Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

Oh op, you’re being used I’m afraid. Used to make his life easier when he has his daughter. There isn’t a whole lot in this relationship for you it seems.

Are you a lot younger than him?

OP says in her very first post that usually DD eats earlier and then the adults eat together after she’s gone to bed. So plans had changed.

OP can want communication and also make a snarky comment, they’re not mutually exclusive. Her snarky comment is in fact communication, maybe not the best way to go about it but better
than not communicating at all.

He wasn’t raiding the cupboards, he was making a proper meal. He wasn’t having a packet of crisps. And anyway nowhere in OP’s posts does it say the Dad was just having something to eat there and then because he was hungry but still eating later with her. That’s your assumption, you do like to assume.

No I don’t tell my partner every time I eat, I’d be updating him every twenty minutes given how much I like to dip into the biscuit tin. We do eat together almost every evening, that’s our norm so I would let him know if there was a change from the usual. I will stress, as some people including yourself don’t seem to understand the distinction, that I don’t ask his permission but simply let him know that we won’t be eating together as usual. We usually eat breakfast and lunch whenever is most convenient for us individually, no communication about these meals is needed as it’s usual for us to do our own thing. However should I quite fancy having breakfast or lunch with him one day I’d let him know. See, communication.

Fucking hell, this is like explaining something a 5 year old. You are either a bit dim or being deliberately obtuse, a bit of both I expect.

Wouldn't it be much better for the daughter for the 3 of you to eat together at say 6, and maybe you can have some nibbles with your wine together later.

You have weekdays to go out for dinner, eat later etc. Having family meals is so important.

Why does your DP have his daughter every weekend?

Regardless of what you did or didn’t do, the minute anyone says anything so vile to me, I’m out the door.

Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

This tells me all I need to know about you OP, you comparing the relationships and thinking yours is superior speaks volumes.

Do you honestly believe he that his offer to cook something was genuine? So he would have missed eating with his child in order to cook something for OP? Highly unlikely I would think

I think she actually means it the other way around and didn’t structure the sentence correctly.

Isn't it bloody obvious? If you were cooking a meal, do you seriously think it's OK to leave your partner with nothing?

No, but they should have the courtesy to communicate with OP that they had dinner plans that she might not want to join in with. It costs nothing to talk to the person you live with and are supposed to love.

I had you at unreasonable for the different shops etc, but why wouldn’t he tell you he was sorting tea with his daughter…it’s weird. Then blaming you by calling you the c is shoddy.

At least you are finding out why he is divorced before you marry him yourself

Yeah that’s what I took from this. She knows that’s his child and sometimes he will prioritise her, and that’s normal

Of course they can have a meal OP doesn't like. But anyone with a minimal amount of human consideration for their partner would ensure that there was something else for OP to eat, or at least discuss with her whether she would be OK getting her own.

No, it means that op does not expect to be spending time on her own every weekend, when she has a partner. Why can’t they all go to shops together?

I think she meant that his daughter comes first for him and that's fine with her. Just not expressed very clearly.

I’m going to guess because that’s the custody arrangement he has with his ex…why is it relevant?

My gosh. Lots of confusion here, probably wasn’t worded properly.

DSD and DPs relationship has precedence, is what I meant. I meant a child and parent relationship is more important that the partner and stepmum and that that needs to be accepted! Insane people thought I meant our relationship was more important!

It is bizarre how many people don’t realise that he didn’t have to change what he was having, or that he was eating with his daughter, he just should have said ‘I’m going to have tea with daughter tonight, will you want anything or are you waiting for later’

If he had spared 5 seconds of thought for you could have saved all of the hassle

He NEVER cooks? Not for you or with you? Sorry but that alone would be a deal breaker for me.

I think most did, the ones who didn’t are potentially people who like to see the worst of step parents

All he had to do was pop upstairs and say “me and dd fancy carbonara tonight. I know that’s not your thing. Do you mind sorting your own tea out tonight and I’ll sit with you and have A glass of wine with once dd is in bed”. Then everyone is happy.

Anyway he lost every ounce of credibility with me when he called you a cunt. That is not on.

It's more a matter of showing basic good manners. He ignored OP all day, unilaterally chose to change meal time, and chose not to cook anything for OP on the night of the week when they usually have a nice dinner together.. I must say, in that situation I would be feeling really quite hurt. He then called her a cunt for being mildly sarcastic about the situation.

Why are people apparently so happy to accept that sort of bad manners and inconsideration, culminating in active abuse? It's absolutely bizarre in the 21st century.

so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

Yes.

Why does he have a 5 year old? Did he walk out on his ex and his toddler? Usually men who leave partners when they have babies or toddlers are just arseholes. Most decent men stick around for a bit longer.

I personally wouldn’t be with anyone who called me a c*nt - they’d be in the bin there and then.