DH body like an old man

[Coddledhaddock]

I kind of know I am BU but I also can’t help it.

Met my DH 20 years ago and he was chubby, but then over the years grew to be very much overweight. I never had an issue with this, still found him attractive etc, although he always did have an issue with his weight and the way he looked, so would try fad diets, gym memberships (although he paid monthly and rarely went), but nothing worked, he got bigger if anything.

For about 1.5 years now he’s been doing the weight loss jabs and has lost a whole heap of weight. He’s much happier with his current weight, but I can’t help but think his appearance now is just really unattractive. I know how bad that sounds, and facially he’s still attractive (just as good looking but much thinner and TBH looks quite ill)…it’s his body. I’m not exaggerating when I say he looks like an 80-90 year old man. He’s 45.
He’s got a lot of excess skin which is sagging and wrinkly, but then he’s also incredibly boney. From the neck down he really does look double his age.
As I say, he’s happy, and I’m pleased that he is, but (sorry TMI) having sex with him isn’t only weird because it’s like he’s a different person, but also I can’t help thinking it feels like I’m having sex with a very old man, and that just feels, well it’s not a nice thought TBH

I am very aware my body has changed over the years due to age, babies etc, so I know I probably am BU but obviously I can’t say these things I’m thinking to him or even out loud to anyone else, so I guess MN is just my sounding board this afternoon!

Agreed but adding muscle (volume) to replace the volume lost as fat will improve the overall visual which seems to be what OP cares about. And of course it’s up to the person who lost the weight whether they care about loose skin or not. Baby plus weightloss means I’ve defo got some extra skin but unlike the OP, no one is complaining

I’d rather be healthy but a bit saggy than dying of an obesity related illness 👍

ONLY six stone?!

How much did he lose?! I’ve lost 9 stone on MJ and don’t have noticeable saggy skin etc. when I was another stone and a half down my boobs were a bit depressed and I had a little bit of stomach wrinkles but I wouldn’t go beyond that.

@Wickesisgoodenoughforme you don’t HAVE to do weights or you WILL end up looking awful. I certainly didn’t do weights and I look absolutely fine!

My DH lost 30 kg on the jabs after being quite fat for much of our relationship. To start with, he looked thin and saggy and tbh not that great, as the weight came off really fast, but three years on and having maintained the loss he looks a lot better. To be clear, he went from about 100 kg to 70 kg so he was obese, but not morbidly so and he's now in his mid-50s - but I think he looks pretty good now and I'm so proud of him for losing the weight and keeping it off. He's now an average-sized, healthy guy who can wear what he wants and look good.

It's a worry he's feeling weak as well as looking frail. I would be concerned he's lost too much muscle, aside from the visuals. There is something addictive about weightloss.

Surely, he needs to eat even when he isn’t hungry otherwise he will just waste away on the jabs?

I am imagining it and well the sky hasn’t fallen in? Can you elaborate?

@Coddledhaddock you could suggest a DEXA scan that looks at body composition and muscle mass. If he's feeling weak and frail then that's definitely not good and for his health he needs to think about overall fitness rather than just weight. Do you know what his BMI is now?

I've lost a large amount of weight using WLI and feel fit and strong. I don't look frail, elderly or have loads of sagging skin despite doing no weight training (lots of other exercise though).

Extreme weight loss is going to leave some excess skin . Does your DH feel it's a price worth paying for better health? Does the skin issue bother him?
Is his diet balanced and does he eat enough protein and do any resistance training? the appearance issue always sounds shallow but often their are health concerns too. I'd ask him how he feels about his appearance now and how he feels mentally and physically now he's lost such a great amount of weight.
As far as attractiveness is concerned ,people will criticise you as shallow but you feel how you feel.
What do you want to do about how you feel and what do you want him to do?

@Coddledhaddock “clearly not feeling better for it from what he’s said.”

he isn’t even feeling better?! oh dear. Between that and looking ill, I’d be quite concerned does he actually feel ill?

People’s tastes can change as they age but OPs taste hasn’t changed her DHs body has changed. I understand what that poster is saying about imagining if a man said this to a woman. Can you not imagine the comments that would be on this thread if it was a man saying he wasn’t attracted to his wife after she had a baby and was left with loose saggy skin that made her look double her age?

