To consider moving to private school because my 6 year old is doing ‘okay’?

[naturalstressor]

‘OK’ sort of sums it up. He’s ’in the middle, but towards the lower end of it.’ He’s getting a bit of extra support with phonics, maths is ‘OK’ and behaviour is good.

I do feel like he’s slumping behind a bit and keen to support him but I really am doing everything I can at home.

I am considering whether to move him to private school. It would be a huge financial burden but I really want to help him. I feel like he is underachieving but isn’t weak enough to warrant a lot of extra input.

you think he can't improve his reading skills between now and age 12?

honestly if you're doing your bit - plenty of reading, maths homework, etc.a and school are doing all they can and extra support, financially crippling yourself for private school seems fairly pointless. you're all doing your best.

@thisismeithinkorisit I don’t for a moment think that his reading level will stay as it currently is permanently.

It is of course possible he may be a late bloomer and may suddenly come on in leaps and bounds. It’s also possible that he may also lag behind a bit and it’s that possibility I worry about a bit because if he gets a bit more behind every year, while he’s still making progress he’s also getting further behind.

For all the anger my post seems to have evoked, it’s really upsetting coming out of parents evening feeling like you’ve failed your child, that he’s struggling and you’re trying so hard to help him but nothing really seems to be making much difference. I never come out feeling either reassured or happy about his learning!

So since I do have access to a substantial sum of money which I was going to use for private school at secondary level anyway I was wondering about moving him now. Obviously it’s a lot of money but it’s also cheaper at primary level. So it’s doable but does mean that obviously once the money has been spent on that, it’s gone if you like. But it’s very hard watching your child struggle.

I think that you need to logically map out what areas you think he is struggling with, and what specific improvements will help.

Personally, I would be worried that a private school might have the opposite effect at this stage.

In my experience, private schools (good ones)are more competitive, and have a higher average standard than state schools. So if you son is lower-middle in a state school, I would be worried that in moving him to a primary school, he will be even lower. Yes he will get more attention, but it could also hurt his confidence and isolate him further, if he is comparing himself to children who are doing better.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Private schools can be great, but just make sure that the problem you want to address will actually be solved by it. It isn't just a money = fix, situation.

Personally, at 6 I would be trying to do more at home with him. The areas you mention are easy things for parents to help their children in, and if you can help him catch up first, then a shift to a different school might be perfect.

Not sure why you are getting such annoying answers. I moved mine at 11 to Private as the small class sizes were better for her AuDHD. In primary she was struggling so what we did for maths and English was Kumon. Is there a Kumon centre near you? We found it helped enormously.

If you still decide to go private go somewhere that has the school fees plan, that way you can pay monthly over 12 months rather than 3 big payments a year.

Also the education section here is useful on school selection advice.

Year 1 or 2? If he’s year 2, did he pass the phonics screening? It’s generally a good indicator in how they’ll do with reading progress going forward. Also, how’s he doing in terms of reading bands?

I wouldn’t jump to private, it feels quite pointless for primary. Definitely understand why parents do for secondary but it’s overkill when they’re small.

If you have only one child and can afford it and have a contingency plan if family income changes unexpectedly e.g redundancy, I'll health , an independent prep school with smaller classes and therefore more attention might help him , but he might find the change difficult especially if he likes his current school.

By the law of averages, many children are in middle. If he is trying his best and has a good attitude to learning, those are good traits so do balance out whether taking him out of somewhere he is happy and putting him in a more demanding environment is right for him.

I wouldn’t be worried about stuff like phonics and times tables.Reading fluently is a skill that he will get at some point, early readers are generally no smarter than the children who get it a bit later.

If you want him to be successful and academic I would focus on encouraging him to be curious about the world, talking to him lots, and not stopping him facing challenges and learning how to solve problems himself.

My experience of teaching university students is that the best ones are not the ones tutored or with the best A levels it’s the ones who are independent, curious and can problem solve.

I wouldn't move him now. As a mother of 3, all of whom have gone on to either Oxbridge or Ivy League universities, I will say that there's a huge variety of academic attainment at that age and that early proficiency doesn't necessarily equal achievement later, especially for boys. I have two boys and a girl and the two boys were definitely at the lower and middle end of the pack at various times and both went on to get all A* at A-level. Different kids mature at different paces.

