To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

He’s 36!!! I thought you were going to say he was 22.
Move to the new place that suits your physical limitations and tell him he will have to either move or sell all his stuff.
Most people are married with kids at that age!

Wowser's I am Slightly gob smacked!
Living at home at 36 is quite the failure to launch
My son is 23, in final year at uni as Gap year etc
He has been told he can stay here next summer after uni but then its goodbye to his room as we want to move
The Wallington Hotel and Restaurant will be closing for business and only available as a brief Christmas pop up!
When he's not here his room is completely stripped with a bed and a desk (dismantled) chair and one small picture on the wall
He has one small box of bits and a folder stored in a high cupboard
These kids are hugely supported by M&D and now its time for us to do more of what suits us.

why would you let your son dictate where you live? He has left home, you are now free to do what you like - its ridiculous of him to ask you not to move so he doesn't have to pay for hotels

tell him to get a storage unit for his furniture and equipment and move to the flat of your dreams

My sister is in her late 40s and still has belongings at my Mum's house. She moved out 20 years ago! She refuses to take it away but hasn't looked at any of it since she moved out. She is a hoarder. She gets abusive when I ask her to remove it. My Mum is a soft touch and hates confrontation.

Don't let your son stop you from moving into the property that you would like. Otherwise you will be stuck there forever! Good luck!

@Yorkshirelass50 I'd probably tell my sister to wind her neck in too if she asked me to get my stuff out of someone else's house.

If he was early twenties I might consider what he says a little more, but at 36 it’s different. It’s lovely you’re all so close but you need to do what’s right for you. You’ve done the parenting and he’s well and truly an adult. I’d move and he should put his stuff in storage. He can get a taxi, bus or train home to his flat after nights out.

Well, I offered the comment on buying as comparative context and with the thought that it might be info that’s of interest to people on this thread. But hey, if you feel better now you’ve nit picked my pretty innocuous comment, we’re all good.

@PocketBattleship. My mum is severely disabled. My husband, brother and I are renovating her house so that she can downsize to a bungalow.

@Yorkshirelass50 Well, you left all that out of your previous post.

Your sister needs to move her stuff out, or honestly, I would skip it.

It baffles me why some people are so selfish when it comes to making like easier for their disabled/elderly parents. My SIL was the same. In the end, after years of telling her to move her things (mainly racks and racks of clothes), then repeated warnings that they were selling the house and needed the room clear for listing photos, FIL got the charity shop to come and pick the lot up. They had been asking her to move it all for almost two decades at that point.

If he's 36 he needs to stop acting like an overgrown teenager and move his stuff out

I would say you are moving and he can pay for storage

Another one here not voting. You gave several very good reasons to move to the flat. Take it while you can. Another flat like that may not be available in the future when you are in the situation where you have to move.

At 36 he is the UR one! If he was 20 I would try to keep a room for him as there’s a chance he might come back but at his age he should have flown the nest long ago. In your 60s and disabled you should only have to consider yourselves.

What am I reading? He’s 36 years old, this is ridiculous. I thought you were going to say he was 20 or something and had an undeveloped frontal lobe. Get the flat, tell him that is what you are doing and that he needs to get a bigger place for his things. Come on, he’s nearly middle aged!

A 36yo can pay for a storage locker, or have a clear-out, or crash on a friend’s sofa

I don't even think it's about his stuff, it's about you still having a room for him.
You had to basically force him to move out.
He wants to move back in.
He can't move in with you in a 1 bed, esp as it's over 55.
Doesn't care that your life would be much improved.
Only cares about being a wall away from mummy and daddy.
Move to your flat, those are like gold dust, especially they are council/HA

He is 36, time for him to grow up in my opinion, he needs to seel and get rid of his stuff

He’s 36!!! Get your stuff out my house, is exactly what you need to say to him.
you need to plan for your future and look after yourself, not an overgrown man child!

I think we might have to. It's mainly clothes/shoes/bags, books and souvenirs etc. She's even asked if she could keep some new things at my house. Umm no!

Sorry, what have I just read? You two ‘sharing’ the smaller bedroom while his stuff occupies the larger bedroom and annex? And he visits anytime he wants a night out ?

I can see why he is happy with this arrangement but … what are you thinking?

Give your head a wobble and just laugh when he objects. Goodness.

I voted YABU because you are allowing a fully grown man to dictate how you live

He isn't 18.

Tell him he can't carry on using yoy as a storage faculty. Give him a date to get his stuff out.

Move wherever you want

Cheeky bugger!

He’s 36!!
Move to the smaller flat and tell him to move his stuff.

It’s lovely you’re close and you’re a lovely mum clearly.

However at 36 it’s time for you to cut the apron strings and him to put his big boy pants on. He need to store or sell his things and sort out a crash pad when he goes out to town.

OMG I can't believe he has a room in his childhood home crammed with his stuff at age 36!

I'm the biggest proponent of your children always having a place in your home (and we haven't downsized so my kids still have their bedrooms) but seriously! He should have cleared that stuff out ages ago and you should have been able to use the room.

Tell him childhood is over, you are moving, here is the link to storage facilities, and he'll always be able to spend a night or so on the couch in your new place if he wants.

36 - I'm gobsmacked!