Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

Of course YANBU and I cannot understand why anyone would vote otherwise. On what planet is it normal for an adult to cook an entire meal while their partner is in the house and not even mention it to them??!! Especially when the norm is for the adults to eat together? Very odd. And the language is LTB territory.

I feel like it was just a miscalculation on his part, not the greatest move but your reaction was also a little bit OTT really. You eat alone with him most of the time as it is. Plus he offered to cook you something.

His language afterwards was, however, completely unacceptable.

@OneHazelBird it’s a bit different with hollow legged teens though. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if 17y old DS started making pot noodles/cereal/bagels an hour before dinner because I know he’d still eat a full sized dinner. If OP’s DP had said he was really hungry so was going to eat with his DD but still wanted dinner with her later that would be fine, of course, nobody is policing what he eats and when. But he was eating with his DD instead of eating with OP - which is also fine, but it’s no great hardship to discuss with her what she’d do about her own dinner.

You sound like hard work OP. You seem to get upset when the world doesn't revolve around you.
He didn't cover himself in glory either.

This man doesn't sound like a good partner.

So I'm reading this as;

• Your sd is really young and has dinner very early
• Because of this, you sit with her while she eats and then have your dinner later
• You normally cook
• This is an established routine
• if you broke this routine eg grabbed yourself some food without him before the time you'd normally eat, he'd he upset
• the one time he cooks, he just makes dinner for his daughter and you without telling you / asking if you want anything (eg some pasta saving for later).
• when you say you're annoyed at this, he swears at you

I agree this is shit. It wouldn't be shit if you're the type of family that eat different things at different times, or where plans are generally fluid. But if the above is all true, then you include him all the time and the one time he was in charge, he didn't even think about you. Its not about the type of food or the time or anything its basic courtesy or manners

It's like those posts where people give lifts to their friends kids every day because their friend works, and the one week that their friend has off work they just take their own kid and don't think of the OP...the OP might not want or need a lift for their child but not offering is rude.

OK I had missed that update. He is expecting too much from you. The dinner was irrelevant- he should let you stay home from shipping and sleep in your own bed without complaining!

I think all those saying that they have no problem with people eating at different times and what's the big deal etc need to maybe consider the context of this specific event. The OP had given up her whole day to trail around after them but not been included in the actual shopping bits. She then comes back and starts housework, finishes housework to find her partner eating his meal with his daughter without even letting her know, when all day trailing around she has been thinking that there will be a shared meal and a glass of wine at the end of the day together.
She makes a sarcastic comment about being excluded, which ends up with him calling her a selfish cunt.

Calling OP a selfish cunt is way way over the line.

A serious chat is in order about communicating expectations and plans when dsd comes over. After that, I say: You use language or demeanour like that to me again and it will be the last time.

If it did happen again I would simply walk out and it would be over. No discussion. No argument. Nothing. Over.

😂 came back to lots of comments…

DP and DSD ate a full meal together. Carbonara and garlic bread. DP has had no other food tonight.

I am not jealous of DSD and DP spending time together. I’m not upset he ate dinner with her. I’m not upset that he didn’t “inform” me.

im upset because I’m part of this household and wasn’t offered anything until after dinner was served! We had plans for dinner, fine, plans change. But plans can be discussed before the fact. I was only cleaning bedrooms, at any point he could have said I’m cooking some pasta, do you want anything? And also not to be called a selfish cunt because I didn’t want to eat at 5pm?

I think this is where people are getting confused.

He was making his DDs dinner - OP knew this and was fine with it.
This happens every time that DD is there - she has a separate meal 4 hours before they usually do.

It’s not like he randomly started making himself and DD food and purposely left OP out - he was already making it for her.

He was obviously hungry and considering there was another 4 hours to wait until his dinner he decided to have some of DDs meal.

He didn’t offer it to OP because she doesn’t eat it.

When she got upset he offered to cook her something if she was hungry - but then she said no because she wasn’t hungry at that time.

He was hungry, so he ate.
She was not hungry, so she didn’t eat.
Literally neither of them are wrong for eating/not eating.

Have people read Op's posts? He makes snide remarks if she doesn't do something he wants her to, gave her grief because she didn't want to camp out on the floor for a night, and calls her a cunt when she pisses him off. Op - he's a nasty piece of work, get out before you get trapped.

No you’re wrong. DP NEVER cooks. I make DSDs dinner usually

Of course it’s upsetting and you don’t want to be called a selfish cunt op.

however you are choosing this.

you don’t have to be in this relationship

If this was an hour before his usual dinner time then fair enough but it was 4 hours before.

The worst thing that would have happened is that he wouldn’t be hungry later on - what’s so wrong with that?

I’m sure OP is ok eating a meal by herself every once in a while.

Just like one day OP may be really hungry and choose to eat before he gets home or just not feel hungry one evening and go to bed early.

Did he move into your house or is it a shared place?

What were the later (adult) dinner plans? Were these set in stone?

Did he call you a cunt in front of his daughter? Has he called you these sorts of names before? Because if he has, why are you still with the abusive, disrespectful shithead?

Further to my earlier response your DP using that language is totally inappropriate.

I would feel hurt with that kind of language.
I think your DP does lack basic manners.
He could have asked you if you wanted something to eat aswell in order to not make you feel left out.
Your sarcasm sounds like you felt left out.

I think you do need to evaluate your relationship as a whole and see where this relationship is heading and then make your move from there.

I think hes absolutely disgusting.
Who calls their partner a cunt when he has just not made her dinner?

Why do you make his kid her tea? His her fucking father isnt he? Let him feed the child he made.
You deserve to actually have weekends where you get to have fun with your partner, you deserve to have a man cook for you and you deserve to not be called a cunt.
You havent even been with him 2 years, cut this off before you get too embroiled. Sack him off and let him shack up with another parent so they can skivvy for each other's kids.

Quite frankly I could never forgive being called a cunt. What a horrible, ignorant pig he sounds. OP you deserve more.

This is all super weird and disrespectful behaviour. I'd be leaving personally, it's just all a bit off. He seems like a man who is not above violence to soothe a fragile ego.

Don't be passive aggressive, or try to look martyred- you should have accepted his offer of cooking you something, it makes the point of you being excluded far better. Your DP's reaction was strong, but i'm not surprised he was irritated.

Have you had your 10pm meal, OP. And a nice glass of wine. You deserve it.

He sounds awful op. Anyone who spoke to me like that would never have the chance to again.

To me this feels quite hypocritical.

The op is perfectly happy with this little girl eating by herself with the adults just sitting and watching, but she's not happy for the tables to be reversed and for her boyfriend to eat with the daughter and just sit with her whilst she eats.

I'm also struggling to get my head around the timeline a bit. The op repeatedly says they cook together and she didn't appear surprised that he was cooking his daughter's dinner. Also if it was the girls usual time for dinner and the op cooks it (ie if boyfriend never cooks), clearly she's neither started nor planned anything, so it doesn't make sense. It sounds to me like usually does cook the daughters dinner.

He's not showering himself in glory here, and being spoken to that isn't acceptable. I still think the OP made a mountain out of a molehill.

Often if we aren't eating together due to kids clubs or something, one of us will end up finishing the kids food, or make something light at the same time and then the other one will just sort ourselves out. Totally normal and drama free in our house.

Thought as much, OP please heed the warnings that you're getting. This is not a sustainable situation and you deserve more. I also think his DD deserves a more engaged Dad without relying on you effort, time and emotional space.