Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Mine are 27 and 29 and I’m the same. Dm if they’re in their 40s there is absolute nothing that wd make me turn my kids away. This thread is deeply bloody disturbing. I’m gonna look at all the ‘my kids won’t speak to me anymore’ posts when they pop up, as they inevitably do, with a whole new outlook from now on

I'd expect (hope) my mum would want to help out.

If he’s in the NW lmk and he can hunker down at mine for a bit Jesus Christ

I think that poster meant starting a second family at age 42 was the "blended family"part.

It must hurt to be not welcome at your mum's house while a 4yo half sibling lives there.

No, but at no point would I have expected my mother to start reproducing again if I was in my twenties. And she had, yes you've guessed it, ADHD (which is where mine came from!)

Yes.

I would expect my husband to take me and my children, whatever their ages, as his family.

My son was much younger when I met my husband, but he treated him like his own son from the start and now ds is 24, he still treats him as his own, he’s always paid everything for him etc. Ds left home two weeks ago to work abroad on 8 month contracts, dh is as upset as I am (happy for him, but you know, we miss him), and this is always going to be his home to return to, if that’s in 8 months or 5 years.

Thats how families work to me.

However, Ds isn’t so lucky with his father and his wife. She has said many times that Ds would not be welcome to live there under any circumstances (they married when Ds was 18, he’s not even allows to spend a night there).

My dh has assured me that even if something were to happen to me, Ds is “his” son forever and can always rely on him. In your sons situation, he would be welcomed home in heartbeat.

While Ds was a child when we met, so it’s slightly different, I wouldn’t be with a man unless he knew my children, however old they were, are always my priority, no matter their age.

Firstly my parents help me out with money and car and if we’re stuck with bills etc but I also said in the rest of that post that I am not in my parents position but you did say yesterday, you were bored of reading so maybe you didn’t read all that sentence?

You said “ I will never get over parents who say “ I struggled so why should my child put up with the same”

I’m sorry you will never get over whoever said that quote to you but I think maybe you’re projecting?
“Why even have a child if that’s how you feel? Not me that said that’s how they feel but perhaps ask them more about that?
Then you say “I have adhd and I would never want my kids to struggle the way I have”
I think that answers my question on you projecting.

You also said you were not reading any more as you were bored now so why are you now back tracking on that?

I agree, it would be very hurtful and damaging to be rejected by your own parent when you turn to them for help when you're possibly facing homelessness. A pp mentioned upthread the feeling of comfort in knowing your parents are always there in the background to provide shelter if things go wrong in your life. I think that security is especially important today, to young people in particular, because finding employment and accommodation is so difficult

So you accept help from your parents but won't offer to your own son? Sorry, do I have that right?

Ahh so your mum’s the culprit? Mine came from my dad.

Wow you sound pretty selfish op. Happy to take but not give.

No you don’t have that right, I said I am not in the same position as my parents.

There’s a reason my mum helps out financially, because we don’t have much money so that’s why Dh is stressed that Ds moving in will mean we will be penalised almost £100 a month he can’t afford so will be worse off for having him here.

There has to be something else going on here? Do you have access to your husband’s bank account.
You got a housing executive home when you were 27, DS aged 8. He’s working 60 hours a week, you get carers and high rate DLA yet your parents financially support you for bills and your car.
Is your DH gambling? Drinking too much? Only fans? You are lucky to have great parents. It is a pity that your DS1 hasn’t got great parents.

You are playing the poor act or the money is going somewhere.
Take out a loan, put 20 pound a week from your carer payment off it if you don’t want him to move in, help him pay for a room to rent for a few months.

OP, it's ignorance on my part - but why does your DS moving in mean you would lose housing benefit?

But everything you have said about money just doesn’t add up?

It would wouldn’t it but nobody has been rejected, that doesn’t mean we are delighted at the prospect and won’t feel the implications of it.

All adults living in the house have to be added to the claim. So all ds income (from benefits) will be taken into account. So OPs award will go down.

You can’t just move someone in for an unknown period of time while claiming the housing element of UC without declaring it.

I mean, you can. But it’s not worth rhe risk of being caught out.

Did you work when he was a child? Had he any savings when he moved out? Was he receiving any benefits as a child for ADHD? Is he entitled to any help now based on his diagnosis.

Because he will be another adult living in the property so they expect him to pay a portion of the rent and deduct that from our housing benefit.

Thank you for that.

That poster was writing from the perspective of your son!
That he would think it A Bad Thing that you, a single mum with ADHD, are the reason he has ADHD
And that it's crazy you've chosen to start again in your 40s with a new baby at high risk of inherited ADHD as well. (Plus higher risk of other disabilities)

I worked all his life and up until I became a carer for our 4yo.
I don’t think he has much of any savings and doesn’t get benefits for adhd.

Yes I see that but my dad is the reason I have adhd he had me when he was 40 after having a son earlier on with the same we are all products of our parents.

Nope, I actually have inherited ADHD from my own mother and my sons also seem to have it. I meant, that even in her wildest dopamine seeking days, my mother would not have considered having another baby when I was in my 20s. In fact, once my dad had died she never had another relationship. I honestly can't see how having half siblings with a 20 year plus age gap is even remotely sensible!