DH body like an old man

[Coddledhaddock]

I kind of know I am BU but I also can’t help it.

Met my DH 20 years ago and he was chubby, but then over the years grew to be very much overweight. I never had an issue with this, still found him attractive etc, although he always did have an issue with his weight and the way he looked, so would try fad diets, gym memberships (although he paid monthly and rarely went), but nothing worked, he got bigger if anything.

For about 1.5 years now he’s been doing the weight loss jabs and has lost a whole heap of weight. He’s much happier with his current weight, but I can’t help but think his appearance now is just really unattractive. I know how bad that sounds, and facially he’s still attractive (just as good looking but much thinner and TBH looks quite ill)…it’s his body. I’m not exaggerating when I say he looks like an 80-90 year old man. He’s 45.
He’s got a lot of excess skin which is sagging and wrinkly, but then he’s also incredibly boney. From the neck down he really does look double his age.
As I say, he’s happy, and I’m pleased that he is, but (sorry TMI) having sex with him isn’t only weird because it’s like he’s a different person, but also I can’t help thinking it feels like I’m having sex with a very old man, and that just feels, well it’s not a nice thought TBH

I am very aware my body has changed over the years due to age, babies etc, so I know I probably am BU but obviously I can’t say these things I’m thinking to him or even out loud to anyone else, so I guess MN is just my sounding board this afternoon!

Absolutely not. You fell in love with someone and that someone was larger. He has lost weight but unfortunately whilst the weight has gone, his skin has not shrunk with the weight and he has excess skin. He has changed physically and mentally.

The familiarity of my husbands body is lovely and reassuring, I would know its him even in the dark. If he lost that weight it would feel unfamiliar. I get that.

I had a close friend for 30 years, she had always been unhappy with her nose, but I knew her face when we talked and that was (we'll call her) Claire. So at 45 she had a nose job, and she was euphoric. She was so proud and the confidence boost was impressive.

I really struggled as when I looked at her, it just wasn't her. She didn't feel familiar. It took me ages to adjust. I never said anything to her but it was weird. Years later her husband confessed he had felt the same (he had paid for her surgery to make her happier as she was self conscious). She was beautiful before, and she is still beautiful now but a more sanitised version and more classically good looking. But its just not her, her nose doesn't crinkle when she is about to laugh and her eyes look totally different. Weird is the word.

I know that is different from weight loss but its the familiarity that you built your relationship on, is the same issue.

Can you see round it OP? Its OK to feel that way, its a big change but is your relationship just physical, is there nothing more to it? At 45 you should be past the lusty stage (well unless you haven't been together long). Is there something you can build on and renew?

When I lost my weight, my friends said that it wasn't just the physical change they noticed, but the things they had assumed about me changed too. I was more confident and would do things I hadn't before yet they always failed to ask me when they were doing certain things because for years I had said no, yet now I was offended when they didn't ask me (spa's, swimming, skydiving) . Slinky dresses and nuclear dresses came out, I did salsa lessons and was a tad bit more sexy/dramatic with my moves. My weight had held me back previously but I hadn't always named my weight as the problem. Have the dynamics in the bedroom changed? Besides the way he feels, has his confidence changed and affected the status-quo?

Weightloss jabs are always a balance between metabolic health and connective tissue health (skin, muscle and bone), this will be the case more so for anyone who looses a lot and anyone middle age and upwards.

It is also a problem with the speed people loose. I have lost 5 stone myself and as an experienced HCP I've been horrified at the way the pharmacy's 'push' the dose increases. With my HCP hat on, if the drug is working why increase. I lost most my weight on 1.25mg mounjaro, then went to 2.5mg, then 5mg, went up to 7.5mg for about 2 weeks, thought "what the hell am I doing" dropped back down to 5mg, now maintaining on 4mg (I count clicks).

I'm now maintaining at BMI 24.5 after a collegue who lost a lot quickly had a fall with a patient at work and fractured her ribs. I may increase my dose again in a year or so and loose a bit more, but need to build my glutes back up (and probably other less noticebale muscles aswell) before even considering it. I know a GP whose the same and maintaining above BMI 25 as he realised in his sendentary job he was loosing all his muscle mass.

He is never going to replace the lost fat with muscle. Building muscle is very hard to do, takes years and there are genetic limits on how much you can build, the idea that you will turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger if you so much as look at a barbell is nonsense.

Better still, forget the jabs and lose weight naturally through a modest calorie deficit, combine with weight training to minimise muscle loss, and accept it will take months at best and more likely years. Too many people want instant results these days.

No, OP definitely isn't being unreasonable.

