DH body like an old man

[Coddledhaddock]

I kind of know I am BU but I also can’t help it.

Met my DH 20 years ago and he was chubby, but then over the years grew to be very much overweight. I never had an issue with this, still found him attractive etc, although he always did have an issue with his weight and the way he looked, so would try fad diets, gym memberships (although he paid monthly and rarely went), but nothing worked, he got bigger if anything.

For about 1.5 years now he’s been doing the weight loss jabs and has lost a whole heap of weight. He’s much happier with his current weight, but I can’t help but think his appearance now is just really unattractive. I know how bad that sounds, and facially he’s still attractive (just as good looking but much thinner and TBH looks quite ill)…it’s his body. I’m not exaggerating when I say he looks like an 80-90 year old man. He’s 45.
He’s got a lot of excess skin which is sagging and wrinkly, but then he’s also incredibly boney. From the neck down he really does look double his age.
As I say, he’s happy, and I’m pleased that he is, but (sorry TMI) having sex with him isn’t only weird because it’s like he’s a different person, but also I can’t help thinking it feels like I’m having sex with a very old man, and that just feels, well it’s not a nice thought TBH

I am very aware my body has changed over the years due to age, babies etc, so I know I probably am BU but obviously I can’t say these things I’m thinking to him or even out loud to anyone else, so I guess MN is just my sounding board this afternoon!

I’ve suggested changing what he eats etc, but he’s barely ever hungry now so doesn’t eat much at all

Is his dose now too high? If he carries on like that he's going to keep losing.

I think he likes having lost all this weight even though not looking better for it IMO and clearly not feeling better for it from what he’s said.

That sounds like something akin to anorexia. Nothing like the same mechanism or motivation but the mindset of never being thin enough. How long does he plan to stay on the jabs?

How old are you OP? Any change peri hormones are messing with you a bit?

I have lost weight using WLI, not quickly though, but, I do look my age now. It’s more to do with having less padding in your face, the wrinkles are visible and because it hasn’t happened gradually over a period of several years the way people usually age it’s put down to the ‘jabs’ rather than I’m actually looking my age whereas I didn’t before.

WLI doesn’t always mean rapid weight loss, I’m so fed up of readying this

It sounds like he has lost too much weight. I can understand why you feel different about having sex with him.
There is a happy medium.

People would tell him hes being shallow.

DH has jabbed lost 25 kgs he won't stop the jabs because he thinks that the belly apron, vanished bum etc means he just has to lose more weight and the excess skin will vanish. I could scream sometimes.

I’m also 45, so yes the problem absolutely here of course must be me and my perimenopausal self.

Seriously, is he well?

OP I've lost over six stone through ill health and my body shape has changed.
It's taken a year for my shape to stabilize. One day I was puffy another stringy looking. I've not loss all my excess weight but I needed to build my strength and health back up first.
Sorry I missed his age, how old is he? I'm 60 so skin is different but I usually snap back from things.

My friends have been on WLJ and a few are having surgery. Can he afford that? If he's been overweight all his life he has done a good thing to get rid of the weight. A body tuck is about £10k. His is heart health good? If he's diabetic or with high blood pressure they won't do the surgery and for God's sake don't go abroad. My friend used Spire.

You said he was ‘very much overweight’. Assuming that means quite significantly obese, unfortunately any form of weight loss is likely to result in loose skin. Some of it is genetics but when you’ve spent a long time very overweight, and especially as you age, you will end up with loose skin. You can fill some of the space with increased muscle mass but there will still be quite a lot of loose skin left. If it’s very bad then he could get skin removal surgery if it bothers him (but this can be quite painful and quite a major ordeal).

If he really was so overweight, the fact he didn’t ‘look’ ill doesn’t mean he wasn’t unhealthy. The damage being done under the surface to his body was potentially quite significant.

If he’s at risk of developing an eating disorder or is underweight that’s a separate discussion. But someone losing a large amount of weight in their 40s is likely to be left with loose skin to varying degrees. It’s just one of things unfortunately. It’s likely he is far healthier than when he was very overweight.

If he’s frail at the age of 45 though then something isn’t right.

It sounds like your DH has got the weight off, which is stage 1 of the process, but he hasn't moved onto stage 2, which is changing the way he eats and understanding that he now needs to eat that way for the rest of his life. If you lose the weight, but don't make the dietary changes you won't really benefit long-term, unless you keep on with the jabs and just keep eating very little and that's actually not good for you, because you can become malnourished and lose all your muscle mass.

My DH completely changed the way he eats. He knows he needs to fill up on lean protein and get plenty of fibre. Hunger is his enemy, but feeding that hunger with salty, fatty, sugary snacks is the way back to ill health. I think some people WLIs as a quick fix and they are, but you have to do the work too if you want that loss to be permanent AND you want to have a healthy body for the rest of your life. You literally are what you eat, so you need to eat a healthy diet if you want to have a healthy body.

Wow and I bet you’re a REAL oil painting, OP! Imagine if a bloke came on here and moaned about his wife’s body…..

One reason I would be reluctant to have the jabs is that you would lose not only fat but also muscle, which is a significant part of the issue here, I think. There needs to be a lot of effort to build up muscle alongside the jabs.

