Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

18 months together. They line these women up early in the telationship to do childcare. Who owns or rents the home?
His language is unacceptable.

He was cooking dinner, and didn’t have the basic manners to say to the woman who he loves with, eats with every day and supposedly loves that he wasn’t cooking anything for her, she was on her own. He’s the cunt here and this sounds relationship ending selfish unless he very very quickly realises that. Manners are free and I would never ever want to live with a man who would behave that way.

How hard is it to stick your head around the door and say "im making carbonara for me and dd as gunna eat early. Shall I do you some pasta with just garlic and olive oil or do you want to sort yourself out, or..?"

It's a given that we only get one side of things when someone starts a thread. What information do you think could be missing that would make it ok for him to call her a cunt?

Yeah, his insult was because he felt guilty, for sure. So he doubled down and stuck bells on.

I think the lack of communication was bizarre. My DP can be a bit lacking in thought at times, but I can’t imagine a situation where he wouldn’t at least tell me what his plans were, particularly if they were going to impact me in some way. Cooking food for himself and his daughter was fine. He just needed to say something. That’s just basic courtesy. He shouldn’t have called you such an offensive name though. That was an overreaction and an unforgivable slur.

I hope you are considering leaving this man @emmalynnxx ?
Please love yourself, do not stay with him due to a desperate desire to just be in a relationship.
You will not have a happy life with this man.

Totally. Normal husband would have said "hey me and DSD are having xxx at this time, do you want some or shall I make you something else?" You could have replied "oh thanks, hun, please just make some extra pasta and I will add something to it later" or "no thanks, hun, I do something for myself later on".

This. Every single word of it. Red flags all over the place. Some of the replies on this thread are just poorly disguised internalised misogyny.

It doesn’t really matter who is wrong or right, or who is more wrong or right.

all that matters is that this relationship cannot possibly be making the op happy.

her weekends sound miserable, toxic and full of negativity.

so why does she stay?

This really. Agree. He’s also teaching his DD to treat OP like a twat. Allowing her to call the shots around what activities OP is and isn’t ‘allowed’ to join in with is creating an ‘us and her’ situation and it’s a very unhealthy dynamic.

@emmalynnxx I am sorry to say that this relationship is not what you think. Thankfully its just 18 months old. Reassess. Do you want a life partner who speaks to you with that disgusting slur for no reason? Nope, I don't think you do. Perhaps best to distance yourself now because you CAN do better for yourself. Best of luck, OP.

But he had conveniently cooked enough of it for her and him?

Well yes, he could have done that. But knowing she doesn't like the food and doesn't eat at that time, it's just as reasonable to crack on with what he was doing. He offered to cook something else for her. This part of the the story is no big deal, he did nothing wrong.

However, he went on to call her a cunt. That's indefensible.

@emmalynnxx - i don’t know what’s gone on here with some posters who seem determined to twist your words. Hopefully you’ve seen that most people do not think you’re being unreasonable.

You could have communicated better but what your partner did was odd and thoughtless and calling you a cunt is very nasty. You might want to reconsider the relationship especially if you usually cook, not him.

I don’t know about you but I rarely make a portion simply for my child, as they eat smaller portions. Even if I freeze the rest. I think Op massively overreacted, and obviously feels sensitive about the step child already

As I said, convenient to have cooked enough for a small child portion and a grown man portion!

I do freeze meals all the time but not pasta dishes like that as they do not freeze well. Also as OP says he never cooks I really doubt he would be thinking of cooking enough food to then freeze some.

You were passive-aggressive but he was mean. And yes, inconsiderate for him to make dinner for the two of them without even checking in with you first. Perhaps he still planned to have something later as well?

How long have you been together? Are you married, or planning to be?

