DH body like an old man

[Coddledhaddock]

I kind of know I am BU but I also can’t help it.

Met my DH 20 years ago and he was chubby, but then over the years grew to be very much overweight. I never had an issue with this, still found him attractive etc, although he always did have an issue with his weight and the way he looked, so would try fad diets, gym memberships (although he paid monthly and rarely went), but nothing worked, he got bigger if anything.

For about 1.5 years now he’s been doing the weight loss jabs and has lost a whole heap of weight. He’s much happier with his current weight, but I can’t help but think his appearance now is just really unattractive. I know how bad that sounds, and facially he’s still attractive (just as good looking but much thinner and TBH looks quite ill)…it’s his body. I’m not exaggerating when I say he looks like an 80-90 year old man. He’s 45.
He’s got a lot of excess skin which is sagging and wrinkly, but then he’s also incredibly boney. From the neck down he really does look double his age.
As I say, he’s happy, and I’m pleased that he is, but (sorry TMI) having sex with him isn’t only weird because it’s like he’s a different person, but also I can’t help thinking it feels like I’m having sex with a very old man, and that just feels, well it’s not a nice thought TBH

I am very aware my body has changed over the years due to age, babies etc, so I know I probably am BU but obviously I can’t say these things I’m thinking to him or even out loud to anyone else, so I guess MN is just my sounding board this afternoon!

There is a woman in an activity group that I am in. Probably around 40. She was obese but her liveliness and smiliest made her a very attractive woman. She would wear quite tentlike clothes, but looked good in them.

She has lost a massive amount of weight and now has the body of a girl rather than a woman. I am assuming she loves not having to wear voluminous clothes because she wears sleeveless mini-dresses whatever the weather. But her face looks absolutely terrible - really haggard. I feel really shocked and this isn't even someone I know well.

How does it help ,I'm at the point I might get saggy skin

Blimey ..we can't win
Looked down on when fat
And looked down on when we loose the weight

I know a woman who was a little overweight but nothing drastic and was complaining about it. A couple of months or so later she's dropped a dramatic amount of weight. I don't know if it's WLI... honestly I didn't think she was big enough to qualify but I hear they're easy to get if you want them. I feel as though she should look good, but somehow she doesn’t, and her face does seem too thin now. I hope she's well... I don't know her well enough to ask.

Nah I totally get it OP.
Rapid weight loss is incredibly ageing and you shrink faster than your skin. It can make people look really haggard.
Sometimes smaller people take comfort from a big bear type, so when that bear becomes more of a naked mole rat i can imagine the change being disconcerting.

Well done, that’s an amazing amount to lose. How do you do the weight training?

Food is an addiction for some but by no means all people.

The difference with other addictions is that you can't go cold turkey on food, so its harder to tackle the issue. You can live without your cigs, booze, drugs etc but you have to eat to live. That's why these injections are so popular but if not used with supporting therapies, I think they could be very counter productive.

Its a very different battle for some and you are minimising that. Most addictions, including food are a way of self medicating, give immediate relief but long term harm and it becomes a vicious circle. You comfort eat, you feel bad for being fat and the circle continues. Or your use WLI and lose weight quickly but if it doesn't address the issues that made you over eat, once you come off those jabs, you will end up worse than before. I think they may work for people that do not have major weight issues.

And the quicker you lose the weight, the less chance you body has of doing it healthily and there is a higher risk of replacing one issue with another as you ruin your body.

The irony is that had us fatties existed in the stone age we would have been the premium life partner, with the food and famine situation our capacity to eat and store fat would be highly sort after. (I'm joking before anyone challanges me)

Thanks for the feedback. DH was actually at a routine GP apt recently (just got called up for a heart check because of his age) and all was fine apparently and nothing more discussed than that. He has to send updates to the WLI ‘doctor’ occasionally and chats with them, but is convinced he’s healthy, so not sure how much gets discussed.

I’ll continue with the suggestions of the gym and also what he eats etc because it absolutely is that as well as losing fat, he’s also lost muscle, and that’s what has made him look so old in the body I think. That’s the thing I’m referring to more so than the excess skin. The excess skin is a given for someone who’s lost weight, I get that and I’m sure my belly isn’t as firm as it once was after having kids. But his arms, legs, chest are bony with no muscle whatsoever, which has him looking like an 80-90 year old man.

