Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

Hi friend, just to let you know why I won’t be in touch for a while.
I heard your accidental voice mail yesterday right after our call finished, in which you made derogatory comments to Mike about me and my daughter. I was shocked and hurt to hear your words which I can’t help but see as a betrayal. I thought we had an honest friendship with trust, but it seems not.
I need time to process what you said so I’ll be in touch when I feel like talking again.

I think most of us have said unkind things at one point about a friend or a family member and we would be absolutely mortified if we knew they heard. It's human nature (well it is in Northern Ireland - we love a good gossip). My mum always used to say, people who listen behind closed doors seldom hear anything good about themselves. I think I would let her know what you've heard and if she is genuinely sorry and apologies then try to move on. Life is too short for bad feeling if it's worth repairing.

Two observations:

it's a rare husband who is really invested in his wife's friendships

it's a rare parent who is capable of being objective about her own children.

For me it would depend on how derogatory the remarks were and how they were delivered.

One thing is a friend telling their husband about whatever drama is going on as general conversation and making one remark or another (ie “I think her family takes her for a ride”), another very different thing would be something like “god I’m sick of listening to her go on about her loser of a daughter, they’re all a bunch of useless twats, it’s a shame I feel like I still have to keep in touch to be nice”.

The thing that strikes me about the situation is that you are now aware that your friendship is not what you thought it was, and I can't imagine that it wouldn't change the dynamic - certainly from your perspective. If you were able to continue with the friendship, do you honestly think you could simply forget about the comments and act as normal? If not, then surely it's just a matter of time before she notices your behaviour change - and then you'll have to deal with that.

Personally I could get over the comment about being taken for a ride by my family as that could be looked at as concern. I would struggle to forgive the comments about my daughter though and would speak to her - if a profuse apology was forthcoming, I'd probably let it go, otherwise that would be the end of the friendship for me.

Fwiw her opinions on your loved ones are much milder than I was imagining, and I think they are forgivable. She's your friend, it's sort of her job to stand in your corner. I have a friend whom I love dearly but she is is married to a man who treats her awfully. My opinion of (what I see of) his behaviour does not make me an unworthy friend to her, I believe. Yes it's your daughter rather than your husband but there could be a similar dynamic here.

I think the idea that you would be affecting her husband's MH by mentioning it is classic catastrophing. I don't mean to be dismissive, but I have 2 autistic teens/young adults and I see this a lot that they get far too many steps ahead in their chain of thinking. Even if a single step or two in the chain is plausible, the chain taken as a whole is wild speculation and anyway far outside your responsibility.

I second this.

Of course tell her you know. She'll be mortified, and she deserves to be!

I’d send her the recording

"How I’d play it is to tell her that you had a voicemail from her immediately after the call this week. Let her work it out for herself."

@NewGrandmummy
@LoveHeartsFan
Sorry, but I think this is a little vague. She may not realize what you heard. Maybe instead, you could say "I had a voicemail from you immediately after our call this week- you must have pocket-dialed. You seemed to be having a discussion with your DH about me and my family. Is there anything you'd like to say that might explain what I heard? If she says there's nothing or ignores the question, I'd tell her I needed some time to think about what she said and how that affects your relationship.

Was she immediately slagging you off? It must have been immediately obvious it wasn’t an intentional voicemail?

You are technically eavesdropping (in my view) if you are listening to a conversation without the speakers knowing.

Eavesdropping is a deliberate act. You could argue the OP didn't have to listen to the whole voice note but you'd be a much stronger person than me to resist!

Its happened a couple of times over the years. And its happened to friends who leave voicemails in error (older people). And it may have happened to any one of us without us even knowing! Its like getting a letter not meant for you. Why read the whole thing?

Once the OP knew the voicemessage wasnt meant to be for her (which would have been clear quickly) then to carry on listening is intentional. Of course its eavesdropping. And you can do it or not obviously. But eavesdroppers never hear good about themselves and this is what has happened. Obvs up to the Op what to do now.

This is nonsense.

As soon as you hear its not for you why listen? Pretty obvious if the friend is addressing her conversation to her husband id say? First few seconds should do it.

No but whatsapp voicemessage has happened to people fairly often that I know (older people on group chats which is excruciating). Plus my name begins with an A so yes it happens a fair bit over the years! And yes I have therefore needed to develop a policy of not listening in to conversations.

Yes thats what I would think. Once the OP knows shes listening in, hang up.

Its the very definition of eavesdropping.

In terms of what was said, it really wasn't so bad in the scheme of things, but it still surprised me. Without going into huge details, she suggested that my family takes me for a ride and is dysfunctional (really not true - I choose to help them out wherever I can as I think that's part of the role of a parent and they are all well, happy and employed) and that my daughter has been a failure in her chosen career (also not true at all)

That’s not that bad.

I don’t think it’s relationship ending worthy if she’s otherwise lovely.

You could scale back the visits to once a year, saying you are getting older and more tired.

You think eavesdropping is listening to a voicemail left on your own phone. I can't help you.

Listening to a voicemail left on your phone intentionally is not eavesdropping. Listening to a message on your phone not intended for you but that you didn't realise quickly wasnt for you isn't eavesdropping.

Listening to a voicemail when you realise it has been left by mistake and wasn't intended for your ears, without leavers knowledge or consent is eavesdropping.

Almost the same thing happened to me a decade ago now with a friend who I’d been close with for 15 years (we met at ante natal classes with our oldest).

We invited her and her 2 children (then young teens to join me and my DH and our 3 children for Easter Sunday lunch.

When she got home she phoned to thank me and the message went to voicemail. She obviously thought she had hung up, but it carried on recording and I heard her talking to her oldest daughter about us; how my husband had put on weight, how my food was nice but I always did the same things, how I fussed over the table settings, how our youngest was young for his age, how I indulged the children - it wasn’t anything awful, but the tone was bitchy and it was hurtful and very unexpected.

I never mentioned it to her. But I didn’t feel quite so comfortable being myself around her after. We are still in touch and see each other a couple of times a year but the relationship definitely cooled after that. Shortly after that my oldest daughter developed life threatening anorexia. But for the overheard conversation I would have probably confided in her rather more. But I kept her at a bit of a distance.

It is far too late now, but on balance I wish I had mentioned it to her in a fairly low key way and cleared the air.

This is precisely the reason I strive not to say anything gossipy or bad about any person. It will inevitably bite one on the butt at some point.

It depends what you want from the friendship. You could just tell her. Not accusing or blaming, just stating the facts. You dont have to be mean and make her emotional, but saying something will likely keep your self respect.

Would cutting her loose or pretending it didnt happen make you feel okay with yourself and her?

Remenber we all have opinions and beliefs and most people say then to partners. It doesnt mean she thinks badly of you. Also, even if she does think badly...so what? People are entitled to their views. Pretending one doesnt judge others is nonsensr we all do it from time to time.

Personally I would feel compassion for her. Nobody wants to upset friends and she will make her own life unhappy long term.