Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Back then we didn't know much about ADHD, especially not that it's genetic. You do know that.

No, they are willing to help you. You aren't willing to help your son.

You are going around in circles here. Whatever anyone has suggested, you.have come up with a counter argument. I suggest you stop wasting time here and go with your son to the local housing office. You may well have a social worker for your daughter - ask them whether they know of any housing associations that may help. No good staying on Mumsnet - nothing will be resolved here.

Hes not taking financial responsibility for your son. Your son will have benefits to feed himself etc You just don't want to offer your son even temporary accommodation. He could sleep on bunk beds with his brother as a temp measure then youve still got you lounge space
Every suggestion...and a lot of them.very useful and sensible you've just said no to. You have no intention of helping him.
I would never in any circumstances turn a child away
My aunt and uncle live in 1 bedroomed very small flat. They currently have their daughter and their daughters 10 year old...their grandchild..staying. Unfortunate circumstances like your son
But its til things get sorted out. That's parental love and protection for you .

How do you come to that conclusion? My parents have money, we don’t.
He is moving in even though there is no room and we don’t have the funds to keep him.

I don’t understand how he can’t feed himself with his benefits. Is he refusing to pay for food?

He will be receiving benefits. He’s going to have to give you most of it for rent and food.

Say yo your parents… could you help him out? Stop any help to me and help him?

If money is that tight then you need to find an evening /night job 2/3 nights a week

that will add to income

If your parents have money could they not provide him with a small loan to try and keep him in the property he is in now? They may be willing to help if they can see he is frantically looking for work hopefully it won’t be too long before he’s back in employment. He may have to go cap in hand to them, perhaps supported by you.

I can understand your plight. It sounds less than ideal your adult son moving back into your home especially with the financial implications. It does sound like you’d be willing to make the sacrifice tho. I think you should be allowed to say the situation is dire without getting backlash.

I’m sorry your family is in such a difficult situation. You mentioned your son has ADHD and that was a contributing factor in why he lost his job. Also that he is messy and comes across as rude, and that he was ‘living in filth’. He has done well to be in employment up until now but the overall picture sounds like someone who is not good as functioning independently due to his ADHD - these problems seem to have arisen since he has split up with his girlfriend, who was perhaps supporting him to live an independent life. Had he ever looked into PIP for himself? It sounds like he may be eligible. Also if he is likely to be evicted due to difficulties with rent, the council may have some duty of care given his disability / vulnerability. Someone else mentioned Citizens Advice Bureau and I would think this would be a good place to start in terms of exploring what financial and other support might be available to him.

So? I’d expect it to be! This is a 27 year old man. It’s only on Mumsnet that people are expected to be constantly available to their long-adult children forever and never move on with their lives. In the real world, parents remarry, move abroad or downsize so that you can’t expect to just move back in with them if you hit a rough patch. OP has a four year old who is obviously the priority here. Additionally this man sounds like a pain in the arse with his messiness and rudeness. Maybe some of the people hand-wringing on here could take him in.

Have you read the criteria for being awarded PIP? You don’t get it for being rude and messy.

What she's saying is that his housing benefit is shared housing allowance due to his age. His rent is £600 or something a month and his housing allowance will be like £300 or something. His £400 JSA/UC Standard Allowance will be spent on his car and phone costs. That's why she's saying he can't afford to live. He is genuinely up a creek without a paddle, but he still needs to find a way to fix this without moving in with OP. He's a single person without children, illness meaning he can't work or disability. The amount he can claim isn't actually enough to survive on in an expensive part of the country (which I'm guessing is what he is in).

OP, I've had some further thoughts regarding his finances.
First he needs to tell the council about his ADHD when he claims homeless, it may give him a few priority points for the bidding list.

Second, if he's a minimum wage earner and that's realistically it for him, then he needs to think about what areas of the UK he can actually afford to live in and see if he can sofa surf with friends or relatives there (if there are any) to give him an opportunity to apply for jobs in that location. Rent varies drastically across the UK.

Third, put it to him straight...if he moves in you're going to lose £70/month in housing benefit and food costs of feeding him. (Ignoring the disruption to your lives for a minute.) Tell him to ask everyone he knows, friends or relatives for £70 as a one off to help him with rent and if he can come to them for dinner once a week until he gets a new job. If he thinks that's appalling (it is, TBH, but if you don't ask you don't get and desperate times need desperate measures) then ask him why he thinks it's acceptable for him to cost you £70 every month plus food every day? Because it isn't and he needs to realise this.

