Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

I think there is a lot of sense in this.

I'd also take into consideration and give her the benefit of the doubt, if she was normally kind and reciprocal... Have you previously thought of her as fair minded.

But I guess it depends on what was said, how hurtful or dismissive it was and whether there was any truth in it. or if it was completely unfair. and how she talks to you about other friends too.

I could get over the comments of your family taking advantage of you yada yada, but the unkind remarks about my children would not be acceptable at all, particularly as you say they are untrue.

Listeners never hear anything good about themselves. Seems like there's some truth there

It depends on what she said. Are you sure you’re not over-reacting? If you’re really mortified at what she said I’d send her a message saying so and saying how hurt you are after such a long friendship. See what she says in reply and take it from there.

@NewGrandmummy It sounds like a very one-sided friendship with her.
I think I'd feel pretty betrayed by her really, and there's no way back as you can't unhear what she said
I wouldn't put any more effort in to visit someone so two-faced. Not sure if I'd even bother to answer the phone really - that's an hour a week you could spend on yourself rather than being her therapist.
Her husbands mental health is not your responsibility.
💐

No, it doesn't.

Good advice @honeylulu. I also agree with @JoSFry that there's too much co-dependency here and you're certainly not responsible for her DH's MH in any way, that's ridiculous. Adults are responsible for their own MH.

Record her voicemail, then send it back to her voicemail. Let her decide what to do

Some of these replies are just urging you into drama.
even the best of friends will say things directly after a long conversation.
it’s a debrief.
she may be a two faced bint or she may be a good mate who was showing off a bit to her husband and would be horrified to have hurt you.

only you can decide.
there doesn’t need to be an Eastenders style reveal.
she will know she left you a voicemail. It will show on her phone that she was still connected.

you are autistic, playing mind games isn’t your style.
leave it for a while. She may contact you. See how you feel when your next call is due.

This is really awful, and you must feel extremely hurt.

I am a believer in always telling the truth, which may sometimes get me into hot waters, I know, but I would let her know what you heard her say, it can't be undone now. Give her the opportunity to redeem herself and apologise. I don't see how the friendship can continue in any other way, and you obviously hold her in fairly high regard.

Oh dear, how hurtful. I think she sounds jealous and was putting you down to her husband to make herself feel better, sadly I've seen this before. This might be caused by the fact you know all her secrets too, she may regret this and therefore if you say anything she's painted you in a bad light.
You can fade out of her life and know you have done nothing to deserve this, but you could also say that you heard what she said and you're very hurt and you don't want to see her again. The friendship sounds like you give a lot and she takes and complains about you. I don't think I'd put any more effort into this friendship, concentrate on your family. Don't feel guilty because she and her husband have health issues, you are allowed to walk away.

I sometimes feel a bit cross with my sisters family after we have had a long chat. When she tells me various things that have happened, I often feel that her adult kids take the micky a bit and rely on her too much I have also said this to my husband. It comes from a place of love though, I just don't like to think of her being taken advantage of. Really I love my niece and nephew. Perhaps tell your friend you have heard what she said and then let it go.

I wouldn't tell her, I'd just fade out.

Sorry. This sounds very hurtful.

It sounds like gossip might be her capital with her husband. They might find it mutually entertaining. But I wonder whether it will be worth discussing with her and setting her straight politely/ thoughtfully. I bet she’ll get it and it might improve your relationship.

Agree 100 per cent

I would send her the voicemail...

I’d record it to a voice note and send it back to her,

I think it is very difficult to "read" the tone of what was said precisely without being there and having the backdrop of your friendship.

As you will have seen, plenty of people on here will have made offhand comments to their partner that they feel a friend, who they love dearly, is being taken advantage of by their family. And there is a world of difference between, for example, saying your daughter is a failure and saying she hasn't done as well as you or friend expected in a particular career.

I think only you can decide whether this is something you can get past. It sounds as though you do a lot for your friend, but also that you have a lot of shared history. You mention that she is in her late 70s. She may be lonely and isolated. That does not, of course, mean you have to put up with a relationship from which you get nothing, or not enough, and there is absolutely no obligation on you to sort this out if you don't want to.

If you do want to see if the friendship can be salvaged, I think you have to tell your friend what you heard. I wouldn't just send the voicemail, I'd face it squarely and say that you believe she accidentally recorded a private conversation with her husband in which she said a number of things that she acknowledged to her husband would be hurtful if you heard them. You have now heard them and can't unhear them. You would like to have an honest conversation with her about why she thinks those things.

@NewGrandmummy - all I can suggest is that you do what feels best for YOU.

Do you feel that she is fundamentally decent and what she said does not truly reflect her feelings for you?

Does she add more to your life than she imposes on you?

Would you be bereft if she was no longer in your life?

Maybe take a big breath, take a step back, reduce and/or cool contact for the time being, and see how things go?

honestly, more fool you for listening. We all say things to our closest people that we might not say to others. It’s (meant to be) the one safe space.

I would never have listened to it when I realised as no good can come from it, as you’ve seen.

So sorry, OP. The conversation had drifted away from your original post into generalities into what would be a deal breaker and what would not.

I have a good friend who I think does too much for her adult children and I say as much to my DH. I feel her family take advantage of her but I would never criticise them to her. Your update on what your friend said sounds a bit like that.

You don't have to protect this couple from themselves. They're adults. I'd have to tell her at least some version of the truth—that she accidentally sent you a recording of their conversation, you heard it and were hurt. Then go from there. If you know you can't hide the truth and she's certain to ask what's wrong, there's really no other choice I can see.

I'd send her a copy of the voicemail with no explaination.

Can you say what was actually said ?