Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

Likewise you have no idea if he ate with his DD simply because the poor lamb was starving and couldn’t possibly take a few seconds to let his partner know dinner plans had changed lest he pass
out from hunger, yet you seem pretty keen to assert that. OP wasn’t expecting him to not eat if he was hungry, all she expected was some communication.

Except that usually that doesn't happen, so if DP was making an exception he could have at least told OP that he was doing this as a one-off and said he hoped it was OK with her. Calling her rude names is completely out of order. Having a little girl isn't an excuse for treating his partner badly.

This won’t get any better- imagine the conflict you’ll be having in 10 years time when she’s a teenager.
18 months in a relationship is nothing- get out now while you still can

I can see both sides to a point. It was a miscommunication and you had an argument, which happens in relationships. However, in that argument he crossed the line. Calling you cunt after 18 months together? Run.

Most of the parents in our circle of friends don’t eat at the same time as their children. It’s fairly common. Let’s not forget that OP doesn’t have weekends to herself, the child is there every weekend and from what OP has said, seems to dictate what input OP actually has. I think DP needs to have a good think about how he’s treating her because there aren’t many women who would put up with the shit OP has outlined here.

Same here. Nobody uses that word in my presence, never mind at me!

Does he part-own the house? If not, get rid.

Nothing to do with wanting to spend time with his daughter. The point is that he was cooking for the two of them and didn’t have the courtesy to tell his own partner the dinner plans had changed - or even offer to cook something she could reheat later. When she commented he called her a selfish cunt. I’d be gone.

Be real now @OneHazelBird if your partner cooked a dinner (not made a sandwich or had a biscuit or packet of crisps but a proper meal) for everyone else in the house while you were busy in another room and didn't say anything until you saw them dishing up, you would think that's perfectly normal and ok and say absolutely nothing?

If that's genuinely the case I'm not sure whether to applaud your restraint or suggest you find a more considerate partner!

Well your sickly saccharine post doesn't wash with me. So daddy just conveniently cooked enough of his pasta dish for his little girl AND himself without thinking about it? I would guess, like most men, he likely has a good appetite so not eating tiny portions.

Plus the wonderful daddy was so busy with his baby girl that he completely forgot he has a partner who had been pretty ignored all day and was upstairs to allow him to spend precious time with his little one and was also going to want to eat something.

There is no indication that any plans had changed.

He at that point wouldn’t have been known whether he’d be hungry 4 hours later or not.

If she wanted communication then why come down and make a sarky comment and why comment at all.

The only comment I’ve ever made on someone eating is when I’m literally about to serve up dinner and my children are raiding the cupboards.
I would think nothing of them doing that 4 hours before dinner was ready though.

There was absolutely no need for him to be required to tell OP he was going to have something to eat before he ate.

I do not believe you go and tell your DH every time you eat, especially when it’s 4 hours before your usual dinner time.

😫

It's just basic courtesy, if your partner is expecting to eat dinner with you, for you to offer them dinner when you cook it. Or even say "I'm just having a little bit, will still be up for dinner later".

I'm actually at a loss to see how someone couldn't understand that what happened was rude.

He should have told you @emmalynnxx

OP I was in a v long term deeply abusive relationship where I was regularly called a fat lazy cunt by my husband. I read threads like this one over the years and thought all the posters were exaggerating saying they’d leave if they were called that. I rolled my eyes and thought yeah yeah but surely this happens to you too, you’re just being sanctimonious.

now I’m out of that relationship, 2 years into intensive therapy and healing. The other posters are right and I see this now - this behaviour is not ok, it’s not normal and it’s not what you deserve. Someone who loves you doesn’t treat you like this. They prioritise you, they care for you, they adore you. They don’t call you a cunt. Regardless of the other dynamics at play please think about what I’ve written.

you don’t deserve to be treated like this. He is showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. Listen. Act. Put yourself first.

I literally did this the other day.

My DC had their friends around and I cooked them food.
I was planning on eating my dinner much later on as we were going to get a McDonalds out.

I decided to eat some of the food I’d cooked them because I was hungry but my other DC would not eat that particular food so I didn’t ask them if they wanted any. They’re also at an age where they can get their own food when hungry.

As I’ve said, if they normally cook and eat as a family and he purposely left OP out then it would be incredibly rude but this was 4 hours before their normal dinner time and he was already cooking for his DD so put extra on as he was hungry - what’s the harm in that.

He shouldn't be calling you a name like that @emmalynnxx. If my DH ever called me that, I'd wait until we'd both calmed down (and obviously not while your DSD is around) and say that it's not acceptable to ever call me that sort of name.

Re. The meal. It was thoughtless but leave it, he was focusing on his DD, probably just wasn't thinking. His language/attitude is more concerning.

What happened to the mum? Id be very
rwary dating a man with a toddler

I’m assuming OP doesn’t live in a stately home, so popping upstairs to mention he was going to eat with his DD might have taken a minute at most.

We had a change of dinner plans last night, DC are on half term and DH took DC to Central London for the day and had lunch out whilst I went to work. Lovely. He usually cooks in the evenings as I don’t get home until about 7.30pm. I got home last night and DH said they were all still pretty full from lunch so nobody fancied the dinner he’d planned - what did I want to do about my dinner. Nobody got cross, nobody was called a cunt, I just said what a lovely sounding day, what did they all have for lunch and not to worry about me, I’d eat biscuits sort myself something out. No drama, because we communicated with each other.

Again, nothing like the OPs position at all. Why are you going to bat for a shit man and adding you irrelevant situations and having the absolute audacity to insinuate I'm drunk because you dont agree with me and many other on this thread? I'm genuinely interested.

As I’ve said, if they normally cook and eat as a family and he purposely left OP out then it would be incredibly rude but this was 4 hours before their normal dinner time and he was already cooking for his DD so put extra on as he was hungry - what’s the harm in that.

But you are just inventing the bit about him being hungry and putting a bit extra on?!?! He cooked himself and SD a meal - he didn't cook hers and just add a bit extra for himself.

He made himself and his daughter dinner and did not ask his girlfriend if she wanted any.

Exactly. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. My kids have met him a couple of times in neutral
places only in past six months. I do not get the rush or the acceptance of low bar treatment.

Unfortunately, I think there are plenty who would and who do.
Whatever OP is, she's not selfish though, and I agree her unselfish nature would be better being appreciated with someone else.

You’ve a lot of nerve accusing someone of being drunk when over a dozen different users have quoted you to explain how you’ve misread and misunderstood, @OneHazelBird.

The bar you have set means your kids and relationship now have a much, much better footing and you are the antidote x

I agree with this.... However

I think there is more to this was your body language showing attitude in order for your DP to use the language he did. I feel you acted jealously.
His language was completely out of order. Maybe you were looking for an argument hence the reason for being sarcastic.

Are you going to feel jealous and behave like this when your DP is spending time with his daughter? I do think the relationship is over.

Absurd and quite frankly, a bit disturbing assumption.