Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

I'm not going to speculate, the OP hasn't elaborated on what was said.

Those aren't the kinda things they'd talk about after the phonecall though, are they? It's not gonna be minor annoyances, but the act itself shows deeper dislike to be criticising what OP has shared about her/DD. Friend obv was biting her tongue/being two-faced through the call and is venting to her DH about what she really thinks. That's not going to be on the level of forgotten birthday cards.

Well I would have the conversation with her next time you talk its then with her, I did something equally bad some many years ago after having a few drinks in another persons company, and having taken a brief call thought I have terminated the same only for her to tell me a week or so later in person with her hubby I had referred to her as like a lump of gristle physically with another rude comment .... I could only sit there are take the serious reprimand it was stupid of myself and only in part true , we moved on and still friends !

I think this is actually the best idea. Send it to her so she can experience how it sounds and the impact on you. If she gets defensive, ditch her. If she's mortified and massively backpedals, then there's maybe some hope for the friendship.

We don't know, because OP hasn't said.
In fact, OP seems to have lost interest a long time ago, and now we're just discussing the subject more generally.

However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful.

I would send a text writing out what she said, then add that she doesn't have to tell you to your face as you heard the conversation she had with her DH about you.

I would tell her, oh you seem to have accidentally sent me your discussion with your hubby after the call. Here it is. Send it back and lave it at that.

Out if nosiness; what was it she would never tell you? And what derogatory things about you didnt she say

Cut her off, if she asks why? Tell her and then tell her to get fucked. Life is way too short to be having negative people in it. Her husbands mental health is not your problem and don’t let it cloud your judgement. If I heard anyone bad mouthing my kids I would cut them off quicker than they could realise.

We all have inner thoughts we wouldn't voice to friends (usually to spare their feelings), no matter how close you may be. I'd ignore the voicemail, unless she said something that you feel there is no coming back from.

She said it included various derogatory comments about her and her family that were too hurtful for the friend to ever tell her, so we do know it's not forgotten birthday cards. Am also not of the belief that OPs should stay on the thread all day. Most people have work to do, like I should be doing when I get around to it.

This.

Good friends do not speak about each other like this. She is not a genuine friend.

Sounds like she needs you more than you need her as you do the travelling to meet etc.

I couldn't get past a friend being so two faced. To chat to you then criticise you and your dd immediately after? Nope.

Just be clear and honest. 'I heard what you said about me to your dh, I'm hurt and shocked so won't be in touch anymore'. That's it. People like her need to learn how to treat people.

This. Send the message she sent you.
Let her hear herself talk and realise what she sounds like and let her understand how hurtful it would be like to hear a message like that.

Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.
If she makes a genuine apology.. I might still be civil and in contact ( but the trust would be gone)
If she tries to bluster her way out of it..that would be it for me.

You shouldn't sweep this under the carpet. It would eat away at you.
She doesn't have to say anything to her DH if it would upset him, that is her responsibility to judge that, not yours. She needs to know how offensive this was.

Sorry you had to hear all that. I had a friend who became increasingly judgemental and critical on the most ridiculous things and I realised one day when she was gossipping about a mutual friend and judging them in what I knew for a fact was a very unfair way, it tipped me off that she was probably doing the same to me. Turns out I was right. There had been some good things about the friendship initially, but she didn't like it one bit when I was less forthcoming and it all became too much in the end. I don't miss it. There are some people you shouldn't overly confide in.

This. Friends are allowed to have private views about your behaviour/life etc- what matters is whether they are held with affection and care.

OK!

Ignore but step back, reduce the phone calls and cut them short and be unavailable for visits. Gently drop her, she can wonder why. No reason for you to be honest to her when she has clearly not been honest to you.

Or just a clean break don't ring don't answer calls and don't visit, if you don't talk to her you don't need to worry about not being totally honest.

I'm so sorry - it is awful when someone you are close to is actually not who you thought they were.
I think you have to protect yourself / your time and energy and I don't think you can do this by carrying on as if nothing has happened.
I would try to be honest and say your feelings are hurt and you need some space . Good luck! Xx

I think it depends on how derogatory her comments were. None of us are perfect and most of us (and our children) will sometimes be annoying to others, even our friends and family. I am not surprised that most people would occasionally discuss those annoyances with their spouse, as a vent to get them off their chest without affecting the valued friendship itself.

But either way...you DID hear these comments, and there's no pretending you didn't or wiping them from your mind, it's obviously hurtful. I think I would basically be choosing between telling her I heard and being prepared for the friendship to basically end, or not saying anything but taking a significant step back from it. Depending on how harsh/hurtful the comments were.

Not lost interest at all - I work full-time and want to read all the replies before commenting, so that my response is considered rather than knee-jerk.

Send her a recording of the VM. No need to say anything, that will do it for you. Don't people please and maintain this false friendship for the sake of someone else. You deserve better.

Last week I heard my not so DM say something derogatory about me to my dad as she put the phone down. I am so hurt by her saying that-especially as I was travelling over to sort stuff out for them. I can’t get it out of my head. And that is for family. With a friend I would have to say what had happened. It has altered your friendship whatever you do at this point as your trust and view of your friendship is now broken.

Perfect reply.

No I would not say anything, she was in her own home、 she is free to say what she wants in her own home. The problem is with the phone and tv fact she didn’t hang up properly. We all say things in our own home that we wouldn’t say elsewhere

Gosh! Thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to respond.

My instinct is (haven't had time to count!) that the majority view is that I should cut her off (using a variety of methods), followed by a (probably) similar number of people who think either that I should either let it go (albeit being wary in future) or ignore it altogether and carry on as usual.

Quite a few perceptive comments too, about me putting more into this friendship than the other person, although I'm aware that when we lived in the same village she probably did more for me than I for her (practically as well as emotionally), so I'm trying to be aware of that balance. She is more than a decade older than me (and I'm nearer to 70 than 60!) so she does have good reason to let me do the travelling.

In terms of what was said, it really wasn't so bad in the scheme of things, but it still surprised me. Without going into huge details, she suggested that my family takes me for a ride and is dysfunctional (really not true - I choose to help them out wherever I can as I think that's part of the role of a parent and they are all well, happy and employed) and that my daughter has been a failure in her chosen career (also not true at all) whereas the facts say the opposite, to the extent that she's a higher rate tax payer (not boasting in the least - just giving context).

Lots of food for thought re how to proceed so again, thank you all.

I don't think you should be prioritising how she and her husband respond to the fact that she accidentally hurt you