Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

Since he isn’t taking it onboard, I’d be really clear and say “I don’t want you to feel you need to drink less, so let’s either get separate bills, or add up as we go”. Or you could just transfer your share to him? Many places don’t mind a split bill these days as long as it isn’t loads of you?

@Tootsurly you appear to have tried to get him to understand the unfairness and don’t appear to have much appetite for the posters suggesting ways that will ensure that you only pay for what you have consumed.

what’s holding you back from saying , when you order, that you want separate bills? What is it that you is holding you back from taking the simplist, easiest way out of this dilemma?

This really doesn't have to be so complicated?

When you're planning to meet up the next time (ideally after you paid last time, so he can't accuse you of shirking your turn), you just say during the discussion of time, place, etc., BEFORE you meet, "By the way, Fred, our financial situations are different, so it would work better for me to each pay separately for what we had in future, alright? But I'm looking forward to seeing you, and I've got a 2-4-1 on Pizza Fantastico, so shall we try that on Friday?", or similar. Then remind him at the start of the meal in case he "forgets", and make sure you stick to it at the end; and then for next time, you're sorted...

I don't understand the problem. Tell him you're budgeting and getting separate bills and don't discuss it further. Tell the waiter when you order that you want your own bill.

That isn't explicit enough. It merely says you want him to cut down on his drinks, which he did at your last meal --- you said he only had one glass of wine and coffee. You need to clearly say that each of you should just pay for your own meals, splitting the gratuity. No need to pretend that "this month" money is tight. Just say you're on a budget and want to be able to control your spending while still spending time with him. Any real friend will respect that.

He’s doing it deliberately - either because he’s a freeloader, or very possibly as punishment for you for turning down his advances. His pride was wounded when you did that, so he sits there silently smirking to himself and congratulating himself for pushing you into paying for his four glasses of wine.

But - you’ve allowed him to do this. When you told him and then he had a large glass of wine and a coffee after saying he wouldn’t have any drinks, why didn’t you just say “You’ll have to pay for your wine and coffee, John, as we’d agreed you weren’t having any drinks”.

Going forward, as soon as you sit down, say that you’d like to pay for your own food and drink going forward as you’re on a tight budget for the foreseeable future. Then ask for a separate bill or tally up what your food costs and just pay that. It’s not hard. You’re not a doormat. You don’t need to apologise for standing up for yourself. You’re entitled to do this - so do it!

It's a combination of having brought it up now three or four times, and the fact that he's made it very clear he doesn't like splitting the bill. So it feels confrontational, and it feels like it would be rude to say I'm only paying for what I've eaten.

Also it's complicated by the fact he sometimes treats me to theatre tickets - again because he has more disposable income, and he wants someone to go with him. This is why I don't think he's mean, but again, just because he can afford expensive theatre tickets doesn't mean I can.

Don't tell him you're budgeting or that money is tight, as this only transfers his obligation on to you and makes it sound like a 'you problem'.

He isn't a tiny little child who doesn't yet understand that, if we have ALL of the fab treats we want, then mummy or daddy have to spend a lor of their pennies on them... you haven't mentioned any severe learning difficulties on his part, so he knows what he's doing. He knows that he's running up a bill, but he thinks he's really clever and has found a cunning way to get you to pay for his booze.

For goodness' sake, don't start making it sound like you're the problem threatening this blatant CF setup.

He sounds like a dick.
You shouldn't have to say this twice.
He is rude and disrespectful to ignore your preference.

Next time he suggests going out, say "sorry my budget doesn't cover going to dine with you as it's too expensive".

Lots of younger people like to go for bites of food, but don't like to add drinks.
My kids are like that.

He sounds a bit domineering, the age gap has him thinking he can walk all over you.
Also wants you to be a couple?

I'd rethink this.

Hmmm I wonder why he doesn't like splitting the bill? Ah yes it's because he'd have to pay for his wine.
He's using you. I bet he feels secretly smug about it too.
You've made it clear, so he knows how you feel.
My bet is he will be free less often if you just stop paying.
'I don't want to take turns anymore, here's the money for my meal, lovely to see you Brian, enjoy your coffee'

Are they theatre productions that you want to go to, and would go to independently even if he weren't on the scene? Or is it more like an adult equivalent of when little kids are desperate to see Peppa Pig Live (or whatever) and their parents also get the 'privilege' of going along with them as well?!

No, that's no good because it's not explicit enough.

You already told him you can't keep paying when he orders 4 wines, and he responded by ordering 1 (big) wine and a coffee next time. Alternating just opens up the possibility of him drinking even more.

You need to specifically say that regardless of where and how often you catch up, you don't want to pay for his drinks.

Honestly, I think you need to lay it out for him.

"I know you dont like splitting the bill. But I would prefer to just pay for what I have. I know youre very generous and I do really appreciate that. But I would be much more comfortable just paying for myself from now on". Then the next meal out, ask at the start for separate bills.

The alternative is to continue paying more than you can justify on meals out, knowing it comes out in the wash against the theatre tickets tgat you wouldnt choose to pay for.

This is not a healthy relationship because it's very unequal and something is making you fear confrontation.
I don't understand why you can't have a productive conversation?

It's a mixture. We have similar tastes, but I wouldn't choose to go to all the things he selects, no.

Are you even sure you want to be friends and meet up with him? He sounds like a dick and I'm wondering if he's just taking advantage of your difficulty with assertiveness.

So why do you go?

I think he sees her/him as a pushover.

would he buy you tickets for something he didn't want to go and see?

Because he selects good quality productions which are edifying, so I'm happy to go, and because I don't mind keeping him company.

I don't know if I'm explaining it poorly or whether it's more or less complicated than I am expressing.

Early on in our "relationship" I left him my card to put my part of the bill on when I went to the loo (we were in a bit of a rush). He didn't use it, but then later made a comment suggesting he thought I was trying to evade paying my share.

Why do you want to be friends with someone who has absolutely no respect for what you have to say?

He has, yes. Not something that he actively didn't want to see, but it wouldn't have been his choice.

You said he doesn’t want to split the bill but effectively you are by alternating. I would just tell him that his way doesnt work for you as you end up overspending so you’re going to do it your way for the next few occasions and see how it goes and then only pay for what you have. (And never go back to the old way). He knows the score as you told him before. When actions and words don’t match always go with the actions. Ie you need to stick to your guns as what he agrees to and what he does differs.

Are you a woman?
Is this about him thinking he's educating you up to his standards?