort something out for herself later. It’s just normal communication and consideration when you live together and the usual dinner plans are changing. As I’ve already said, if you can’t get your head around that then you’re either dim or being purposely contrary.

In that case OP should stop cooking for them from now on and just cook for herself from now and let DP cook for himself and his daughter.

Then do you agree that OP should just cook for herself from now on and let DP sort out food for his dd?

I'd be much more worried about his insistence that you're as involved as him, with his daughter, in a relatively new relationship.
What was his contact like before you appeared on the scene?

Having said that if he called me cunt last night I'd be out of there today and leaving him to it.

You’re not being selfish. In fact it sounds like you’ve been very accommodating. Horrible of him to plan a meal completely ignoring you so you walk into the kitchen and they’re already about to eat. Like you’re just a flat mate. Nasty man. Which he then confirms with his foul language

Children who cannot cook should be offered food if an adult is cooking but I absolutely agree that OP should definitely make herself food if she’s hungry.

Tbh I’m confused why there are two separate meals being cooked anyway.
It’s odd that they don’t all sit down together and eat.
It doesn’t stop them having a bottle of wine and a snack later on.

DP should be doing ALL of the cooking for HIS DD.

I do not believe all of these posters pretending that they don’t eat just because their DHs want them to eat 4 hours later with them.

There is no reason to shout up and tell OP that he’s making it.

OP knew that he was making it and she would have seen it. She also admits that she cannot eat that early and she doesn’t like carbonara.
If she was hungry, then she’d have made herself a small snack and sat down to eat with them.

I made brownies with my niece last weekend.
I didn’t shout up and let everyone know I’m making brownies because that would be stupid.

If it’s the normal dinner time, I would ask people if they want some.

If it’s not normal dinner time (I just had cheese on toast) then I would not be asking every person if they want me to make it for them as they’re all capable of making some themselves (although I would offer to make it afterwards if they can’t be bothered).

Normal people don’t have to run things past their entire families every time they make a decision.

It actually makes me said when I read things like this. It’s not healthy to have to tell someone that you’re planning to eat something.

Lots of repetitive posts completely missing the point, either deliberately or by not reading the full thread.

I did not know the meal was made until it was plated up.

I was not made anything.

it was a full sit down meal.

DP had a full portion, not just “some of DSDs”

I was cleaning his child’s bedroom.

We had a meal planned later.

im asking for a bit of consideration

So disingenuous. Nobody is saying he “needs permission to eat”; but if you’re planning snd cooking a meal in a shared family household, it’s usual to say so so others can at least plan round it.

YANBU op. Some of these posters either lead very odd lives or are just being contrary as a pp said

Why do you usually cook for dsd and clean her room? Do you wash her clothes and do other parenting jobs? How would your partner treat you if you didn't do all this? How would he treat you if you went away for the weekend or spent time with your friends and family while he was with dsd?

Nobody is saying he should have asked for her permission so not sure where you are getting that from. Bloody common decency, which is not a big ask from a partner, would be to speak to the other person before just deciding to cook for yourself and child and ignore the fact that your partner will want to/need to eat too. He also, as I said, would have known that she would have been expecting the pair of them to eat together later as is normal for them. She is not clairvoyant so how the hell would she know he was cooking but not for her?

We all know that if OP had come on here saying she’d cooked a meal for her and her DD and didn’t offer to cook her DP a separate meal and didn’t offer him any as she knows he doesn’t eat it - not one poster would be siding with him.

It’s typical MN being bias depending on who the OP is.

You really are determined to put Mr Selfish in a good light aren't you? How exactly would OP have seen him cooking when she was upstairs and, presumably, the kitchen is downstairs?

She thought they were going to eat together later as they do EVERY week but he decided against that and didn't even have the decency to let her know.

No one but no one is saying that everything has to be run past entire families but in a normal family I am pretty sure meals are not something where everyone just does their own thing ignoring everyone else.

Of course I don't tell DH every time I eat a biscuit or an apple, banana whatever but when it comes to actual meals I don't just go into the kitchen and cook myself something without asking him does he want something to eat - either what I am having or something else and he does the same.

OP only you can decide if this relationship is worth staying in.

Your DP's language was totally out of order.
His attitude is saying don't question me?
From your updates your DP appears to be controlling aswell.
Your DP is showing you behaviour that you need to be careful about and if this becomes repetitive then just leave him.
You are not someone he can treat like that and use that language with. You have more self respect.

Well your set up is not normal in my opinion. Do you often both cook for yourselves?

We discuss what we are going to eat because we care about each other. If one of us is going to have something to eat we will ask the other if they want something. Same if one is have a drink, we ask the other do they want one. I think just about every couple I know do the same.

They don't all sit down and eat together because the child needs to eat so early and most adults do not want to eat so early. Nothing strange about that. No way could I or DH eat a full meal before about 7pm nor would we be interested in eating a meal and then later on having a bottle of wine with snacks. We eat a meal in the evening, there is no need for snacks too

And you are also missing the point and the bigger picture op. You are choosing to live your weekends like this.

They all sit down together whilst DD eats.

This time, DP decided he was hungry and so ate earlier.
OP said she wasn’t hungry and so didn’t eat.

You say that you or DH can never eat a meal before 7pm - which is why you can’t see the other side of this because you have a set way of doing things and don’t ever do anything differently.

Many people have a rough dinner time but for whatever reason may be hungry before or after the normal time and then eat earlier/later.
Most people aren’t as rigid as you and your DH.

I wouldn't dream of cooking for myself and not offering my partner - to do that is utterly bizarre.

Your original post said you usually have dinner at 8 or 9, not that you had firm plans. You can usually do something, but obviously when his child is there the plans will be looser or subject to change. I think you’re being absolutely ridiculous here, if you don’t eat carbonara why are you annoyed he didn’t ask you, I assume he already knew you don’t like cheese or bacon? Why would he have his child eat alone maybe she wanted a dinner with her dad. Literally just get yourself a takeaway and put on a film, you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill.

I don't think not wanting to eat before about 7pm is being rigid. Any earlier just seems strange to us.

Did Mr Selfish decide he was hungry? Not sure OP mentioned that. If he did he was still perfectly capable of letting OP know that he was going to selfishly cook just for himself and his child and also that he was no longer going to eat with OP at their NORMAL later time.

His child is there EVERY weekend and they always eat later with OP ALWAYS doing the cooking so your post is ridiculous.

She may well have decided to get a takeaway if Mr Selfish had bothered to inform her that he was cooking for the first ever time but not for her.

Surely you must understand that some people do things differently to you.

Some people eat much earlier than 7pm and some eat much later.

Often people will have a rough time but eat at a different time depending on circumstances.

And he either decided he was hungry or ate because his DD asked/he didn’t want her eating alone.
Most people wouldn’t be able to eat if they weren’t hungry though and so he must have been.

And he didn’t hide it from OP.
You’re acting like 4 hours later OP had cooked a big meal and then he decided to tell her.

What if none of this happened but OP was tired or feeling unwell and didn’t want anything to eat at their regular time - are you saying that’s not ok? Should she have told him in advance that she definitely wouldn’t be eating a big meal later on?

How convenient that the one time he cooks, he excludes OP.

Yet if OP only cooked for herself the rest of the days, you would accuse her of being selfish and a bad step-mother.