Very much noted about the health concerns, I’ll keep on with that with him, whilst also maintaining my prerogative that I find it difficult to look at his frail body and be attracted to that. Hopefully he’ll take my advice (lots from here - thanks) and start to bulk up some muscle.

Would you prefer it if he stayed obese and died young?

@Coddledhaddock if at all possible he should seriously consider starting to see a PT regularly. What you describe sounds like pretty serious muscle wastage. Big people often have a pretty well-developed musculature because moving a bigger body around is a strength workout in itself. The level of wastage that you describe sounds extreme. If he is still on the jabs and experiencing high suppression then he will need to consider reducing his dose so that he can eat more. It's very very difficult to build muscle in a large calorie deficit.

You’ve got me! Properly caught me out there didn’t you! 👏

Yes of course she can leave but what about in sickness and in health?

DH has cancer. He has had cancer since 2014 but now it's terminal. His body is wrecked. Should I divorce him too?

When you marry someone, just with a lot of decisions in life, you really need to think about the worse possible scenario. This is just loose skin on a man who is healthier and happier as a result. Loose skin.

On second thoughts, she should divorce him.

Ridiculous comment.

No, its a realistic comment. So says this ex fattie, and its the argument made to me in one form or another when I went to my GP's pre weight loss. "If you don't do something this could have major effects on your health and shorten you life"

If you really aren’t attracted to your husband/partner anymore, it can be soul destroying to have to share a bed and live with them.

It isn't a specific issue with losing weight so fast on the jabs. It's an issue with losing a lot of weight full stop.

Unless you lose a lot of weight through massive, massive amounts of exercise alone, this will always happen. Whether it's low carbing, low calorie, an eating disorder, WLIs or illness. Significant weight loss, however it happens, will result in lots of loose skin in a previously obese person, unless they do masses of exercise to tone up as they go. And even then, they can only tone what muscle they have. You can't tone loose skin, not really. And there will always be excess skin where significant weight loss happens.

As a rule, doing insane amounts of exercise is a painfully slow way to lose weight because muscle is heavier than fat and exercising makes you really hungry. So while it might be the 'healthiest' way to lose weight it's also the hardest and the slowest and it takes huge amounts of discipline and denial.

He should try adding muscle.
Would he get a PT at the gym? Lifting weights, running, whatever he enjoys.
You can build muscle at 45- he's still young!

He needs to eat 1gm protein per kilo of body weight, at least and more if he wants to add muscle.

Man or woman, he needs to exercise and tone up.

I saw a friend recently having not seen her for a couple of years and was absolutely shocked to see that she had lost a vast amount of weight. I would say around 7-8 stone. I had no idea she’d been on the injections.

anyway like others, her face was extremely haggard and she had a lot of loose skin and was very self conscious. It seems a big price to pay for all this rapid weight loss tbh when that’s the end result.

Also weight lifting takes a long time especially from this starting point. You’d need to be working out x 4 times per week over a prolonged period. Easily a year plus to see a meaningful change. So unless he has the motivation to do it, it won’t yield magical results

A GP friend said a lot of her patients are experiencing this because WLI target muscle as much as fat. A real danger is stopping the jabs though because then the fat comes back but not the muscle. To counteract the effects and regain some strength your DH needs to focus on nutrition, ensuring he is getting sufficient protein, fibre and fat, as well as strength training

Pretending these are the only two options is mad

That’s not the issue here. OP is being honest. Why wag a finger?

It might be interesting for him to look into body composition or a scan to check his muscle mass, fat etc. It may highlight muscle loss

If its in budget perhaps he would feel more comfortable working with personal trainer privately to get started

What do you want to happen here OP? What’s your ideal outcome?

You sound almost thrilled about it.

How did you get from OP saying she doesn't fancy her husband anymore to a 'slew of court cases'of people with mental health issues and saggy skin caused by the jabs??????

Would love to see the stats on this.