To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

That's the mindset of an abuser spoken outloud

I’m in the same position, have been for years, he regularly has little chats about me “trying harder” which basically means just give me what I want even though I know you don’t really want to.

For me, the situation is terrible because

1. I don’t want to do it, so forcing myself is unpleasant

2.knowing that he can get enjoyment from it despite knowing I dont want to do it is very disturbing

Every time we have sex I hate him more and more

...and all sexual therapy says to take sex of the table to re-establish connection and build toward sex.....but that therapy wouldn't be advised with a consent ignoring creep...because sex with him could never be good

Why are you staying together? Kindly.
It's not unreasonable of him or you to want to be in a more functioning relationship. If it's dead and there's nothing to rekindle or reconcile maybe it's time to talk about separating? What are either of you getting out of this?

Your husband has the mindset of a rapist and to him, you're a thing. All he cares about is his orgasm and he wants your body to get there. You don't enjoy it, that's nothing to him. You get more and more repulsed by him using you like a thing and turned off of sex, he won't care. You're going to end up traumatized at best.

Is that what you want for a husband and a marriage, because this is a shitshow.

You need to separate.

Well it sounds like a new development otherwise I don't quite get how you can never want to have sex with him yet have young kids. Why would you have kids with someone you don't find attractive?

Ugh. My ex cheated on me (the first time) when my dad was terminally ill and my head was a mess. He'd kept count of how many times we'd had sex. Apparently the cheating was my fault. Did it again, a year later too. Your lack of sex life is a product of your relationship. It's quite clear your marriage is over. The fact he won't try date nights, etc is telling. Set yourself free. You deserve better.

Of course you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to.

But, your relationship sounds really unhealthy. Assuming you actually want to stay together, can you both commit to trying to work things out and agree to separate if nothing improves? It's not fair on either of you with the way things are now.

Wondering what you get out of this relationship @OverOverOverAgain ?

You don’t seem to like each other… you don’t talk to one another and there is no intimacy.

Why don’t you just split up? Life is short!

So I'm understanding your POV, for clarity, you are essentially suggesting to the OP "let him rape you or he'll cheat." Because that is how your reply sounds in reality.

Fucking hell, what a bastard. I hate him too.

I'm so sorry. Please talk to someone, you don't have to do this.

Hopefully the person he finds to have sex with would at least be consenting.

If you say so.
I look forward to an update from OP, where see expresses disbelief that her DH has left her, despite her believing that they were ' bumping along together OK '.

I'm sure that will be his fervent hope.

Consent has nothing to do with hope.

She's sleeping in a different bedroom and finding her own efforts at reconnecting are ignored so I can't imagine any expression of disbelief, here.

What is keeping you from leaving him?

Similar situation here. I just get on with it, once a week. But now after years of being ok with that it’s not enough and the horrible atmosphere is upon us for the last couple of days before I just do it. And I can’t have sex more often than that so I live in a state of misery and second hand stress for at least two days every week.

I am pretty open to the idea of non monogamy as I’d like this area of our lives to be done with. I’d be happy for him to have an affair and take this weight off of me. Hard to talk about though. I don’t particularly want a divorce and unsettle the kids and have to leave my home / worry about bills. The grass isn’t always greener.

He needs to have agreement, rather than hope.

Are you in the habit of forcing sex on people who don't want it?

I had no idea so many were in this situation

If you love your H you would want to have sex with him. That connection is important in a marriage and should be wanted from you both.

You don’t love your H.

Time to move on.

yeah he has to go.

Wow.. that sentence alone would make me want to pack his bags! Definitely do not have sex if you don't want to. I know relationships are complex but that sentence is black and white and anybody trying to push you into it otherwise isn't someone who respects you (sorry). It sounds like coercive control that he is trying to convince you because it will "save the relationship". It should actually end the relationship and I don't say that lightly.

You don’t have anything in common and you don’t talk for days?? That sounds bad enough? Did you used to get one well? Was the sex ok before?
Have either of you suggested therepy or counselling ?
If you don’t anticipate wanting to have sex with him then you need to tell him. I expect that means you will have to split up.