You said early on that you are concerned he will gradually fall further and further behind each year. That won't happen. You are obviously a concerned, switched on parent and will stay aware and on top of his progress. In time, he will either catch up or it will become apparent where the issues are. Just keep doing what you're doing and try not to let him feel any pressure.

Adding that mine were in private all the way through due to two international moves, and I wouldn't jump to that at this point. If you're already supporting him at home, and he's fine socially, and relatively happy, I don't know that it will make much of a difference at best, and could be a more pressurised environment at worst, all while putting you under financial strain.

Right now, I'd try to switch off the worry, take a deep breath, and see how it unfolds.

I teach year 2. The most important thing for children this age is family and what goes on at home.

Can I ask what is going on at home - do you read to him every day, several story books every single day? Do you go to the library? does he read to you (5x a week, pref every day, just a few mins), do you play board games (good for maths), do you cook and bake (again maths), do you have lots of enriching activities for after school - colouring, drawing, play dough, creative stuff? This is what makes a difference to kids.

and talk. Talk talk talk. Think aloud about everything in the world. Look at that pink flower? Where do you think that cat is going? What do you think will happen in this story?

you are right, in that the squeezed middle gets the least attention. But we do look at all children and what they need to do to push them on. If he is having phonics interventions then you could do more of this at home but in a fun way just through reading. Even story books, he can try to recode the odd word, follow the story with his eyes as you read. A little and often, every single day. In a fun way, through stories, not through boring phonics cards. It’s very very dry and he is getting a lot at school. Supplement and complement with stories and as much reading practice of his school books as possible.

and also as little screen time as possible. Just a bit of CBeebies if you have to. Attenborough. Enriching tv that teaches them something while they relax, not Netflix shit. Pref not American as it does affect their language and how they say things, their vocab, so stick to UK stuff while he is learning his sounds.

the more fun but engaging stuff you do at home, the better. We find that our children who are avid readers are also excellent writers because their vocab is so rich.

For absolute sure he would get more attention at private school. But there is so so much you can do yourself that will make more of a difference and cost nothing but a little time. School is already intervening, they have noticed, they have a plan. Ask what you can do to help. And don’t panic. He will be fine.

Don’t let him fall behind. Consider extra classes / sessions eg on a Saturday for specific subjects. Particularly maths - if you don’t get one concept at a crucial stage it undermines the progression. Or get a tutor - there are some really fun nice ones out there. I use tutorful.co.uk

My DD has a long term tutor who she leans on for maths / sciences. He’s a resource for her and helps her feel capable. Much cheaper than private school if that’s going to be a burden. FWIW DD is at private school (now!) but it took years to close the gap created by her being in the middle of the class at her state school and getting no extra attention

Perhaps a good tutor could help work out what is slowing up his reading etc and help him develop strategies . I think it's worth a try. Stretching yourself financially for a private school feels drastic at such a young age.

My daughter (only ever been educated privately) was extremely ahead at 6. She’s now mid teens and is comfortably middle of the pack - and also really happy!
What he can do/learn/understand at 6 really has little bearing on the rest of his academic life. If you’d looked at a ‘projection’ of where my daughter would be now when she was 6, you’d think she was soon to be invited to join Mensa. She actually just picked things up quite quickly for her age at that age.

If you want to go private, go for it. But I paid circa £12k in our first year and close to 40k ten years later. Fees go up and up, seniors normally has 2 tiers of fees too. If you’d need to stretch yourself now, it’s not a good idea.

I’m usually a big encourager of private education for anyone who can afford it, but honestly I think your reasoning is a bit bonkers.