Has he reduced his dose down from his highest amount? He may want to stay on it if it helps with appetite regulation, but hardly eating anything isn't healthy. He needs to increase his calories from losing weight in order to maintain, and I believe it is likely better achieved back on a lower dose.

It does sound like he needs to weight train. Losing weight is great and can help a lot with many health conditions, but if he keeps losing, not eating and not exercising he will become frail as he will lose bone density and muscle volume as well. So be at risk of many other health issues.

Hopefully with that he will seem a bit less of an 'old man' which may very well be referring mostly to his excess skin but it feels to me more that you are worried about the frailness which can absolutely be improved. And if he can gain some muscle, feel stronger, get better posture and energy, even with the saggy skin he is likely to seem a lot less frail.

YABU to talk this way about your DH. But YANBU to say the weight loss jabs can make people look ill/old, they do as the padding goes leaving saggy grey skin. Just factual. I guess people choose which look they prefer.

It's also incredibly difficult to do in a calorie deficit, which is why bodybuilders bulk and then cut.

Tell him hes massively risking bone density loss so needs to get down the gym to lift weights so he doesnt suffer badly with osteoporosis as the years go by. Its really a critical thing to do.

I don't known if that's always the case.

I know a woman who's lost quite a bit on the jabs, over a sensible period of time. She's early 60s, so you'd think a prime candidate for looking old once the padding has gone. She looks great, really healthy and glowing.

Perhaps the 'over a sensible period of time' makes a difference!

I'd really encourage weight training. If you're interested, maybe you can do it together? It's good for both of you, anyway, but especially important when you lose a lot of weight quickly.

An anonymous place to vent, the replies would be the same. Fast weight loss does make a person look like a deflated balloon and does age them. The only people I haven't seen this happen to is those who hammered the weight training on top of the jabs, didn't lose muscle and the body slowly adapted.

Don't know what the answer is OP. He's going to live longer and a happy spouse is the most welcome thing I think.

To everyone saying they lost x stones and look fine, this isn’t about you. It’s about how OP feels.

I completely get it OP. It was me who lost weight in our relationship and I took it a bit too far. My partner told me I looked ill and I did eventually see it. I put a bit back on and my loose skin and saggy body looks better and I am now in the mid range of healthy BMI.

It does sound like he has taken it too far and if he’s barely eating that is a serious issue in itself. is he willing to cut down or stop?

You aren’t wrong for feeling how you feel.

I would feel the same OP but would probably feel terrible for the thoughts like you do but you're just being honest.

Has he noticed that you might be feeling a little turned off or said anything along those lines?

There's nothing you can do about this. He is healthier and happier. Shut your eyes. Turn the light off. That is all.

It’s to do with genetics, age and how much you have lost. I lost 6.5 stone and aside from loose skin at the top of my thighs/underarms - which i could actually address by some proper weight training - I’ve not had any issues.

If OPs DH has lost more, or much of it was situated in one area (tummy), then this will have been a factor and he might need to explore surgery for the loose skin (tummy tucks are very common after very significant weight-loss in people who gained it mainly around their middle). But he has to want to do it himself.

I have a friend who was a little bit chubby but sexy and cute - like lovely face. She looks awful on the jabs. Like a balloon that's been bouncing around under the table since a kids party 6 weeks ago... all deflated. Weird also - she looks grey. Like grey dead skin.

And has that happened, or still just a prediction?

This sort of reply makes me irritated.

@Coddledhaddock is describing someone who has lost so much weight then they look frail and feel weak. This is not healthy. And it’s not being shallow to say you’re not attracted to that.

Are you suggesting @TheAmberKoala that the OP grits her teeth through sex because it’s more important not to be shallow than it is to recognise that this major physical change has made him less attractive to her?

Such bollocks.

@Coddledhaddock many posters have pointed out the need for strength training with weights. And the fact he’s hardly eating means he’s not gettting the nutrition to sustain him. He needs to come off the jabs, start eating well and build some muscle otherwise he is going to age badly and that is a) a health risk and b) a risk to your mojo!

Still a prediction 😀

Solidarity as my partner did this without jabs yet same results. I miss the chub massively. It’s like he’s a different person.

Ridiculous! OP can leave her husband if she wants to. No one has to put up with a husband/ partner for life.

he’s probably lost a lot of muscle and ideally he’d go to the gym to rebuild. But realistically after being overweight for so long he’ll have saggy stretched skin.

OP, there's good reason to think tgat if he eats more and does some exercise, and also deals with any health problems, he will look miles better. Anyone would look awful who has hardly eaten for weeks or months. Try to get his gp involved as a starting point.