Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

ok. With the updates, sounds like you resent your son having to come back and live with you..impacts negatively financially on household income, plus puts a strain on space. You don't think it's fair on hubby. You can't help out as your are FT carer to disabled DD. Son is untidy and rude. Has lost his job due to his own fault. He is the same age as you were when you had an 8 year old- yet you managed to work things out and you find it a bit annoying to have to be his back up plan. You of course will have him back (You've said this repeatedly) but it's going to be super challenging.

Tbh I think the atmosphere in the house will be super unpleasant. DS will sense this and it may damage your relationship. So need to try and find another plan.

Scrap what I said in my earlier post before .... Might be easier to try and find him a room with a relative? He could do this himself too.... So his aunt / uncle? Someone who, when paid board, doesn't impact them negatively.

I'd always have my kids back- but then I'm solvent, have space and am not caring for a young child with disabilities.

What a champ, loses his job because he can’t be polite to people, racks up living costs because he can’t be bothered to follow road-rules. Awesome.

Normally for say 6 points the effect on insurance is not a lot so I’m guessing he has a lot or has been banned in the past.

Are you living in private rented accommodation? If so you are probably paying a fortune in 'Landlord Benefit', aka rent.

It seems harsh, but you are in an awful situation. You need to tell your son that you are unable too help him. As a homeless person he will gain certain rights, including the local council finding accommodation for him. It probably will be a room in a B&B or a homeless hostel. It will probably be more urban than rural so jobs will be easier to find. 'Easy' is probably a misnomer in this day and age.

Things are only going to get worse in the UK, so anyone giving the OP a hard time could very well find themselves in a similar situation.

If joblessness of DS turns into a long term matter then eventually he found permanent accommodation which will be fitted out with the basic necessities of life, bed, sofa, cooker, kettle, cooking and eating implements etc.

Don't feel bad about taking money from the Government. You have all paid in enough taxes to deserve help at a difficult time in your lives. If the government can afford to buy bombs, then they can afford to make sure the populace has a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs.

Those receiving benefits will always be criticised, but if there were fewer of the hyper-rich offshoring their money to avoid tax we would have more money going back to the exchequer.

He isn’t deliberately messy or rude but he has adhd and can be a bit hectic and rules aren’t his thing, hence he lost his job but he is trying to get another.

You'd be crazy to invite him to move in. He's an adult, he needs to sort himself out. He can sell his car for a start, he doesn’t need it.

Given your house size and the extent of your daughter's disability, he must be really desperate to come back.

But for six months he'll get the equivalent of job seekers allowance so he can contribute to the household. Hopefully as he has experience he'll find a job in six months, he's not a new graduate or school-leaver.

I agree with a pp though - it's not your DH who would be supporting him. You are looking after HIS child and therefore not working. So it's your money too. But I wouldn't want to worry about someone else in a tiny house when I am working all the hours god sends and have a child with complex needs. Have you thought about contacting social services and seeing what they suggest? Any chance to get housing association housing?

How is he going to find a job in a rural area without a car?

He needs to stay where he is and use public transport.

Does he work 60 hours or is he out of the house 60 hours? My OH has a horrendous commute because there arent any other jobs round here that a)he can get b) he would be able to do c) pay enough to manage the travel (travel around the county is more expensive than travel into London)

So he is out of the house 12 hours a day at least but he works a normal 38 hour week.

If he were his father he would find a way. My husband would never turn our kids away.

You very much do have room. You have a two bedroom house. That's three rooms to share between two adults and two children. My mum and I shared a bedsit with a bed and a pull out couch, ffs.
He is also getting £400 in benefits which is a contribution towards the household meaning your husband does not need to subsidise him. If anything, you'd have a bit more money coming in with a third adult.
Your son also needs to consider his finances. £50 phone is ludicrous. I appreciate he may not be able to switch mid contract but it was a stupid idea to get it to begin with which explains while he lived hand to mouth when he was employed. I lived perfectly comfortable in a flatshare while on minimum wage paying more for a room ten years ago than your son does now. And minimum wage increased substantially since then. You need to have a serious conversation with him about budgeting and saving.