I have to call this out. The amount of work these little people do in a day is phenomenal. They come home exhausted because we have squeezed every bit of learning out of them that we can. It’s not how I would roll myself as a teacher, but from the minute they get in (literally) they are at it. Morning work. Register. Phonics. Handwriting, English, assembly - all before break. Guided reading, maths, lunch. Maths fluency, then two subjects like history, science, geography, PE, music, DT, art etc. it is so full on. They are bombarded with information continually. Missing one day means you miss 6 hours of input.

please don’t underestimate what we do as teachers and what your children do at school. They aren’t just playing. They are being drilled drilled drilled. We make it as chill and fun and engaging as we can but it is genuinely exhausting for everyone when they are still so young and some of them (esp the boys) are still learning how to sit in a carpet space for more than 10 seconds.

we ask an awful lot of our kids at 6. Honestly, for the vast majority it is too much. So your six year old OP, if he is a little ‘behind’ where some twatty government official of Gove’s feels he should be at 6, I am honestly not bothered. We will make sure he gets there and also make sure he knows that he is kind, talented, a vital member of the group etc. I promise he will not go unnoticed and we won’t think any less of him if he entirely understandably takes a little longer to get his set 3 sounds. In the grand scheme of life, it’s the blink of an eye. I want him to grow as a little person, not a machine. Most teachers are the same I promise, even though SLT will be banging on about data and targets like we aren’t dealing with individual little humans.

Why post when you already know your choice @naturalstressor

All of this with knobs on!!!!!!!

OP says But it’s very hard watching your child struggle .... but is he struggling? Or does some externally and randomly imposed parameter say he is behind in some way?
She also says he is happy in school, so how is thst struggling?
We drill, drill, drill stuff into children from such a young age then wonder why they get pissed off or suffering mental illness health further down the line. It is like forcefeeding a goose to get foie grass.

There is a Steiner school near us where no formal learning at all is introduced till 7 and, guess what, their alumni are surgeons, painters, lawyers, writers, plumbers, academics ......

Get these poor kids off the treadmill and let them flower in thir own time not t some bireaucratically dictated timetable.

I want him to grow as a little person, not a machine. indeed!

@naturalstressor If you're a stressor on top of the natural concern of being an engaged parent then maybe just take a breath? I'll try and be helpful by being a bit analytical (from personal experience and professional knowledge). All children's abilities in all areas vary and at a population level abilities are distributed across what nerds like me call 'normal distribution curves'. What thatt means is kids are below average, average and above average. But not all kids can be above average or average, that's not how it works.
We know quite a lot about factors contribute to attainment. Good teaching, innate ability (genetics play a role) and parental input are all factors. BUT can be mediated by specific learning difficulties like dyslexia and dyscalculia or neurodevelopmental difficulties etc etc.
If you want to support your son to be achieving to the best of his abilities you need to understand why he is a bit below age related expectations. Is that his actual natural ability? Is he not motivated/engaged (normal at 6, can resolve or remain an issue). Is the teaching rubbish? Is he able but working with an unidentified dyslexia/dyscalculia?
Until you understand why you won't put the right solutions in. Smaller classes in a private school won't necessarily fix it. If you want to really understand him and his learning abilities and underlying abilities and you've got some cash, book a session with an educational psychologist. Explain you want to rule out any learning difficulties, get a view on his profile and what would best support him. Make sure the assessment includes a full Weschler and a report that helps you understand what his strengths and weaknesses are and what learning approaches will best support him.
After that make a decision on tutors schools next steps.....

@Longtimelurker1980 honestly, we do all of that. I really genuinely take so much time to read with him, talk about things with him, introduce new concepts and so on. And it’s good: he is interested in the world and in nature in particular. But my worry is the reading in particular. Children who are good readers generally become better readers because they enjoy reading. Ds enjoys being read to but he doesn’t enjoy reading himself because it’s hard for him.

@Mischance i am honestly not trying in any way to be critical here but I have been here long enough to know you have your own opinion on this but it’s not what I’m about today, OK? And that is said ‘nicely.’ His teacher has said he’s struggling, that’s what I’m going off. A wider discussion about children’s targets and age appropriate education is interesting but not today.

Thanks @jeaux90 . If (and it really is an enormous if!) I went private I would be paying it in one lump sum. This would mean a hefty discount but also mean a hefty amount gone from my money. Of course it’s a last resort in some ways but I don’t think the ‘wait and see’ approach is working too well.