We don't need to imagine and they don't need to come here to do it. Men pick apart women's bodies all the time, frequently after they've had their babies and within their hearing, and don't add any caveats or apologies.

I once lost over 50kg (before meeting my husband) and exercise and protein are helpful because they preserve muscle and may improve the appearance of loose skin, but they don't guarantee that excess skin will disappear.

Factors such as age, genetics, the amount of weight lost and how long someone was overweight all play a part. Some people are lucky and get very little loose skin, while others can lose the same amount of weight and be left with quite a lot. I was not lucky nor was I suitable for excess skin removal surgery due to an existing medical condition. For some people, surgery is the only way to remove significant excess skin but even then, then are never going to have a young buff body worthy of Baywatch - he has missed that boat.

@Coddledhaddock I know it doesn't help you, but your husband was unhappy in and out of his clothes before, now he is happy in them. You have no idea how liberating it is and what a boost to your self confidence.

But I do sympathise as my fella is a bigger man and is lovely to cuddle in bed and after so many years together if he lost the weight, whilst I would be happy for him, I would miss the way we feel together physically. I wouldn't love him any less but he feels very familiar and comfortable as he is now and I would miss that. He never knew the truly big me, but he accepts me as I am now, baggy bit included and there is something really anchoring in knowing you are loved, warts and all!

Imagine if posters didn’t come on here and use that as some kind of gotcha on every single thread. If you want to be on a platform that bigs up men all the time and worries about their feelings, there are thousands of them I’m sure…

The aesthetics aren't relevant here, OP. He feels weak and tired and these are symptoms which need to be checked out. He needs bloods to check for deficiencies and he needs to build strength, pretty urgently.

I would find this unattractive too. You can’t help how you feel. I wouldn’t find my husband attractive if he became overweight.

YANBU for finding him unattractive.

He is also unreasonable for not taking the measures you need to protect your health using the jabs. As soon as he comes off them, he will put on weight. He isn't learning how to give his body the right fuel, he isn't building muscle, he isn't doing this for health reasons. His eating is disordered, and when his appetite comes back so will the weight. I recently came off mounjaro. Feeling weak is a bad sign and he needs to see his GP. You have to mindfully eat around your reduced appetite. He is starving himself and it can have pretty nasty effects on your gallbladder, pancreas, kidneys... You also have to build muscle, to avoid losing it. Your body doesn't distinguish between fat and muscle when looking for fuel sources - his body is eating itself.

If he built muscle, his loose skin would hang better. But if you don't think he will, nothing will change. It takes about a year after massive weight loss for you to understand what your final, settled loose skin situation will be - it WILL bounce back a little bit. But again, if he's not looking after himself, that probs won't do much either.

If he isn't hungry but wants to do better, chia seeds in greek yoghurt is a good protein and fibre hit that doesn't feel like a big meal.

I know you're not looking for solutions regarding how you feel about him, so just hugs for that.

Mrs Hinch of Instagram lost a lot of weight, has had excess skin removed. But that's only part of the story. She also does a lot of keep fit stuff, weight training etc. mounjaro is only the first step.

It’s a difficult one as love is meant to go deeper than physical appearance but people would be lying if they said they didn’t care about their partners looks.

Weight is going to fluctuate but putting on or losing a large amount of weight in a short space of time is going to affect how attractive you find them because you don’t get used to it as easily.

I follow a guy who had gastric bypass surgery and he used to be a good looking man but now he looks truly awful. If he was my DH there’s no way I could find him attractive.

Obviously it’s tricky saying anything but I’d be trying to encourage DH to stop the jabs abs focusing on building muscle and not lose anymore weight.

I didn't want to scare you either. I was very big, bmi 43. I lost four stone over two years and then two stone in a few months. I had grown a large tumor. I was so fat you couldn't see it. I was barely able to get out of bed.
The prognosis wasn't good.
However I'm well now and as up thread my skin as gone back. I was grey and looked like death.

Get him to the doctor.

As I understand it, on these jabs you lose weight from losing both muscle AND fat. You don’t mainly shed fat like you do with healthier/less eating, or build any muscle as you can when you lose fat through exercise.

I think this is why people can look so unwell from the jabs.

If he can use his new energy to be active and healthy then he might get a healthy looking body back. But I hear that lots of people just regain when they stop the jabs :/

From what the OP has said, he doesn’t eat much because he doesn’t feel hungry on the WLI so that is probably explanation enough for his huge weight loss. He needs to be planning small, nutritious meals with enough calories otherwise it’s not surprising he feels weak and looks awful.

Overweight most of his life.
Loses weight quickly using drugs
Its like letting the air out of a balloon.

I lost 20+ kg a few years ago (Starting to put a little back on) and i did it slowly and replaced fat with muscle. Google body recomposition. It is so much healthier and doesnt actually entail as big a reduction in calories as straight out dieting. It does however need concentration on both eating and exercise at the same time which is hard.

This allows the fat to reduce gradually and the muscle to replace it without all that saggy skin. Not foolproof but definately more desireable than the burst balloon look