Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

Something tells me he/she will never do that.

Kindly meant OP, but your lack of boundaries make you vulnerable.
You have told him 3 or 4 times and been ignored and have allowed it.
You should have stopped after the first time he ignored you and said I told you this doesn't work for me.

This is not good for you to allow.
The www.freedomprogramme.co.uk might be good for you to do.

Boundaries are very important to have and know how to enforce in all relationships.

Yes, I was going to suggest assertiveness training.

Yes. No.

Do you generally have difficulty asserting yourself?

Then I’d stop going on the outings. He knows the score and is being selfish and arrogant and making a fool of her.

He’s a piss taker. Do you drive and give him a lift too? I’d be embarrassed if I was him except he’s not - obviously a cheeky fucker. Do you actually enjoy his company?

I don’t understand- you had the perfect conversation, you told him you didn’t want to keep paying his share - fabulous! So why did you then start paying for his drinks again? You’d done the hard bit! You need to say “I said I want to pay for our own things, and I meant it!” Alternatively say to the waiter that you’d like two separate bills as you order. There’s nothing more tiresome than a bill swerver!

It’s less complicated

You pay for what you have

People who are driving and not drinking have to do this all the time

What's really going on here?

You've said to him three or four times that you don't want to alternate paying, and he's overridden you.
He's "thick-skinned" when you shun his advances.
You struggle to assert yourself to him as you're worried it's "confrontational".
You're unable to think of a solution to this fairly straightforward situation.

This 'friendship' sounds hellish.

Definitely not, no.

The next time it is his turn to pay is the best time for you to insist that you each pay your own bill. When you have said you don't want to subsidise his wine it's too easy for him to say he'll cut down in future. But really you don't care what he eats or drinks if he pays for it. Making the point that you will have to go out less often if you're paying alternately might help persuade him.

Tell him you dont mind paying for the food, but yous will each pay for the drink yous drink.

Before we order, I just need to say, that I can’t take it in turns to pay anymore. Are you ok if we just pay for our own? Sorry, I’m not playing the poor relation card, but I genuinely can’t afford our nights out anymore if I have to take turns. You order whatever you want, fill your boots, but I can’t afford it. Hope that’s ok? I think I’m going to go for the linguine.

'I love your company and value you as a friend, but from now on I'm paying for my own food.'

You say ‘we shall pay for our own” and you mean it.

Really? You might as well dress in a coir onesie and paint 'WELCOME' across your back.

As PPs have said, it's always the ones who eat or drink more who want to find a way for someone else to pay for it.

Don't tell him things are tight this month. Tell him things are always tight and you can't afford to pay every other time, it's just too much for your budget. Say you enjoy the meetings but it's got too expensive so you'd like to do it by each paying for what they had, so that what you spend is in your control. The only thing I'd add is to say it after a meal you've paid for, even if it means sucking it up one more time, so that he can't frame it as you dodging your turn.

Don't drop hints anymore. Be straight. If he gets stroppy then I'd think about skipping the meals altogether. A real friend would understand, a freeloader will object. Then you'd have to think about what you really get out of this.

(And keep saying no when he suggests being a couple. Not only is it something you dont want to do, I wonder what else he'd be hoping you'd subsidise.)

I think you would be entitled not to want to subsidise his drinks even if you had more income than him. There is this strange cultural pressure in this country about socialising the alcohol expenditure when it can be more than the food bill. Also, guess who tend to benefit…men. I don’t drink and now I say “I’d rather not pay for the alcohol on the bill”.

Not quite: 1 glass of wine = dessert. I dont eat dessert. I glass of wine = 3/4 fancy smoothie, so a little imbalance there. 1 veggie meal = probably a couple quid less than a meat main, bu clearly should be a lot less, so a little gain there. So swings and roundabouts mostly. I eat out a lot with a couple who dont drink, but like dessert. I double check fine with the bill, they are generous, so wave it away. But I would hate if they thought I was taking advantage.

Omg just text him before you next meet and say “can we agree we stop taking turns to get the bill and that we each just pay for what we have. Otherwise I can’t afford to keep going out with you.” Perhaps he secretly thinks you owe him for all the theatre tickets but then it’s up to him to say that. I assume you might choose not to go to shows you wouldn’t choose yourself if you had to pay for your own ticket and that’s fair enough, but maybe this is why he thinks it’s still fine to run up the bill with his drinks when it’s your turn to pay. Given that you’ve said he has reacted obtusely in the past when you’ve turned down his romantic overtures, he doesn’t sound like such a good friend to me…

It's really odd - he seems to be framing himself in the role of 'sugar daddy' - but however sleazy such men are, the very first rule seems to be that at least they pay for everything for their 'sugar baby'.

Not that you would want them to treat you like a child and pay for every little thing that your heart desires, of course - as I'm sure they expect 'payment' in other ways, and, y'know, self-respect... but him fighting against even paying for himself and expecting you to keep treating him is just so weird.

Huge drip feed!

Why on earth are people saying to apologise and ask meekly if he would mind awfully if he let you stop subbing him? If a mugger grabbed your phone off you in the street, would you show deep contrition that you didn't have a top of the range new one for him to run away with, and ask if he minded that you only have a 5-year-old mid-range Samsung for him to wrest off you?!

I don’t drink so I’m a bill splitter. Eating out is expensive enough without paying for someone’s alcohol. In the past a lot of people on mumsnet are so aghast at the idea of paying for what you eat/drink that they think it’s some how a reflection on your morals that you wouldn’t happily subsidise someone else’s dinners. But they’re never as outraged by the friend whose spent £25 on drinks and then hasn’t said here, I’ve put an extra £25 in as I’ve had xyz.