Now I’ve read the full thread, if you don’t want to dump him immediately I’d say I’ve been doing some thinking and if you can’t cook for me once a month then that goes both ways.for the next month I cook for me and nobody else unless I invite a friend around. If you cook for everyone, then I’ll consider starting to share the load again after the month is over. If you cook for just you and your daughter, then this arrangement is permanent. And if you get mad I call you a fucking cunt and storm out since that’s apparently how this relationship works now. Also, I do not and will not have to come out with you and dsd and be part of everything. The second it suits you I’m excluded, and you should be doing more things with just here but not being a dick to me about it like you were about dinner. If you can’t take dsd out without me you’re a pretty crap dad and that’s very unattractive. Thanks for showing me the light, let’s see how the next month goes.

stop being such a housemaid nanny doormat op.

None of that matters. It's perfectly OK for him to decide he wanted carbonara too and to cook enough for both of them without seeking OPs permission first, or even running it past her. He's an adult, he's free to choose what he wants to eat and when. It's not OK, ever, for him to call her a cunt.

Dinner time isn’t the issue here. Nor are the sleepovers, shopping trips etc.

This actual issue is the mismatch between your DPs expectations of you in this context, and your own. He expects you to want to spend all day shopping with him and his DD - but doesn’t expect you to want to eat together? It seems that he wants you to play happy families some of the time - but to step back at other times. Have you and he talked about this? About your role in his DDs life and how the three of you work around each other? Rather than snapping and snarking at each other?

You need to agree on when it’s time for happy families, and when it’s time for you to step back and let the two of them have time together without you.

Having read your updates, I think that you’re facing the common “stepmum” problem (brackets because of the short relationship) of sometimes being treated as not stepmum and sometimes being treated as stepmum.

Many men look for a replacement mum after a breakup. (Somebody who is going to do the boring bits like cook) They are also quick to say that the new woman isn’t mum.

You need to define how you see you role. Personally I would leave them to it more (eg the shopping or sleeping on the floor) and be more like a teacher or childminder. Personally I think that blending rarely works but if you want it to work then you and your partner need to be on the same page about things or you’ll end up angry with each other.

Be honest about what annoys you about the current dynamic. Maybe he should start doing all meals for his dd? Maybe he should start eating with her when she comes over? Maybe he can be tasked with cooking a family meal for everyone? I suspect that your problem isn’t about this dinner and it’s about everything else. Stepmums come in all kinds of variation and you and your partner should work out what your role should look like or you will end up like many stories I read on here with the stepmum having a child with dad and resenting him.

There is a couple of red flags here.
He didn't want to take her out unless you went as well.
Then he wanted to you sleep on the living room floor with them and said you were 'rejecting' her.

He is trying to rope you in to doing more parenting and caring of her. He doesn't want to do all the parenting himself, he wants you involved. Don't be in the least bit surprised if he eventually drops out and expects you to do the parenting of her solo whenever he wants a bit of time for himself. Especially as she is with you every weekend, so he doesn't get free time, and neither do you, either alone or as a couple together.

When you don't go along with him, he verbally abuses you and calls you selfish. You are being set up to want to be 'not selfish' by doing his parenting for him.

As an aside, it is a bad idea for the contact arrangement to be every weekend. She gets no quality time with her mother to do things at weekends. What is the reason for this? A better pattern is every other weekend plus some overnight during the week.

Trying to put myself in this situation (with kids and husband), I think you've overreacted because it was 5pm and you had plenty of time to sort out your dinner.
Sometimes I make spontaneous decisions when I'm with the kids, I don't run it past my husband.

That said, it sounds like they've been ignoring you most of the weekend, and I find the whole shopping situation very manipulative. They don't get to dictate that you MUST go shopping with them, particularly if it's for them to then exclude you once there.
That, plus the fact that he swore at you is massive red flag about the relationship. Your partner putting his child first doesn't mean that he can walk all over you, and teach is child to do the same.

I think all of this has a bearing on why she was so irritated by the meal thing. It’s an example of being taken for granted. It also seems that although DP insists on OP being there throughout the weekend, the child gets to dictate on a whim, what activities OP does and doesn’t take part in, which is concerning. OP also says he never normally cooks, so the fact that he did this time and left OP out is just another example of the ‘us and her’ situation he’s creating between him and his DD. And people wonder why she’s resentful !! It sounds to me as though OP is just there to facilitate childcare so DP looks like Disney dad.