To ask DS to contribute

[Collieflour]

DS left home four months ago. He left almost all of his belongings here - all his furniture (including his bed, sofa, two wardrobes, huge TV etc all of which he bought himself), his exercise equipment, sports gear, most of his clothes... All he took was a couple of cases/boxes as he moved into a furnished studio and didn't have room for anything else.

We live in a 2 bed house currently. DS's room is the larger bedroom with a little annexe bit he used as his mini gym. He has a LOT of stuff in there.

DH and I have been offered the opportunity to downsize to a lovely 1 bed flat which would reduce our rent by almost £200pm. However DS has asked us not to move as he would have nowhere to keep his things and it would be 'weird' not being able to come home to his childhood home. He says he has no room for all his belongings so would have to store them which would cost him at least £150pm. Also he stays here roughly once a week after a night out - he moved semi-rurally to be near his work and we are in the centre of town, so it's handy for him after nights out when he can't get back to his. He says that he would have to pay for hotels if we moved (the place we are looking at is a good way out of town). He currently has no plans to move to a bigger place so keeping his stuff here, and him staying over, is an indefinite arrangement. He has a key and comes and goes as he pleases.

WIBU to ask him for something towards storing his stuff to offset the cost of the extra rent we currently pay? To be absolutely clear, the new flat we are looking at is absolutely beautiful and is specifically for over 55s, DH and I are both in our 60s and I am disabled so it would be a real help, not least because of the lack of stairs which I find more difficult as time goes on. It's not that we don't want to move and we're using DS as a means to pay towards our rent, we really do want to go. We also have friends close by the new place and it's closer to DH's work.

We wouldn't ask much - maybe £50 or £75 a month - just to offset what we pay a bit. Before DS left he was paying us about £200 a month towards food and his share of the bills, for reference. He is 36 and earns a decent enough wage so could afford it, and it would be less than he would have to spend on storage/hotels. We are actually a little bit better off each month since he left (he was a big eater and a fan of central heating!) so again to be clear we are not trying to make money from him by attempting to claw back some of his board money that we no longer have. I'd say we're about £50pm better off since he left.

I am torn because I feel bad asking him for money but we would love to move, and having him to all intents and purposes still living here part time - which we love, don't get me wrong, he is always very welcome - is stopping us doing that. And also costing us money which we don't have really, in the extra rent we're currently paying but could save if we moved.

YABU - I shouldn't ask my son for money for keeping his room as his own

YANBU - It's fair he should contribute as he sort-of still lives here, and if he wasn't we could downsize to somewhere more suitable and pay less ourselves

Fully expect that IABU because I feel as if I am but needs must!

Simply to concur with others - grab this lovely new property with both hands. Give your sone a deadline to sort his stuff and then just move. I hope you are very, very happy there.

Has he any plans to buy a property if he is on decent wage. He is 36 so he needs to put down more permanent roots. He can always sleep on the sofa in your new place on occasion. He might not have intending to be selfish. No stairs would be ideal for you. Give him 3 years subbing the rent before you move to a cost effective one bedroom. That’s plenty of time for him to work things out.

I think you need to move OP.
You get to prioritize your health. If he was 18 and just left home then I would be more inclined to agree with him. But he is a fully grown man.

I couldn't vote for either, same as a number of other people here. Please move. He's 36, not 21. You said he earns a good salary, he can sort his own stuff out. It can go in storage, he can get a bigger place, or he can sell it. If you insist on staying, take the bigger room!!

Don't inconvenience yourselves significantly to make his life a bit easier and cheaper. Sometimes people need a little push to get more independence, he will be fine. Prioritise yourselves.

He can ask the landlord to remove the furniture and move his own in at least

You need to move for your healths sake and it’s better to do it now while you’re healthier. Youve given him enough notice to deal with his stuff.
if you do stay put then charge him the full 150 as he’s keeping a room and home there- he gets the bonus of nights out accom.
if you do move you can get a sofa bed for his sleepovers.

Gosh as soon as I saw he was 36, he needs to sort he’s stuff out and you need to move. Sounds like the flat is a great option for you.

Thanks that's good to know. At least, if it increased the the landlord passed it on, they would be able to move easily without the trouble of selling. The ones locally have exit fees paid to the complex owners, so they really tie you in!

I agree it sounds like you need to move for your own health and finances. He is well into adulthood.

If he paid £150 for storage might be better off moving himself to a bigger place and actually using his own stuff?

It might be better for him to get rid of his excess stuff and rather than paying for storage but that's his decision.

He's 36. Tell him his stuff is going to have to go into storage

He is 36
Honestly I thought you were going to say he was 17 or 18. Bloody hell, give him your moving date and tell him all his stuff needs to be gone by then (he's not using it so really he could just sell or donate it) and if not, you'll be giving it away.