He is Y1 @Sartre . He is not currently on track to pass the phonics screening test. That’s my main concern tbh. I have to admit I’m always a bit lost when people say it doesn’t matter for primary. I understand for secondary the exams will stay with them for life but if he goes into y7 without secure knowledge in English or maths it will be an uphill struggle. For a variety of reasons I didn’t have a proper education at primary level and although English was fine as I was a reader maths was not fine and I struggled a lot. I obviously don’t want this for ds.

The username was a bit tongue in cheek @hettie but I always come away from DS’s parents evenings stressing. It’s often what isn’t said. I had:

’his behaviour has improved’ (was it poor beforehand?’)
’he is struggling in reading; he is not currently on track to pass the phonics test at the end of y1. He’s in an intervention group.’
’his handwriting still needs a lot of support.’
’maths is a bit better, but he still loses focus.’
’he is interested in the world around him.’

I do accept that he is only six and he has a long journey through school but I don’t believe many parents would hear that and not be concerned. When I first had that sort of parents evening I felt like I’d failed him and put in a lot of work at home with him. But now a year on from the first parents evening and he’s still floundering a bit.

I don’t want to disrupt him and I don’t ideally want to be spending a lot of money! But I also want to help him.

I want to try and give you some encouragement here.
Funny question, is he an only child. No others to compare with or to distract you.
You've been piled on a bit so I understand you are feeling defensive.
Ive got three adults. All very different achievements in school. In the end, one brilliant and sharp as a tack - doctor of science; the dreamer and creative one - medical researcher and a published poet ; the least academic one- international athlete running her own training school.
What I'm trying to say is that your lovely son will find his niche in life. Like posters have said, not everyone can be top 10%.

So here is a question. Did the school use the words "under achieving " or is that how you are interpreting it.

If its the school and you are doing the very best you can, he might just need time to catch up. You know this will send ripples of shock and horror through MN but I know of cases (one a neighbour) who's son repeated a year and absolutely the best thing he could have done.
Ps. My darling husband can barely read. Brilliant at maths and became an electrician - now retired. He struggles with books but throw a one dimension wiring drawing down and for him it's like ABC. Had a very successful career, and now enjoying a comfortable retirement.
I understand you are worrying but take it from someone who's been around the sun a few times. You are doing your best. Dont let this define your son.
I wish you all the best....you and him will be fine and you will look back later and see that you were just being human.

My yr 1 child is in private school for a similar reason. She’s sort of middle of the class, exactly where she’d get lost in a much bigger class with less teaching resources (not struggling enough to warrant extra intervention but also not flying ahead either).

It was a bit of a financial commitment for us and I have 0 regrets. She is coming in leaps and bounds, get extra help with phonics when needed, and has massively benefited from being in a class of 10. Maybe she would’ve caught up as she got older, but my gut (and the experience of teacher friends and family) tells me we’ve made the right choice for her.

Feel free to ignore what I am saying, because it does not accord with your views. But know this ......

I have 3 AC and they have been to an assortment of different schools, including private, and I have the benefit of a bank of experience and knowledge from all this, as well as watching what happened to their friends and seeing what worked well and what fell short of achieving happy well-balanced adults.

When I was your age I might have been saying what you are saying in our current context, although the context was of course different then (no national curriculum, no random standards, good supportive inspection system etc.).

I have also been a primary school governor for 10 years, so have had detailed involvement in how primary schools function now. And I also worked professionally for CAMHS.

These things have framed my priorities. There is something to be said for giving a passing thought to the experiences of others who have the benefit of hindsight and experience to know what really matters in a child's life. They might be helpful and beneficial to your child. Or you could close your mind and reject the value of experience.

I am quite sure you are wanting to do your best for your child, as we all do, but there is something to be said for standing back and reframing all this rather than getting caught up in the pressure of the moment.

Hi OP. It sounds like you already have a particular private school in mind, since you're talking about paying as a lump sum for a discount in fees?

First, have you checked they even have spaces? Second, if you've confirmed that they would accept new pupils into his year group, could you go in and talk to the teachers about your concerns? Sound them out basically. What would they actually do differently? Do you feel they understand? You may come away feeling that your son would be better helped in this school. You may not. But I'd really recommend going in and talking with them before you do anything else.

