DH body like an old man

[Coddledhaddock]

I kind of know I am BU but I also can’t help it.

Met my DH 20 years ago and he was chubby, but then over the years grew to be very much overweight. I never had an issue with this, still found him attractive etc, although he always did have an issue with his weight and the way he looked, so would try fad diets, gym memberships (although he paid monthly and rarely went), but nothing worked, he got bigger if anything.

For about 1.5 years now he’s been doing the weight loss jabs and has lost a whole heap of weight. He’s much happier with his current weight, but I can’t help but think his appearance now is just really unattractive. I know how bad that sounds, and facially he’s still attractive (just as good looking but much thinner and TBH looks quite ill)…it’s his body. I’m not exaggerating when I say he looks like an 80-90 year old man. He’s 45.
He’s got a lot of excess skin which is sagging and wrinkly, but then he’s also incredibly boney. From the neck down he really does look double his age.
As I say, he’s happy, and I’m pleased that he is, but (sorry TMI) having sex with him isn’t only weird because it’s like he’s a different person, but also I can’t help thinking it feels like I’m having sex with a very old man, and that just feels, well it’s not a nice thought TBH

I am very aware my body has changed over the years due to age, babies etc, so I know I probably am BU but obviously I can’t say these things I’m thinking to him or even out loud to anyone else, so I guess MN is just my sounding board this afternoon!

This is an issue with losing weight so fast on the jabs. A friend asked me if another friend she hadn't seen for a while was ok and thought she was really ill. She wasn't ill but had lost loads of weight with the jabs. It has certainly made her look older. I don't know if it will improve over time but I'm staying overweight for now.

YABU, imagine if this was a man saying the same about his wife.

I think I predicted some time ago on here a slew of court cases against jab-companies for saggy flesh/mental health compensation 👍

My DP has lost some weight and I know what you mean about it feeling like a different person. It suits him and I'm quite enjoying new fit DP 😆 but it is like being with a different person.

So? People's tastes change with age and many factors can play a role in how one views their partner and how attractive they find them. And this happens irrespective of gender. OP has explained her reasons, so why is she unreasonable?

Would some muscles help you feel he was young, vigorous and healthy? ( as well as making him actually young, vigorous and healthy: strength training is really good for everyone).

You could go together, you may well find you love it (I do!)

Is he eating enough, and enough protein, to support health?

If he's bony it sounds like he might have lost too much? Though obviously the saggy skin is a common issue.

If his saggy skin is causing any medical problems, like constant chaffing, rubbing or infections, it would be worth him seeing his dr. The NHS do offer surgery IF it's deemed a serious health issue.
Otherwise, apart from funding surgery himself, there isn't much he can do.

Weights and healthy eating might help a bit.

Anyone might say it about anyone they are in a relationship with. A big change in weight is quite likely to affect how attractive a person's body is to their partner. So is a big change in age. OP is being perfectly respectful about it.

It's not about the jabs themselves though, it's about rapid and/or large amounts of weight loss however you do it. People who had lost a lot were having operations to remove excess skin before weight loss jabs existed.

I’ve lost 29kg in 12 months on WLI but have been doing strength training/weight lifting throughout and so the loose skin issue is minimal. If he’s not been weight training then he needs to get started asap, it really helps

Would you rather he’d stayed very overweight with all the potential health consequences of that?

I do get that it’s not attractive and ideally he wouldn’t have put all the weight on in the first place. But once he had, it’s a choice between saggy skin or staying very overweight. This way he’ll likely be around longer, healthier and able to do more, surely that’s better?

Agree with a pp that strength training would be a good idea - to fill out some of the skin and for bone health etc.

Well, at least now he will make it to be an old man and you can catch him up when you age!
You'll get used to him and him being happier must be attractive.

I look like shit after MJ too even though I only lost my 6 stone at 2 pounds a week.
Trouble is I couldn't exercise at the time as I was bed bound for a year and a half waiting for major orthopaedic surgery.
On MJ you HAVE to do weights as you go or you WILL end up looking awful.
It isn't too late - get him down to the gym asap. I've been going and already I'm starting to look much better.

To be fair anyone will look like this after a big weight loss if they don't do weights. MJ or natural weight loss.I did it before naturally 30 years ago and the same thing happened.

They say stuff like this about women all the time, and don't apologise for it at all. Frequently it's because she's had his baby. We are supposed to accept it because men are sexual and visual.

I completely get it @Coddledhaddock. Presumably you found him attractive when you first met and prefer men who carry a bit of weight. I do too. I find very thin men a complete turn off. My bloke has a friend who’s incredibly thin, he’s also a hugger and I hate it when he hugs me, it’s like holding a skeleton.

Weight training will prevent excess muscle loss but won't do anything to prevent loose skin if you are prone to it. That's down to genetics, age and any existing skin damage.

If the DH does get into weight training that will add some muscle under the loose skin which may improve the visual but it won't remove or shrink the loose skin. Time, a lot of time, may improve it to a degree, but surgery is the only way to remove it completely.

But all of that is up to the DH to decide for himself not the OP.

Is he feeling happier and healthier?

Does he want to do anything about his excess skin? Now would be a great time to build muscle but he’s likely to need encouragement and support which won’t come from his wife comparing his body to an 90 year old man’s.

Both join the gym, both eat well, both start running. Set a good example for your children instead of focusing on looks.

This is really ridiculous and echoes centuries pious abusive bullshit that was imposed on women - a version of "lie back and think of Britain."

Sex is like food - a matter of taste. His changes in him have impacted what she finds tasty. Simple as that.

There is no character flaw in the op in this matter. <<<bangs gravel>>>

YANBU - physical attraction isn't just something you can force yourself into, no matter how much you love the person. There's no reasoning with stuff like that.

As others have said, you need to do weight training alongside jabs to try to stop your body looking like you just deflated too fast.

Honestly I think any rapid weight loss causes loose skin. I got it when I lost a couple of stone fairly rapidly. Weight training helps, but the good news is that time helps too. My skin did just shrink back again over a year or so (and I'm in my 50s, so my skin isn't exactly elastic).

He seems quite happy about the weight loss, in that he’s never been this light before in his adult life. He has said though that he feels weak/not as strong as he used to. I’ve therefore been able to make gentle suggestions, hopefully without sounding critical. I’ve suggested changing what he eats etc, but he’s barely ever hungry now so doesn’t eat much at all. I’ve also suggested the gym to build up muscle if he’s worried about that, which he’s said is a good idea, but hasn’t done anything about it… I think that would end up being the same situation at when he was overweight, whereby he’d join a gym and pay for it but never actually go.

He can’t honestly feel healthy because as I say he looks like a frail old man, and he’s said about feeling weak, so I’ve suggested cutting down/stopping the injections, which again he’s said he will think about, but honestly I think he likes having lost all this weight even though not looking better for it IMO and clearly not feeling better for it from what he’s said.

To those PPs who have criticised me I do know I sound bad, which is why I’m saying it to a bunch of strangers on the internet and not to anyone IRL
It’s not that he has lost the weight, that’s a good thing, or even the excess skin I don’t think, it’s as I said, he really honestly if you saw him neck down you really would think he was a very elderly man!

How tall are you and how old are you @Ineedanewsofa as that will also affect the amount of loose skin?