Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

I like to be generous, but on my own terms. It makes me extremely cross when someone else dictates all the "rules" about who's paying when.

We have friends we eat with.
Bill arrives- it gets passed around. We'll agree how much tip if any.
Everyone says how much they'll pay, and the waiter can walk around with the card machine and everyone taps their card with said amount. All my friends are reasonabe though- we play fair, and no one deals in pennies when it comes to the bill!

Worry about that next month. You may not want to still be friends, depending on his behaviour this month when you do separate bills.

You need to say, Mate, I love eating out with you, but I just drink tap water and I can't afford to subsidise your drinks. In future lets just pay for what we've had, OK?

When the waiter takes the order just say to him or her that you’ll be paying separately then give your order.

I agree, don't say its "this month" say that you need to cut down for the foreseeable.

Sorry this is mean - if I am drinking an the other party isn’t (medication or driving), I deduct the booze from the bill and ask them for half the ‘food’ bit, plus 10% towards the service charge. Then I pay the balance. (Ie my half of the food plus drinks and proportionate service charge).

You can even ask the waiter to bill the drinks separately these days. No excuse.

TBH he’s not much of a friend, so I would question the whole meal thing really - but failing that, definitely just ask for the staff to bring two bills - one for your meal and one for his plus drinks next time. Just say it very clearly at the start. You may find he won’t order so much if he has to pay… which would definately make it the last meal I’d have out with him.

Just say - im only splitting food and we'll pay for our own drinks. Or just say im paying for what I ordered from now on.
Its quite easy to use your voice with real friends.

Fair enough. Generosity relies on people not taking the piss & it sounds like he is.

I don’t understand this. Why don’t you just say “let’s pay for what we’ve each ordered” when you get the bill?

‘Let’s just get separate tabs’

I have voted YABU because you are being so wet about it. Of course you shouldn’t be subsidising him but it’s such an easy problem to solve.

I already said I've brought it up several times and told him I don't want to pay for his wine. I've also said I'll raise it again, but I'm trying to avoid it becoming awkward.

Just say 'let's just stick with paying for what had like last time". Once you've broken the taking turns things it gets easier.

Not sure why you needed to post twice. I haven't said that because he instigated a pattern of taking turns and it felt confrontational to announce, in the restaurant, that I wasn't going to do that.

its already awkward...I mean get a grip!

Why is it confrontational though? You just say “let’s pay for what we’ve ordered”? If he objects to that, then you will know that he’s the dick. If he doesn’t object then problem solved.

'That's for my food. I'm sorry I can't keep taking turns or splitting the bill because money's tight and you always have more food and drinks than me'.

I'm not accusing you personally of anything, but this is exactly the same kid of thing that the CF bill-splitters will say: turn it on to you for agreeing to go out for a meal when YOU can't afford it - by which they mean that you can't/don't want to pay for them when they had been counting on just that.

Of course, the obvious 'takeaway' from this is that THEY can't afford to pay for what they have consumed, but that's somehow your fault and problem and not theirs!

Just tell him that things are tight so you need separate bills. No big deal. If it is, it tells you a lot about him and whether the friendship is a good one.

I'm a non-drinker and have had to set limits when out with people who drink. A lesson learned the hard way.

What are you getting out of this friendship apart from a dinner companion?

Despite you being blunt with him, it seems he ignores what you say (if he doesn’t want to hear it)? That doesn’t sound like much of a friend.

Yes true; he has no real reason to object.

You say ‘hey John, I can’t afford to go out with you and alternate getting the bill the way you drink. Do you want to only meet every second month and still alternate or we each cover our own and keep meeting up? It seems a shame to me to see each other less just because you don’t like going Dutch, but it’s your call.

Find a restaurant that's BYOB?

Do you find it difficult to assert yourself?. I'm wondering why, perhaps he's a more dominant character, or you find this generally?.