He wont save 600 quid. His only income will be his UC

He has a room which is 600 a month. His HB only pays 400 a month and his UC is around 400 a month.

If he lived with OP, he would only get the 400 a month UC

He should be buying his food and toiletries with that, but he doesnt sound reasonable as a person. He would also need to contribute the lost HB that OP wiould lose, so thats about 100 a month.

How about this able bodied 27 year old “finds a way” to get a job, any job, rather than lumping the responsibility onto a man who works all hours and has a disabled child?

Imagine if a woman posted on Mumsnet about living in a small house, working long hours, caring for an disabled child and was now having her adult stepson move in and the expectation was that she financially support him. The answers would be SO different.

And me and only 3 others I think have asked about this mans father. Why so much pressure from posters on OP? Oh because shes the mum, she's the woman so she just has to suck it up

The man is in touch with his father, might not be close but he has a dad, go to him.

Hasn't he made his own situation? He's 27, just got fired from his job, he doesn't have any savings whatsoever to fall back on, and people like his grandparents who love him would find him too challenging to live with.

Why is it OP who is the only one apparently prioritising and making choices they'll have to live with?

Sounds misogynistic to me honestly.

Look up the replication crisis - ADHD as a singular concept/disorder is a highly contested topic within the profession

OP has said that he does not have an expensive car and his high car insurance is due to his having points on his license.

(Having points on his license may also affect his suitability for jobs involving driving a company van, like deliveries.)

How about this able bodied 27 year old “finds a way” to get a job, any job,

He is.
The job market is brutal right now. I have read loads of threads about people of different backgrounds, education and experience all struggling to find work - any kind of work.

Are you actually the husband here? I’ve never known anyone go on so much about it being all the breadwinner’s money when they are married and looking after their shared child full time.

It's a tiny house and a small child takes priority over an adult surely.

The functional reality is

"Spare" council and social housing have been rare as hen's teeth back since at 2015 least and whatever little is available is awarded based on a priority scoring system - the obvious priorities being women with young children, pregnant women, people with significant MH needs, people escaping violence or unsafe conditions.

He's male, under 30 and OP has not mentioned anything about vulnerabilities / at risk of /needing to escape violence

What happens next is he approaches his local authority, he fills in forms, they assign a priority score for him and terms of accessing long-term social housing, he ends up so far down the list he's wasting his time

The best the council are likely to offer a single young man without dependents is temporary accommodation (Local Authority-contracted bnbs, bedsits)

and he'll only be offered that "help" if he stays in his present accommodation until formal eviction proceedings reach the threatening letters and bailiffs stage, if he chooses otherwise, the LA will deem him intentionally homeless and they get to discharge their responsibilities towards him.

In 2017, Shelter found loss of tenancy one of the key routes to homeless and in 2017, the rental market was becoming quite wonky in terms of availability, but compared to present day - hugely plentiful.

He will be entitled to Local Housing Allowance. LHA is very rarely anything approaching the full amount, its usually around 50% give or take - this varies by area/region. An LA can (or used to be able to), make a discretionary payment covering the first 6 or 12 weeks at full rent

nomorestripes

this thread has moved on a lot since I started reading it yesterday!

Has anything been decided?

You said...

"My biggest worry is that once he moves in he will not ever manage to move out again, he lives in utter filth at the moment and we will all be on top of each other and there will be tension especially as he will be out of work and here all day so of course it will be stifling but nobody has said he will be left on the street."

I completely understand your wanting to help him but I think him moving in is a big mistake. Can you get him to Citizens advice?

I just googled what to do if your son is homeless.

Here is the reply...

"Help your son immediately by advising him to contact the housing options team at his local council to make a homeless application. Under UK law, councils must help if he is homeless or facing homelessness within 56 days. You can also contact Shelter on their free advice line at 0808 800 4444 for urgent guidance."

Here is some more info

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness

You could also contact Salvation army, you do not need to be religious to ask for help. https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/support-those-risk-homelessness

16-25 year olds can also look at

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/emergency_options_for_homeless_16_to_25_year_olds

This is also what popped up...