Is this a mixed ability school? What actually is the SEN provision (if indeed it does emerge he may benefit from this at some point)?

Just be careful also that 'average' in a prep, even a non selective one, is likely to be skewed higher than what is deemed 'average' elsewhere. I remember a prep headteacher telling me that, in terms of CAT tests (where 'average' is standardised at 100), something like 60% of the population will fall between 90 and 110 on the bell curve. But in this totally non-selective London prep, the average score in CAT tests (which they used to track performance versus potential) was 115. So an 'average' child could feel as though they are struggling in their cohort, even though, on a national level, they are just performing within the norm.

Be aware also that independent school do not do SATs. So that hoopla is avoided at least (as it's just for govt stats in school performance). Independent schools will most likely use CAT tests that try to assess underlying ability. If a child is scoring more highly in CAT tests, but their performance in school does not reflect their underlying potential, then a good prep will (hopefully) interpret this as evidence - not that the child is failing, but rather that they are failing the child. They may recommend Ed Psych assessments or look at ways to support different learning styles.

But as I say, go in and talk to the school. Find out how they assess academic potential, student progress and how they would meet your specific child's' needs.

Sorry to go on, but also bear in mind that in a private primary school, from about Year 5, there will be a lot of focus on 11 plus prep for independent senior schools. This is not like 11 plus for grammar schools - because every independent senior school will have its own style of entrance exam. Plus most will interview as well. This can be a lot of pressure for kids, many of whom will be sitting for many schools including 'back-up options', 'aspirational schools' etc etc. The interviews and exams can go on for months.

Even in 'through schools' that go to 18, they may not automatically accept all children from their prep into the senior part of the school.

Whst type of private school are you looking at? Is it one that prepares them for 11 plus? Or Common Entrance at 13 plus? It's worth really considering how much pressure you want for your child at this stage because the primary years will whizz by.

The test is in June. It’s October. Please give him a chance to develop naturally. I know it’s hard when school are all drill drill drill and stats, but honestly he’s just started his first year of proper schooling and it’s an absolute culture shock. Unless he is hugely ‘behind’, and I would check with the school on this, then most catch up well over time. But some kids are simply below average, and that’s also ok. Interestingly our middle class parents all want their children to be exceptional and this isn’t possible. They can be exceptional to you, and to us as teachers, whilst being average or below average at school.

id you are doing all this at home then all is well, keep doing it. If he still struggles then inherently there may be a learning need to pick up. Formal diagnoses don’t start til about 7 precisely because kids present pretty similarly to some diagnoses just because they are young and learning.

Your trust in the school is an issue though. Satisfy yourself that they know your child and are doing all they can. But being completely honest, remember they have 30 kids and there will be many others with greater needs than ‘middle of the road’ - middle of the road is great. Most of us are middle of the road in life. And he’s only 6, and has only just started his journey.

But my worry is the reading in particular. Children who are good readers generally become better readers because they enjoy reading. Ds enjoys being read to but he doesn’t enjoy reading himself because it’s hard for him.

Honestly do the placement tests with

https://www.soundfoundations.co.uk/learning-to-read/

It's ten minutes a day - starts with flash cards with phonics sounds DS knew them but didn't have fast enough recall to help with reading. We had to start at the bottom and used tricks like shouting out sounds so he could blend.

After that we did thinks like reading chest - then he found his dad old comics - and spent rest of his childhood and teen years being the book worm of the family.

It was harder with eldest as we waited longer as school suggested it would click - there was more doubt built up - - started further along and had to do spelling books as well - took a lot of to get them reading but did manage it - audio books graphic novels dyslexia books - I worried we'd never get there but we did.

If we could have gone private for smaller classes would have considered it - but there are other options if it's too much of a stretch financially.

Personally I'm glad we ignore all the leave them to it which then turns into they aren't academic - to well you masked their issues when they finally got diagonsed - at uni which they wouldn't have got near without support given their schools and their constant gaslighting round their issues.