To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

This! He is being very selfish - at 36 he is a grown man - he can make changes that will also help you he just doesn’t want to!
I bet if it was a woman he would instantly say yes to changing things but as if is his parents he remains selfish and i considerate for you.
ask him to leave , in fact it will be better for him too - he will grow up.
hope you enjoy your new home,
best wishes

Not voting because neither is an option. The only option is for you to move and for him to get rid of all his stuff, pay for the storage, or find somewhere bigger to live.

Storage for a small flat's worth of contents is about £80 per month. He can pay that or get a bigger place. You need to move for your own sake. I know you love him but he is being unkind and frankly should be much more grown up about it at 36.

You can't sell a rented flat...

Her is 36 and still wants a room at the family home???

36! He needs to be an adult with space for his stuff. At that age it's normal to be independent, be married with children and even a mortgage. Except he's living like a 26 year old, with stuff at mum and dad's, a big TV and gym stuff, and an inconsiderate attitude.
I think given your circumstances I'd move.
Check what the ongoing service charges are for the flat, those over 55s places can be expensive.

I haven't read beyond the opening post, but he's a grown up and needs to start to take responsibility for himself and his choices. Don't put yourself in a worse position just because it is not convenient for him. You're not being selfish, you're making changes that your current situation needs.

Just to add to the unanimous voices here, no, the option I wanted to vote on wasn't there. I understand that your current home probably holds many memories, but to give up the opportunity to not only save money but have a place that is more accessible for you is crazy. As for his stuff - his responsibility. He sells it or moves it.

Move. Give him a month to downsize his belongings, same as you will be doing. Anything left he puts into, and pays for, storage.

Renters don't tend to pay service charges, it's included in the rent

I have YABU because you are unreasonable to even consider this. The move would be hugely beneficial for you and you should do it. It is much better to move to a new location and more accessible accommodation when you are still reasonably fit than to have to move in a crisis because your mobility has declined. He is 36, not 16 and needs to stand on his own two feet. Instead of paying you he could rent a larger flat.

It's his stuff. He chose to live somewhere with no room for it. He should either put it in storage, sell it or pay you rent for it. He would have to pay for putting it into storage.
In your place I wouldn't let him get away with it, especially the emotional blackmail of saying that it would be weird coming home and finding his things gone. He has moved out so his things should too. He is supposed to be adult.

Enjoy your lovely 1 bed flat.

I was fully expecting this to be an 18 year old you were pushing out the door. 36!!!

Tell him you are moving. If he doesn’t gather his things, they will be donated or binned appropriately.

Based on my own experience, terms can vary, but yes, generally correct in that renters of an over-55s flat will have the service charge included in the rent. If you buy a similar type of flat, they can be very difficult to sell on unless in an exceptionally popular development.

I voted that you are being unreasonable because I don't think you should ask for a contribution...you should move and he should store or sell his stuff. He is definitely old enough for him to do this - you and your husband need to enjoy your lives and your health. Please put yourselves first.

Take the flat if it's perfect for your needs. Your son is old enough to start housing his own possessions or dispose of them.

Buying a similar flat is irrelevant in this situation, they're renting.

This! Be careful of leases and service charges.

Sigh. They're renting.

He needs to stop being selfish and grow up. Longterm the new flat sounds a lot more sensible for you. You should take it and move whist you can.
You have done enough . 36 years is enough. Put yourselves first .

He's 36, not 21 and fresh out of uni trying to live in houseshares where there's simply not enough room for your stuff, but you can't afford your own place. If he doesn't have enough room for all his belongings he either finds a bigger place, pays for storage or he sells his stuff, you aren't a storage unit or a hotel for that matter. It's time he stood on his own 2 feet, only just moving out at 36 is pretty ridiculous even by today's standards!

Jesus Christ, 36!

He can move his stuff out. You are disabled stairs are only going to get harder for you. You also don’t need an extra room full of his stuff to keep cleaning.

I can’t believe he doesn’t see that, what a selfish man.

Move to the over 55s place. It will be so much easier to do that now than ten years down the line with worse mobility.

I voted you are being unreasonable because FFS he is 36! An adult that needs to adult. He needs to manage his own life and you need to live yours. You mention struggling with stairs, how selfish is your son that he is asking you not to move when clearly you need and want to. He needs to grow up!

This!!

Move to your dream flat! Your home is not his big yellow storage facility.

This ☝️ 💯
If he likes your flat so much he can rent it instead.

Tell him you are mmoving out and therefore your old place will be up for rent, so he can always move back into the family home and rent iit for himself!
Winner winner 😆 🤣 😂

@Collieflour