AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

Hi op it’s not just about the sparkles is it. it’s her deliberately not contributing to her own kids. Tell her if she forgets them you will leave yours at home and do them with ur kids later on. She knows what she is doing she’s not thick she probably thinks you are for doing so much for her kids. Ok you don’t want to punish her kids but you should not have to worry about hers if she doesn’t bring them anything she can go to a shop and buy them stuff. She is a very cf. I bet if you added up all the things you have provided it will add up. She obviously never treats your kids. Not the greatest of friends or best the of mum’s in my opinion.

Wish I had a friend like you, would save a lot of money and time. Do you also babysit ?

I can honestly imagine this post from her point of view:

AIBU - I go on regular outings with a friend and her children. We're more relaxed and she's hyper organised and it's getting really annoying because then my kids want those things too. For example if we go to the beach she insists on bringing spades and toys whereas I just want my kids to paddle and collect pebbles and not have stuff to carry. Same with the cinema - I don't want my kids to think they need junk food to get through a 1.5 hour movie but my friend always brings lots of snacks and then my kids want to share them... etc.

I don't think the friend is necessarily in the wrong for not bringing these things and of course her kids are going to want them if they see yours. If you want to bring things, you bring them for all the children involved but you're not obliged to bring them at all. (Especially not sparklers - they're dangerous and another unnecessary addition to a safe, organised and fun night for all.)

And you are being unreasonable for missing the point of OP’s post.

You don't need to sit down and have any serious talks, you just need to get used to saying something at the time, or even better, preempt her. It doesn't have to be anything heavy or confrontational, just say "for god's sake stephanie, remember get your kids some bloody sparklers!" Text her that a day or two before. If she still forgets [doesn't want to bother] say, "well i did say, and i only got enough for us so.. shrug"

And the next time it hapoens (bc it will) you say, "are you joking? You forgot to bring xyz again?? Damn it woman, i'm not going to keep bailing you out, this is getting silly." etc.

YABVU intending to take sparklers to a display, which is not the point of your post I know…
I cannot believe you have lasted this long and not said anything to your friend, she is exploiting your kindness.
I don’t think you need to end the friendship, but you do need to be firm and clear that she needs to provide for her own children as you do yours.

She's an old friend so I'd just have a conversation.

Incidentally, I don't always take/buy snacks for my child - eg I don't want them eating before a meal, or eating junk. I actually find it irritating if other people offer my child their snacks a lot of the time time. May be irrelevant to this particular case of course.

Yes, I think I agree. I wonder if OP is a bit too quick to jump in with change/ snacks etc. Friend should definitely start refusing or tell her children to decline. If the OP is a little more firm and less embarrassed, the problem should easily resolve i5self

A friend of a friend could be excessive around her children too and always made a big show of her generosity towards everyone else. I truly hope she was genuine and didn’t moan about it afterwards. It was a personality trait for an otherwise nice, balanced person - just that she had to feel she was giving everyone a good time and provided excessively for this.

You are not unreasonable. Don’t understand why it’s always people who are better off? I had a friend much more well off than me but I always had to supplement be it a bill or something else. Maybe they never had to stress their brain to plan anything or be thoughtful. I don’t have a useful advice as she is 30 year old friend with whom you have a good bond overall. Can you tell her honestly that it has started to bother you?

This. Have a chat with her and make her a checklist before she leaves eg snacks, drinks, spare clothes. Tell her she can message you beforehand to see if you’re bringing ‘extras’ like the sparklers. Some people are genuinely shit at this stuff. If she won’t do the checklist or message then she’s taking the piss and then I would take a step back

Good idea but it shouldn’t be OP’s job to plan and purchase things for friend’s kids even if she pay her later.

So op is a wet wipe and people like you are very relaxed?

I agree, it needs to stop altogether.

Almost definitely this!

I’d be really irritated by toys for the beach, an endless supply of snacks, welly’s, wipes and whataboutery. And don’t get me started on the arcade. Ahhhh… and noisily chomping through snacks at the cinema…

Wouldn't that be great. 'BTW, I keep bringing snacks for my kids and sharing because you haven't brought any. Do you prefer them not to have snacks, or do you forget, or is something else going on?'

Oof sparklers are a massive no-no in my circles.
One of my friends ended up in A&E after a child waved one in their eye.
But also very rarely do people dispose of them correctly, especially at public displays. Our main local display is at a rugby club and if people drop the sticks on the floor it's really dangerous for the players.

Anyways, if you can't talk to your friend about this then you aren't really friends anyways.

Because sometimes even long term relationships had that imbalance from start? Sometimes people even find it hard to give a gentle feedback to birth family despite the so called closeness. I think the other friend was always like this but there were no kids in pictures to make the dynamic obvious to Op.

In reality I suppose it depends how much you value the relationship and how much you enjoy your friend's company, plus your children's friendship with hers. Your friend is genuinely not forgetful or disorganised, she has learnt she can rely on you to bring everything without complaint, so she doesn't need to bother. So in effect she is taking advantage of you and if you were ok with this and could easily afford it and she was really struggling financially, perhaps you could let it go, but this is not the case, so I think you need to meet up together without the children and sit down and have a geuine heart to heart, explaining that you are struggling being the main provider and organiser. Good friends are like gold dust, so hopefully you can resolve this by being honest yet tactful. Good luck.

But it’s also possible none of these are big issues to her. I don’t take snacks for my kids when we go out on short trips, but I also don’t forbid them from accepting if somebody offers them one, because ultimately I don’t care that much! They’re fine either way.

But if you don’t want to give my kids snacks, just don’t offer them snacks?

I mean we don’t know enough about the dynamics here, but I do think it would be interesting to know whether the other mum would bother to buy/pack these things when she’s not meeting OP before assuming that she’s cheeky and deliberately taking advantage.

Seems like a parenting issue also. I've had occasions where, for example, saying we go to the beach with a friend on the spur of the moment and I haven't brought toys. I would just say firmly to my children, we don't need them, use rocks/shells/imagination/your hands. And they will! If we forgot a towel I'd say, that's fine we can use this spare t shirt at the bottom of the bag. Sometimes I've brought snacks but a friend has brought a whole picnic.. my kids may be a little peckish towards the end but they absolutely know not to sniff around others for food and I would just encourage them to make the most of the park and soon we will be heading home for a lunchtime feast. It's a bit precious to raise children to think they have to have the same as whoever is around them, all families are different and we cannot always coordinate to have identical supplies. We meet for a walk, it starts to rain and friends kids have cute little brollies? Cool, just put up your hoods my guys and have fun! I have friends that over prepare for every eventuality IMO and while there is nothing wrong with that, it doesn't mean I have to do likewise as long as it's not impacting on them.

It does sound like your friend is taking you for granted, maybe a slight bit of distance is needed for a time and a few carefully worded hints.

I wouldn’t be buying extras. Why are you feeling bad? You buy sparklers for your kids, hand them to your kids, that’s it. If she says ‘where are the extras for my kids?’ you just say ‘I didnt bring any extras’. No apology! Try it, it’s freeing!! Same with snacks, or anything else.

“Just to let you know they were limiting firework sales so I have only got enough sparklers for my kids. Best get some if your kids want sparklers”

Exactly. She's minted because she's always sponging. I wouldn't bother with her anymore. If it punishes her kids then at least it will teach them how to behave if you want to remain friends with someone.

Sorry no I would never end a friendship for this. Maybe take a step back if things irritate you so much. My best friend of 30 years I couldn’t even allow this to bother me. She brings so much more to the friendship which I’d miss of if I got wound up with this.

Wtf, why? Pretty much everyone with kids takes sparklers to the 3 events local to me.