I actually cannot believe this is even a conversation and that your son is so ignorant at 36 that sleeping at Mummy's when he goes out drinking is more important to him than ensuring his ageing (sorry!) and disabled parent(s) are living in suitable accommodation. You need to future proof for yourself and DH because yiur son sure ain't going to be looking after ye unfortunately.

The retirement style housing sounds ideal for you and I wouldn't let the opportunity pass. You are both perfect age for downsizing now also.

I couldn't have put my thoughts any better than this!

You and your DH would be nuts not to make the move now and your DS would be extremely selfish to hold you back from that. Either he should sell the things he no longer needs or pay to put them in storage, looking to move to a bigger property himself should he feel he really needs to. No way should a child dictate how parents should spend their later years. My parents sold their property (our childhood house) and moved to the Bahamas once all 5 children had finished university. Not one of us felt they didn't have the right to do whatever they wanted. Your son is old enough to understand that too.

I can't believe you are asking permission to downsize when you are in bad health. Move. Please move. Is he going to move back in and take care of you when you are older? LOL. He might pop in to whine at you because you haven't dusted his big TV. Ridiculous. Love doesn't mean setting yourself on fire for a grown ass man who sounds a tad thoughless.

Tell him to grow up and take his own crap with him or it’s going to the tip before you move!! Why the f is a grown man getting the largest room of the house he doesn’t live in and doesn’t pay towards!!!!!!

Hear, hear.
Move, OP and don’t think twice.
DS is perfectly capable dealing with the things he is telling you are major stumbling blocks. At 36, his attitude is quite repellent.

(If he thought his selfish objections were legit enough to be voiced, then I think you and DH must toughen up and bolster your defences against his importuning, because this won’t be the last of it. A substantial ‘payoff’ demand is a strong possibility, whereas it’s he who owes you for years of storage, if it comes to that!)
EDIT: to be clear: no way is sorting out let alone paying for that storage once you move down to you. He has to take responsibility for the gear, or you get it collected by a dealer, if moving house is imminent.
So asking now whether DS should contribute, then yes, and with no apologies from you. He should pay for the whole.

You do not owe him the sacrifice of the many improvements this move would bring to your lives.
Move to your lovely new flat, and enjoy it without a single twinge of guilt.

He’s a 36 year old man telling his parents they can’t downsize because they need to keep his stuff?? Dear god I wish I could send my mum over to visit you op, to explain to him that he’s a grownup now and it’s disappointing he doesn’t recognise his parents are ageing and need accomodation that works for them, not him, and he can move his stuff in the next two weeks or you will dispose of it.
i cannot understand how this has happened.

Only just left home at 36? It's high time he discovered how the real world works. Storage units exist for a reason.

Yabu to ask him to contribute and consider staying put when you want to move. You should be telling him you are moving, it’s better for your disability and it’s saving you £200 a month. He’s got X amount of time to move his things. He is 36…. A full grown man!! He can sort the removal and storage of his things himself

This sentiment (as a general one, not yours specifically) contrasts very strongly with a lengthy thread yesterday wherein a woman was overwhelmingly and in tones of outrage told shemust sacrifice her present happiness on the altar of a 27-year old son’s needs.
I’m greatly relieved to see not everyone regards those well past the usual early
(-ish) 20s ‘manumission’ point as babes and sucklings for life, and their parents’ primary focus ditto.

@ApplesAreAmazing Sorry but they do in some of the over 55 places in the North and most other places that I have lived in, my elderly Aunt got caught on that one, so that is a bit of wise advice.

In retirement or over-55 developments, the service charge often covers shared facilities and communal areas, such as:
Laundry and drying rooms
Residents' lounges or social rooms
Gardens and grounds maintenance
Cleaning and lighting of communal hallways
Building insurance
Warden or manager services (where provided)
Lift maintenance
Repairs to shared areas

I’m 36.
married, 2 kids, flat, and my parents have just broken up, however that’s not relevant. I was not welcome to leave anything there at all when I moved out at 24.

the things he’s saying I Honeslty thought you were going to say he was 18-20.

hes 36. You need to do what’s best for you now. He’s more than an adult.

I’m sorry but your son is 36, it’s time for you to do what you would like to do. Which by your post you would like to move. So do that. Move. He is basically using you as a free storage facility. He either puts his stuff in storage OR sell it. I certainly wouldn’t be putting your dreams and desire to move that will benefit yourself for your 36 year old son’s preference. In all honestly however politely he asked I think he has been super cheeky to ask you not to move. It’s rather selfish and self centred (and a bit entitled) if I’m being 100% honest.

please move and do this for yourself x

No is a full sentence OP! Move.

Move! Your DS can pay for storage for his stuff.