To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

It's quite clear what this means. Such a rude comment. Do you usually struggle with your comprehension skills?

What does she mean? Even you can’t say.

And your post is very rude.

It's appalling that he wants you to have sex you would hate. I think you have to leave him - how can you get over that?

I understand, obviously, that he feels shit that his wife doesn't want sex with him. But emotionally blackmailing you into it is disgusting.

Seriously, I don't say this lightly, but I think you should leave.

Imagine wanting sex with someone you know is disliking/hating every second!

Monstrous.

Men need sex to feel connected. Women need to feel connected to have sex. It’s a problem in a lot of relationships.

I don't know if you love him, but he doesn't love you.

@CrazyMidget sounds like a laugh or cry moment, eek. However, "couldn't be bothered with foreplay" says it all really.
No one needs that in their lives, thankfully sounds like he's an ex.

As for your other theory imo it's just based on men's vs women's hormone cycles.

FFS don't be so ridiculous. MN is batshit at times. Do you honestly think that if Op never has sex with him again, that he will just be celibate for the next 50 years? Sex is some of the glue that keeps cpuples together. It's fine for Op to not have sex she doesn't want, but expecting her DH to just accept that and never fall for another woman is fucking crazy talk.

I can see what her DH is meaning, in fact Sexpert Tracey Cox used to say the same thing - basically use it or lose it.

Up to you Op, either try and get in the mood and back in the saddle, or accept the marriage is over - maybe not today, but certainly quite soon.

MN seems full of women who hate their DH's, it's bewildering to me. Also full of women who ghost their DH's in the bedroom, and then act all surprised when after a few years of a dead bedroom, he shags Sharon at the Christmas party, What the fuck did you think was going to happen?

He kept describing sex as his "love language". Which i hated. Because he doesnt use terms like that. It felt manipulative

He said "I'll never understand your priorities. You get annoyed about tiny stuff like housework or remembering things, but you seem happy to go for months without sex. Our relationship should be intimate and loving, who cares about the small stuff."

I have tried, many times over the years, him not helping out makes me feel resentful and exhausted and less loving towards him. But he makes me feel ridiculous e..g "ah you'll shag me if I remember to pick up dishwasher tablets. Surrrrrrrre" (said sarcastically)

He is telling you clearly that he does not understand you or care about what matters to you.
He then also wants you to care about what matters to him.
So either you get yourselves to a marriage counselling serivce and see if you can salvage something. Or you split up because you will never find happiness of any sort with someone who openly does not care about your needs and wants

I think You need to get some counselling. What has he done or not for you to freeze him out?

Consensual sex is part of a normal.loving relationship unless both sides are happy without it. I think it will get worse unless you can both find a mutually acceptable level of physical contact, or go separate ways if you definitely don't want sex relationship with him any more. You are both young enough to find new partners, or be single by choice. Life is about choices ..

He’s telling you he doesn’t care about your needs but you should care about his. He doesn’t sound like a good partner.

He’s being shitty about it (not to say… worse) but I do think that sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship and no sex will cause issues, for sure.

DP has a much lower sex drive than me and I can’t lie, more than once I have thought it would dictate the end of our relationship. However I’d just break up, I wouldn’t expect him to have sex with me against his will.

Is there a reason you won’t leave? You’re already in the spare room as it is.

He kept describing sex as his "love language".

Even though he doesn't care if you don't want to be doing it...

I suppose you could tell him not treating you like a skivvy and, yes, getting the dishwasher tablets is your love language but a) he won't understand b) he won't care and c) I think this is dead in the water. A man who loved you wouldn't want to have coerced, unwanted sex with you.

'I would like to have sex, with a man who loves me, who cherishes me, and who respects me. That's clearly not you. I want a divorce'

Maybe ask him to read this … his reaction might be telling @OverOverOverAgainhttps://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

There is a grain of truth but he's delivered it in such a shitty way he's make sex (and a relationship) with him even less appealing.

Nothing is less sexy than pressure and he's piled on the pressure to provide him with a sexual service rather then talk about how to rebuild a physical and intimate connection.

If you want to try and explain this to him, then I suggest you leave a copy of Come as you are on his pillow. Understanding why pressure, tiredness and resentment kill your interest in being vulnerable and sexual with him might show him he's approaching this all wrong.

Rebuilding connection has to start with feeling safe enough to be playful and introducing physical touch without feeling like it comes with any expectation for it to lead to sex.

Don't want to go to work today -- don't go.
Don't like the experience of a smear test -- don't go.
Don't enjoy a child's musical performance -- don't attend.

Because that's how life works, isn't it? We only do what we really enjoy and want to do.

I think he needs to rewind back a few steps. You both probably need to work on getting on first. Women generally need more needs met to feel desire. Op what do you need from him? He may have a higher sex drive but for women it’s generally they are juggling to many things and are exhausted. Dating again may help once you establish liking each other again as it sounds like that may be missing.

You think those things are like having unwanted sex? Do you even care how creepy that is?

Sounds like your standard selfish man. He wants sex and the fact that he doesn't get what he wants means he expects you to ignore everything else and centre his needs and wants.

You can explain and excuse his position but what he is NOT doing is asking "What can I do to become attractive to you again?" Which really gives you your answer.

It's the opposite in my experience. If a woman keeps having sex when she's not into it, she just learns to disassociate and not be in tune with her own sexuality. You end up feeling like a prostitute, not a lover.

Wow. Do you realise how you sound?

He sounds like an arse and you don’t sound as though you like him very much. Is there anything positive in the relationship that makes it worth continuing?

Dont underestimate a man's need for sex. We expect men to be different but they are not wired like that. Im not suggesting you should have sex with him when not wanting to. It sounds like your relationship has broken down completely and its time to call it a day.

You shouldn't have to force yourself, no. But it doesn't sound like you want to try and repair things? There is some sense in what he says. Sex within marriage does generally produce closeness and warmer feelings. I don't think women always go around feeling hungry for sex, the desire sometimes doesn't come until you start to actually you know, get into the action. I do understand about needing to feel right emotionally beforehand though, I would feel the same. Seems like he needs to show willing in that department first but you need to be receptive to his efforts and then show willing physically.

I really dislike how quick MN is to say LTB when someone is married to a man and has children with him. I am happily married but if we were in a bad patch I would never consider leaving unless he were abusive/unfaithful or I found out something terrible about him. Instead I would work at my marriage, and expect him to do the same. And part of that would be getting back to a physical relationship even if I wasn't trembling with desire the first few times!