Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Some of the posts and the attitudes towards her son are callous

One person suggesting that someone living in shared accommodation and daring to have a car is living beyond their means and is doubly financially irresponsible because of not having a reasonable emergency fund 😑

Completely oblivious to the fact that shared housing is not a lifestyle choice for extravagant spenders, but validating their spite by hanging it all on the fact the guy has a slightly disproportionate £50 month phone contract.. can't wait to put the boot in.

People enjoy taking a day trip down the lanes of misfortunes of others from the safety of their keyboard - aka Schadenfraude for spineless shit bags

Finally someone treating this marriage with the gravity it deserves. It's everything to OP, and her daughter.

Sorry, probably not what you want to hear, but if I was in the same position you find yourself in, I can categorically say, there is no way I wouldn't offer a roof over my sons head. Your son may be an adult, but he has fallen on hard times. Ask yourself, would you be happy to see him sleeping rough on the streets? if you still have to think about the answer, then I would suggest that you are not a great mother!

I’d say the callousness is toward the OP and her DH and their disabled 4 year old. Lots of vitriolic misogyny about how the OP shouldn’t have had another child and should always be there for her adult son.
This is a grown man who we are told lives in filth, doesn’t like rules, will expect meals to be cooked for him, is rude, has been fired due to his behaviour, has high insurance because he has points for various traffic offences and his own grandparents don’t even want to help him out. But yet of everyone in this scenario, he attracts the most sympathy and people even suggest that a disabled little girl be chucked out of her room so that this man can have it. It’s completely mind boggling and no wonder there are so many utterly incompetent men about. Meanwhile the actually responsible man in the scenario, the OP’s husband who works all hours to support them is called an abuser because he doesn’t jump at the chance to share his small living space with this man.

Can't believe the amount of people saying not to help him.
Luckily I've never needed it, but at 42, I know that if anything happened, my parents would take me back in a heart beat.

It would be a very sad thing for your son to watch you with your new family and not offer to let him stay on your sofa. Would your new husband honestly not want to help him?

You have no space?

move round the bedrooms and make your smallest child share with his oldest brother.

make it work!

Honestly things like this really annoy me. He’s an adult yes, but he’s literally going to end up homeless!!

You have had a lot of answers... I think it is a family problem to solve, pooling resources seems like a sensible idea and it you all adopt this approach, it might seem less like your partner needs to shoulder all of the burden. You assign opinions to him and expect this could break your marriage, but what if all three adults worked together to find a way forward?

If you have a driveway; consider buying a cheap old caravan. We did this during lockdown when university closed and everyone came home! It worked well as an additional bedroom for some months and when we sold it we got what we originally paid for it

Move the bedrooms around? There are only two bedrooms 🙄 The child is a 4 year old disabled girl. So she should be made to share her space with her 27 year old half brother? What planet do you live on?

Why do you think I believe the media? I know people on benefits aren’t rich and people wouldn’t be better off not working despite people spouting that nonsense, I was just surprised that we give non-working people who might just be temporarily struggling less than half of what we give pensioners (without means testing).

Insane really, I’m not saying get an easy ride for people without a job, but that isn’t enough to get by

Jesus fuck off with the judgement and the implication that the OP is to blame for her child’s disability. It’s really beyond disgusting. She has done nothing wrong. Her son is an adult and her responsibility to house him ended years ago.

Just put him up until he finds another job.
He sounds like hes good for it and will get another job. He has a car so could do cash in hand takeaway deliveries to support himself.
He was your son before you had your husband and your daughter. Dont see him on the street becauee 'poor husband' works.

A car is a luxury, and an expensive phone contract is a luxury. He needs to have a little look round and see if there are any cheaper house shares he can move to. He needs to look for work, on a public transport route, or work from home. One of the only positive things to come from Covid is that work from home roles are more common than ever now.

Also get him to take a look at side hustles, surveys, paid games etc. Ok, so they're not a wage - but they can certainly bring a little bit extra in, which is good when you're on the bones of your arse.

He can't move in with you - but could you perhaps afford to help a little bit financially for a couple of months? Even if he owes you the money.

It's a great time to look for seasonal work now. Try Royal Mail and supermarkets.

Wtf? I will tell you who has made unwise decisions in this scenario and that is the son who was fired (not made redundant, fired) because apparently being polite to people is beyond him. The one who took out a £50 a month phone contract and has extortionate insurance because he has points on his licence. The OP was fine and she and her DH are managing. She isn’t responsible for her adult son anymore. Thats not how the world works where you can just run home to mummy when life gets hard (and where mummy is labelled irresponsible because she dares to have a subsequent family after getting pregnant at 19 but you can be 27 and a permanent victim whose needs trump your disabled little half sister).

Oh and I know plenty of disabled children who were born to younger mothers so it’s disgusting to say that the OP’s age is the reason her DD is disabled. You have no idea whether that is true.

It's a little girl. She is his step sister - not his brother.

If the house is local authority housing, if the daughter was 10 years old, sharing her bedroom with a 27 year old male sibling would be considered overcrowding.

I agree, but that doesn't stop it being bloody hard to swallow as a young person whose serious relationship ended and then was made redundant.

He lost his job, he was not made redundant.

What really comes across in OPs posts is that she really, really doesn't want her son living with her anymore. I think she needs to find her courage to say no and to tell him the reasons why. Better that he knows her feelings now instead of flogging a dead horse. He will need help, not as much as the disabled DD but he does need help that won't be forthcoming from OP and his stepdad. Perhaps she can ask her well off parents to divert cash from her to the grandchild that doesn't have the support right now.

He was fired. The OP has implied it was due to his behaviour, which she attributes to ADHD.

What do you mean by "it's different when it's a poor helpless man"?

It does sound tight and horribly difficult but if he does move in I think you should approach it as him being another adult contributing to the pot rather than you and DH supporting him. With £400 a month he could give you half of that towards rent. It would still be way cheaper than a £600 room. My eldest pays way less than that in a decent student house with the whole city at her feet, so (a) have you checked he is right about the rental prices and (b) he really should consider a move for his next job. It could make the car less essential too which would really help him to make ends meet.

Loads of people have said it but £50 a month for his phone has to change. I spend £8 on Giffgaff with a 5 year old phone.