To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

He wants to have sex with you even if you don’t want it? There’s a word for that.

What a prince. Bet he’s an equally generous lover. I wouldn’t leave a beverage unattended when he’s home.

So, what does this man think rape is? I’d be really interested to hear his definition.

LTB. Please.

Of course Yanbu, OP

I can see why you have no sex drive. I'd imagine it would return if you got divorced.

I guess he means "it won't get better unless you try". But trying.meaning having sex when I dont want to. I just couldn't believe he was happy to have sex knowing I dont want to. He was being persuasive though. I know i sound like an idiot. My head is a muddle. The truth is I never want to have sex with him

He said "keep sleeping in the spare room if you want but you have to start sleeping with me. Even a fucking handjob"

Absolutely grim.

Oh OP!

It won't get better unless he tries

And stops coercive bullying too of course

If you never want to have sex with him, you should knock the relationship on the head?

I didn’t fancy ex-DP one bit by the end and couldn’t bear to have sex with him. I forced myself to to keep the peace and it was a disaster. It made me so so angry and resentful.

Cut your losses and set both you and him free from this dumpster fire of a marriage.

After the chat, I’m guessing you want sex even less than you did before. Do not ever have sex you don’t want. 💐

Well you don't have to start sleeping with him. You don't 'have' to do anything. He doesn't sound great tbh OP.

However, relationships are complicated and it's pretty well documented that often in long term relationships women need emotional intimacy to want physical intimacy but men struggle with emotional intimacy where they feel unable to connect physically. There is of course a chance that he's just a bad communicator who is having a hard time dealing with the lack of sex and doesn't know how to change things.

If he thinks though that telling you you're obligated to fuck him is going to solve the communication and emotional problems you've had he's an idiot. He sounds like he thinks he's entitled to your body. Massive red flags. I'd very much consider LTB

Well hes wrong. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. And nor should you. I do think in a marriage/relationship you should WANT to though. Sex is important, otherwise your relationship is dead. Talk to him again and say you agree that sex is important, but its important that you both want it. You can't bypass that step. So what is he going to do to make you want to again? What are you both going to do? Date nights? Romance? Weekends away? What makes you feel romantic OP? Some time alone without the kids? more help with the housework? country walks together?

I think you both need to come up with a plan to reconnect romantically. But make it very clear you wont be pressured to have sex unless you want to - but make it clear you are very very much committed to trying to get to the place of wanting to. That you want a loving sexual marriage, but you both need to put in the effort.

PS the handjob comment was grim.

You must know you don’t have to sleep with anyone you don’t want to op?

Why would you want to have sex with someone when you barely seem to tolerate each other. His mindset is fucked up.

So the only way he can be close to you and express himself is via sex? What a caveman. No you're not being unreasonable, I wouldn't want to be intimate in that situation. He's an idiot.

You do have to decide though op, what your future looks like from here .

you don’t want to have sex with him and that’s no surprise as he sounds like a grim, coercive bully. But he doesn’t want to be in a relationship without sex. So your options are probably divorce or divorce.

Not quite as simple as that. That if I only have sex when I really really want to....I'll never have sex and our relationship will end. Inevitably. So if I have sex when i don't want to....might get us back into the habit and I'll start enjoying it again ans then the love and emotions will follow. That was his "pitch" to me!

But I really don't want to. And although there is some logic to his argument, his ease at the idea of me "forcing" myself was really quite disconcerting

And yes I have suggested date nights and effort on his part in other ways. Has never happened.

This marriage is dead.

He's fucking grim.

Well if you have suggested date nights and effort and he wont do it, and you still dont want to have sex with him then you need to divorce. Surely you dont want to be with a man who you dont want to have sex with? Dont you want a sex life too? Obviously with someone you fancy.

You need to split up. For both of your sakes.

Yes, in the conversation he was very much blaming me for not wanting to have sex with him. Kind of "what is wrong with you" questions

Saying "i dont want to have sex with you because I dont fancy you" just feels unsayable. So we just keep talking about to fix it

Sympathies. In the same boat - was told even if it’s transactional just for a release… I hope you find a way forward for your relationship if you still want to be together.

even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance"

So he's ok with rape. He doesn't care of you enjoy sex, this is all about him. You could be a blow up doll for all he cares.

Sex is not a physiologic necessity like oxygen and fluids and sleep. He won't die without it.

He wants it and he feels entitled to it because he's in a relationship. That's not the case. No one is entitled to another person's body. That's a very misogynistic attitude to sex and I hope you don't have daughters.

Nothing kills a sex drive faster than having sex you don't want to have.

I don't know what you think is persuasive there. He's ignorant about how sex works for you after some years in a relationship and he feels it's his right and he's cool with rape.

Why would you want to have sex with him is the question. He's telling you he's ok with rape, tell him that attitude turns you off. His attitudes aren't going to change, that misogyny runs deep. So why stick around in a dead marriage?

He only wants you around for sex and you don't want sex with him, you're sexually incompatible. So call it quits.

Do what you want. Your body,your choice. Don't then be entirely surprised when he finds someone else to have sex with. That's the reality of your situation.

That is fucking disgusting. He is reducing you down to services your body can provide him even knowing you don’t want to do them. After that disgusting revelation I think you are more than okay to confront him with your reason for not complying as you’ve said “I don’t want to because I don’t fancy you/ I’m no longer attracted to you”. That will drive the issue home that he is the problem, not you. Please look at a way out and do not even think twice about doing what he has said. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to, ever. He is vile for trying to headfuck you over this. Don’t even let him do that any more. Cut it all dead. No dick, no mind fuck, no nothing that is associated with his poor little forlorn penis. What he can do with it is fuck right off with his sad little dick between his legs.

Why should she work to like someone who could say such a thing?