Practical Support You Can Offer

• Gather Documents: Help him collect or replace essential items like ID, a birth certificate, national insurance number, and any medical or eviction letters. 1,
• Connect with Day Centres: Direct him to local drop-in centres or organizations like The Salvation Army or Barnardo's (if he is a young adult) where he can get a hot meal, a shower, clean clothes, and help setting up benefit claims. 1, 2]
• Mental Health & Crisis Support: If he feels overwhelmed or hopeless, encourage him to talk to the Samaritans anytime by calling 116 123. 1]

Please OP do not waste time here arguing about the situation. Find some help for him so he can stay independent.

And yet some of the solutions that have been suggested include the OP getting a part time job. So she can apparently get one easily but her son can’t. And the OP’s husband who is already the sole breadwinner on a low wage and in receipt of benefits needs to magically “find a way” to financially support the OP’s adult son. How precisely? And the poor disabled 4 year old who gets turfed out of her room so that this grown man can take it over. It’s mind boggling how some people think and reason.

A small point, perhaps, but for those who keep suggesting that OP should get bunk beds for her child's room so that the 27 year old can share the room with his "younger brother", note that this severely disabled child is a girl.

Not sure it's an ideal solution to have a severely disabled 4 year old daughter with complex needs with dressing and toileting sharing bunk beds with a 27 year old step brother.

"There is not 3 adults in the house as my husband works 60 hour weeks and if Ds moved back he would not be able to manage the complex needs of our daughter who needs help getting on/off the toilet, needs support with mobility and to dress and I would absolutely not expect him to take on that responsibility which is in itself a full time job as is his job searching and being available for work."

That "friction" could cost OP her marriage. She's the parent-carer full time of a disabled 4yr old. Her other DS is 27, so OP is probably 40s then. If she loses this relationship, she's on her own forever. There's not going to be any chance to have a relationship with anyone else. Not even a casual relationship, because let's face it, if the DH bails he's not going to start solo parenting his disabled DC, it just basically never happens. By the time the DC is grown and in residential housing for disabled adults, OP is going to be in her 60s-70s. Parenting disabled DC is hard on a marriage, the OPs life and marriage will already be precarious by default.

A lot of posters saying "what if her DS becomes suicidal?".
Well, what if OP does? If her DH splits and she's the burnt out sole carer plodding along with no end in sight, on antidepressants that have made her fat and sedated her so she feels very little, with no life, no companionship, no friends (because they all fuck off too whenever disabilities are involved) and no respite? I suppose that doesn't matter does it, because women with DC rarely kill themselves, so who cares eh?

If the OP loses this marriage she loses everything. It may not be perfect but it was good enough for her to live with him and have a DC with him, and it's good enough for him that he hasn't bailed out like a lot of men in this situation, even though OP can't work and he'd be much better off financially as an absent father paying bare minimum child maintenance. "A bit of friction" in the form of a difficult to get along with adult he's not related to, living in his home, costing him what little disposable income he has left at the end of the month as a minimum wage earner, and meaning OP and DH get no private space, could well finish their relationship off. He works 60hrs a week and returns home to a knackered OP and a disabled DC. I don't blame the DH for wanting to just relax in front of the TV in peace in his downtime and I don't blame OP for wanting to hang onto her marriage.

All these people saying "your son's still your son in adulthood and should come first before your DH" don't really understand what they're potentially asking OP to give up. She's already said she lives in rural isolation which would make it difficult for DS to get a job and that if he moves in she doesn't think it'll be temporary but permanent. It's her entire life we're taking about, not a minor inconvenience for a month.

If this is right and he will get £800 in total, it could be worth your while giving him £100 a month to help with the rent. This still leaves you £100 worse off the same as if he moved in with you and you lost the HB but you would all be more comfortable. If there’s any way at all that this could work, and maybe your parents or your son’s dad could help financially while he tried to get Christmas work or anything at all that might be a way forward.

But I do think having ADHD can’t be used as an excuse to live in filth and be rude. The advice from a pp on consulting citizens advice and shelter would be worth doing, plus maybe seeing a gp to ask whether any medication could help him. If there’s advice is to stay out until he is evicted then do that and then take up a homeless place. I did think you really needed to have him home with you but I do wonder now whether given his living conditions and attitude it may help him develop independence if he tries to get medical advice and be put on a job seeking programme.