Well I disagree with those posters as well.

You cannot help who you are attracted to and you can love someone dearly but still find the changes in their appearance unattractive.

I fancy the pants off my DH but if he suddenly became morbidly obese and weighed 20 stone I would not find him attractive. I'd still adore him but I wouldnt want to have sex with him. That isnt some moral failing on my part - if it was, then we could force ourselves to find certain people sexy and clearly none of us can do that which is why attraction is so complex.

There is a difference between finding someone sexually a turn on and loving someone because you've shared a life with them

@Coddledhaddock, the skin issue may well not be permanent, you know. A few years ago a friend if mine lost several stones in a year and was left distraught at the resultant loose skin she had. By about 18 months later, the skin had sort of caught up with the fat loss to some degree, it had really improved and she felt so much better about it all. She wasn’t a young person either, she was mid 50s at the time and had been obese most of her adult life.

I think he need to speak to a GP or perhaps a registered dietician. Forgetting about looks completely a 45 year old man should not be feeling weak. He needs to cop on and think about his health, if he is 45 going around feeling weak like a frail old man at 45 where does he see himself at 55 or 65?

Im a very straightforward person and would have no problem saying this to my dh and I think you should sit him down and say something, not delicately, don't dance around it say it straight. You don't need to mention his looks, just talk about the future and all of the things that you want to do together but won't be able to if he's too feeble.

Jesus, you can't win on MN can you? She said she was happy while he was much bigger, it's the saggy skin that's weird for her. If someone changes massively physically, it's only fair to accept that might be a bit weird for their partner. Doesn't mean they love them less.

When anyone loses weight they need to do weight training and ensure they are still eating enough of the right foods (protein fibre etc).
Collagen, vitamins and other nutrients is all found in food so if your husband isn't eating enough or enough of a proper diet it is likely he is looking sickly. These jabs are great for losing fat but a lot of people just don't eat anywhere near enough of the right foods when on them. I do worry about long term implications (have family members that have been on them). I know people who are 18 stone eating one slice of toast when on the jabs - which is great for inital weight loss but no good nutrient wise.
He needs to be working out, building muscle and eating enough protein and fibre etc.
Super happy for him that he is feeling confident in his new weight, but long term he needs to look after his body by going to the gym and eating well etc.
We lose a lot of muscle mass as we age also so it's even more important he does this past 40.
Good luck on the rest of his journey X

If he's feeling weak/tired, get him down the GP's for a blood test. He may well have low iron/b12 because of not eating much. Hope he gets some strength back.

It could be that he's lost a load of muscle as well as fat - really WLIs should be accompanied by weight training to build up the muscle at the same time. This would vastly improve the look of the saggy skin, and get rid of the frail look.
Can you encourage him to build some muscle - that is as important for health as the weight loss, especially as we age.

Another good thing about srength training in this situation is that it should give him a healthier appetite (for proper, nutritious food)

And if he hasn't got the strength to pick up a few weights, that in itself is not healthy at all. Fat isn't the only way for a body to be unhealthy.

I don't want to scare anyone but I was teasing late DH about suddenly turning into an old man when he lost weight and started groaning getting out of a chair or bending to get something from the fridge.

Whilst he was on a bit of a health kick and aiming to lose weight, it turned out that the reason he was so successful was that he had cancer.

If he's not well he should see a doctor.

But has he lost weight healthy while having jabs? Sounda like he is on too higher dose if he isnt eating much.

Is he maintaining decent calorie intake and having all nutrients he needs?

Is he getting enough protein - min 1.2g per kg of body mass

Ideally he should be doing some weight bearing exercise to maintain muscle mass.

He could dd in supplements like collagen to help woth skin

I do wonder if we as society are going to see issues with bone related health issues etc from incorrect use of weight loss medication.

I wouldn't find that unreasonable, I'm losing weight and know I'll look different by the end.

Collagen does nothing for loose skin, it's just digested and broken down into its component parts like any other food. There is nothing that will make your body decide to take those component parts and build more of your own collagen, in the loose skin. It's just expensive extra protein.