I have already planned on my next home to make sure I have one extra bedroom (I’ll be living alone), so that there is somewhere if my kids ever need to come home. If both needed to I’d get a put-you-up as well. I needed to go to my mum’s when my personal life fell apart (and she and my dad needed to come to me year’s earlier). As a family, you’re in it together, all for one and one for all. How pitiful to be the type of parent who sees their role as a contract that has permanently ended. I will always be a mum to mine no matter how old they are.

It seems to me that DS is incredibly entitled for someone who doesn't have many options. 'He will expect proper dinners and that's going to be on DH.'

I would say that beggars can't be choosers, and he will eat what's put in front of him or he doesn't eat at all, if he is not willing to arrange his own meals.

Edit to add that he can do all of the cooking if he is not happy with what is on offer. Sounds like he will have time on his hands. Remind him that he is not moving into a hotel, and that he can't 'expect' anything when several people are going to be out out by him moving in.

It’s the food that will be detrimental as we don’t always cook meals and sometimes just have cheese and crackers or sandwiches or something on toast

I don't think it is reasonable to expect a 27 year old man to be happy with eating snacks instead of proper meals. Neither would I TBH. It isn't very healthy either.

I would expect him to contribute towards the food though.

It's really not as simple as that. OP and her DH are a minimum wage household with only one wage. She can't afford to support another adult, end of. It's not an uncommon circumstance in working class families. It's very middle class to assume adult DC can always go back to living with parents if disaster befalls them. For lots of families that just isn't the case.

If her adult DS can't work (can't hold down a job long term) due to his ADHD, then he'll have to go on benefits himself and live a very frugal lifestyle to make ends meet. If he can work, even just minimum wage, then again, he has to live within his means, which will include having a bit put by for when disaster strikes.

Once he turns 35 he'll be entitled to the one bedroom rate of housing allowance, which usually means a single person can at least afford to rent a room in shared housing/HMO even if it's not enough to cover the rent on a one bedroom place. He needs to work out how to survive until then and it can't be by being financed by OP, she just doesn't have the money.

He can buy and cook his own food. This thread really is unbelievable. HE IS TWENTY SEVEN. This just shows how ridiculously middle class Mumsnet is. In so many working class families you leave at 18 because the space is sorely needed and you don’t come back. None of this “keep a room for you” bullshit because people on benefits earning minimum wage can’t do that. And all the horrible comments about how dare the OP have another child and remarry. How about this strapping lad of 27 asks himself why he has lost his job due to rudeness and now expects to live rent free with his mum who is a carer to a disabled child?

I think you misunderstood the post I quoted and agreed with, well your response suggests that anyway.

UC is £424 for a single person of the ds age, he has insurance, phone, petrol, road tax etc to pay before he even thinks about paying anything towards his food. The op will lose nearly £100 a month towards her rent because of an additional adult in the household. The math just doesn't add up, it is going to cost the op and her dh.

Yes I'd house any of my dc in an emergency but it doesn't mean that the cost of doing so wouldn't break me. That would consequently put massive strain on my own life and relationship.

He won’t be needing petrol if he’s not working will he? He needs to ditch the £50 phone - it’s a joke. If he’s got an expensive car sell it and buy a run-around with cheap tax.

It is a cheap car according to the op, insurance is expensive due to points. He needs petrol to get to the job centre for meetings, to get to interviews etc. You can't ditch phone contracts on a whim.

I'm struggling a bit with the financials here.
Assuming a month is 4 weeks:
Carers allowance= 86.45 x 4
Highest rate DLA= £194.60 x 4
60hrs a week on min wage = 12.71 x 60 x 4

Total= £4174.60 per month pre-tax.

Plus you've mentioned housing benefit or something so I'm assuming you also get benefit top ups.

Plus you said you have a 2 bed so unless you're in Central London I'm assuming rent or mortgage is within normal range.

I'm not saying times aren't difficult but can you really not afford to put your OWN son up on the sofa and chuck him hot meal or two?

I'm not sure why you would be out of pocket? You say he has his own flat so he must pay all his own bills just now - so why would he not continue to pay his own bills? If he lives with you he will save £600 a month so he will have even more money.