Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

Couldn’t agree more. Context is everything. We all talk to our partners and relay things and share opinions that we may not otherwise say to the person in question. The context here is very important, it would take an awful lot for me to throw away a long friendship. It’s ok for her to have an opinion that differs from yours on your daughter and other things, but if course, it’s not ok if she was hurtful, mean or had an negative intention behind what she was saying.

Thanks for the details @NewGrandmummy . Clearly your friend's take on your family dynamic is not the same as yours, but since it works for you, her opinion isn't that relevant. Perhaps she feels taken for granted by her family and is projecting! Anyway, I hope your friendship dilemma resolves in one way or other.

It has got me thinking about things I've heard friends say about me, including that I am obsessed with my dog! I only think that my dog is extremely nice and I want her to be happy.

I would raise it with her and explain you were hurt to hear her comments once she thought the line had disconnected. Her response would determine whether I’d remain friends .

I can’t say I have read all messages, just your updates.

I think, for me, it would depend what was said? You never should have heard what was said between her and her husband. I have certain said things to my husband about friends/family which I wouldn’t want said to friends/family. Sometimes we say things bluntly to our husbands which we either don’t fully mean or haven’t explained properly. But you can’t unhear what was left on your voicemail. I do think, if you value the friendship, think you should speak to your friend about it and see if there is a way round it or give her a chance to apologise

It was unfortunate. I don't know what she has said. Sometimes we shouldn't hear people's private conversations. But, of course we can't unhear what we have heard.

I have a friend who is a bit disorganized and seems to stumble into situations that could have been avoided. I will be supportive on the phone to her but then may well turn to my husband and say "Well, she's done it again" or "These kids are off the rails".

But that exasperation and frustration comes from a position of love. It doesn't make the speaker two faced. These are private internal conversations with this person's most trusted confidant.

It may well be hurtful for you to hear what was not intended for you to hear.

One question:
If a pocket dial had captured an intimate exchange or indeed private and vulnerable exchange between husband and wife, would you have listened to that all the way through because you thought it was a voicenote for you?

This!

She is NOT your friend OP. She’s two faced. You need to tell her.
BTW, I misunderstood the voting and accidentally clicked YANBU but I do think you should tell her

I'd leave her a message that was just what she left on your phone playing. Then she can make the next move.

I really, really want to know how you can tell a voicemail has been left in error before you listen to it.

It's an act of self care to tell her at least some of what you know. I haven't read the full thread, but you deserve protecting and she should know that you're aware off how she's spoken about you and your child.

Do it gently if you must and if you need motivation, you are doing it for your child too. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's rotten. If she melts down, you can't do much about it. Get in there first and tell her that you feel too distressed to talk to her for the foreseeable future.

Tell her you know she's a two-faced twat.

I’d tell her. It’s not for you to manage her husband’s MH. I wouldn’t tolerate someone saying hurtful untrue things about my child.

Id ditch her, tell her why, and wouldnt care in the slightest how her DH would react. Not my problem.

She clearly doesnt like you very much really, so why youd want to ignore this is a mystery unless you dont have many other friends but even then, its better to have no friends than fake ones.

OP I had a similar experience a while back. After I ended the call my friend must have pocket dialled and it went to voicemail. I heard similar to you - much of it unjustified and the rest totally fixable had she just told me how she felt. There was really no going back from what was said but I confided in a very close friend for advice and she told me that other people in our social circle had said she had been bad mouthing me recently. My close friend had been deliberating for some time as to how to tell me but the phone call pre-emptied it.

Long story short I confronted her and she tried to deny it until I played her the voice mail. Suffice to say the friendship is now ended. Some things are just not fixable and once the trust is gone you don’t get it back.

Why on earth would you want to be friends with someone who speaks badly of you - and your daughter? Tell her and cut her off, surely?

I think it would depend on what they said and the intent behind it. I love my friends - but I have one who is paid a huge amount - is always on holidays etc, huge house and complains about money, and I have mentioned this to DH as in what is she like? She's spoiled etc. She's be cross but it is not meant spitefully.

I have moaned about my parents behind their backs.

One of my friends spoils her teen child and complains (for ages) how selfish they are. I have also vented to husband about her.

I care for my friends - but I think we all vent. I think it depends it if was spiteful or not.
But there are freenemies people who aren't your friends maybe she's one.

This. Have a bit more respect for yourself

I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago. After a very hurt couple of days I messaged my friend and told her I'd heard the conversation. She proceeded to try to gaslight me, trying to persuade me I hadn't heard quite right, or had misunderstood. Said she would be devastated to lose my friendship. I thought about how it would feel to try to pick up where we'd left off - then told her that I'd never be able to forget what I'd heard, I'd hear it every time I looked at her, so I was walking away.

Just tell her and talk it out. I moan about my friends who i love dearly to my husband. Its just idle chat. Dont let it end a friendship even if it was hurtful.

I think its extremely unfortunate you became party to a conversation never intended for your ears, between a husband and wife.
We all think things about other people that we'd never share with them to one extent or another, because humans don't always agree with, or like, everything other humans do.
Usually we keep these thoughts in our own head, occasionally we share them with our partners. But they are our private thoughts that we'd never raise to the person because overall we do like and value them.
So unless what you heard was so vicious or malicious you can't get past it, I'd be inclined to put it down to normal human behaviour. I'd not say anything as she can't turn the clock back, so what would it achieve?

How bizarre lying to her dh.

She sounds jealous. I couldn't be friends with someone who said negative untruths about my dcs.

I have heard examples of people not realising they have hung up and their conversations being recorded not just on the phone but to WhatsApp groups and I feel sorry for those this has happened to. People expressing views not about Indians but about their views which they allowed and then being berated for it. I think in our own houses we can say what we want and need that space. I am very careful when ending a call due to the potential that my phone has ended the call - not because I am saying something that is unpleasant but simply because it is my house and I don’t feel I should be censored in my own house. For that reason I would ignore it as that is what I would hope someone did for me if it was the other way around.

Ah she’s got a broken old lady filter then? Assuming she’s late 70s? That’s not an excuse but she’s making her judgements based on a different life experience…. I’d perhaps say “please be careful not to start talking about folk before hanging up… or pocket dialling”. She will be embarrassed but she should be!

I have a relative who did this about someone in the family and it soured the relationship a bit for a while but didn’t destroy it. The person saying the judgey stuff was in a bad place emotionally and probably trying to make themselves feel better by judging others.. that’s the only way I can compute it. But they are careful now. And I hang up on them very quickly! 🤣

This happened within my husbands famiy and sadly the rift was never resolved to the end of their lives. I think you should assess what you are feeling and what you want from the friendship going forward. Her needs and wants are secondary and I think I'd have to have it out with her.

I've been reading the book 'Let Them' and I have come away think that there are re probably few people who hasn't passed comments on the lives of people we are close to. I do wonder if you'd feel better if you challenged her point of view though.

Sounds like the first comment was an opinion and the secojd comment, about ypur daughter, was factually incorrect.

I don't know what i would do but I hope i could raise it with her.