AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

Don’t give her any sparklers. If she asks, say “when you said you always forget to buy them, I assumed you meant you don’t want any. Sorry we don’t really have enough!”
I know sometimes it can be easier said than done, but don’t give in to her. At the arcade surely there was a machine that provides change. Direct her to that instead of just giving in to her.
I wouldn’t just end the friendship abruptly though, just tell her how you feel, see if things change. And if not, and it’s still an issue, then maybe step back. Or just stop giving her stuff.

I absolutely agree with this.
Tell her. Give her the option to change.

Do you think she's doing it on purpose.. or is she using uyou as a kind of "mum" friend who will think and plan ahead so that she doesn't have to.

Either way, its spoiling your days out and its no fun to feel that someone is taking advantage of you.... so tell her.

I feel like she won't take it well and will argue that in fact she doesn't do that.. but then you also have your answer.. if she shows she's not willing to change.

Sorry, but I think it’s ridiculous to end or “step back from” (if you believe this is somehow different) a 30-year friendship because you didn’t ever say a thing to your “friend” about something you resented. If you’re thinking of ending or stepping back from the friendship, then explain why, rather than setting a weird trap for her where she behaves in the same way as she has always done and you suddenly inform her that this was a final test which she has failed. And, tbh, I wouldn’t make sparklers the final test, anyway, because you might find she hates them and only tolerates her kids having them because you appear to want them for your kids, so she bites her tongue about her objections to them for your benefit.

Or just ‘I’ve only bought enough sparklers for my kids.’

It up to friend to decide if she buys some. I wouldn’t stay friend with someone so bossy for very long! 🤣

I’ve voted YABU because you need to grow a back bone and stop doing what you’re doing. She acts like this because she knows she can get away with it and you’ll always do things for her.

If you don’t want to go cold turkey and saying no when she asks for things start sending messages before trips.

“Hi X, I’m going to pick up some snacks for our trip tomorrow, if you want me to get some for your crew transfer me over £5”

If you don’t want to do that, only pack enough for your kids. If the others ask for some you simply say that you don’t have enough and they need to ask their mum for food.

I can see how this is stressful. It does sound as though your outings may be one of the more wholesome parts of the childrens childhood.

I am not sure how to handle what is going on, but can offer that inthe past I did actually cope with a friend (now pleasant aquaintance) who had become difficult - and sometimes it was about 'until the child grew up'. Which was good for my kids, also. Her child is a marvellous husband and father now.

I wouldn’t end the friendship but I think it’s time to have an awkward conversation for the sake of your friendship….

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a sec here. It seems like you're assuming all the things you provide are necessary and that she's basically coercing you into providing them for her kids by not providing them herself. I agree that it would seem mean to give these treats to your little ones while hers stand there empty-handed, with longing in their eyes. But it also sounds to me like she might just be far more laid back than you are and not actually expecting you to bring or buy anything. Especially since she has more kids than you do, she may have just given up on bothering with some of the extras that you put effort into. None of the things you've mentioned sound like necessities to me, for the events they're associated with.

Is it possible that if you didn't supply the movie snacks, beach toys, sparklers or whatever, that there just wouldn't be any, and she'd be just as happy that way? Or that she'd deal with it only if her kids starting asking for whatever item they wanted?

What if you confronted her about being so lackadaisical and she confronted you back, saying you make her tense by having such exacting standards for how everything should be done? What would you think then?

It sounds more like this has only become an issue since they had children, not necessarily that it's been the whole 30 years.

OP what you choose to do is obviously up to you, but there's an awful lot of ground between carrying on as you are and ending the friendship. But when you look back, were you tending to have to rescue her even before kids? Maybe she's always been like this but you didn't notice. Now it's impacting your children and costing you more you're seeing it for the first time.

This exactly.

It is up to her whether she provides an any extras for her own children.

Lots of children don’t have extras. Some because their parent can’t afford it, some because the parent thinks it’s over indulgent and consumerist.

It’s not for OP to worry about.

So you want to completely end the friendship rather than learning to say no.

Good life lesson there for your kids. Be a doormat or ditch someone, with nothing in between.

When is the event because I really want to know if she brought the sparklers.

Your perception is that her kids needs those things and she forgets. Given that she manages to go through life the other 29 days of the month, I would think it's more likely that she thinks her kids don't need them.

But because she's with you and your kids have all that stuff, it creates a situation were it's uncomfortable for you not to share.

You don't have to offer and your kids don't have to share. Her parenting is just fine too, mind your kids and let her mind hers.

This is exactly what I was trying to say but I rambled on!

How would OP feel if her friend admitted she found it vulgar and that she believes OPs children are spoilt with the extras OP constantly buys 😬

We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year

When I reread this, and thinking about my own parenting experiences over the years, like several other posters, I"m leaning towards you both just putting up with each other's parenting!

I've taken my kids to the beach without a load of toys to play with. They don't need them. There's sand, pebbles, shells, seaweed, water and rockpools to explore. Kids don't need snacks the whole time. It won't hurt to splash in a puddle without wellies on once or twice. Your friend might just not want her DC going into an arcade.

She might be feeling equally irritated at the bootful of toys, snacks and spare everything spilling out at the drop of a hat. She ends up having to let her kids have stuff that she really doesn't think they need, which is why she 'forgets' to bring them. Why knows? I honestly think this is one scenario where the friend might have a very different take on things.

I voted YABU, but only because you are proposing to end the friendship rather than talk to her about it. Come on, you've been friends for thirty years! TELL HER - calmly - that you are getting fed up with having to bring all these things for her kids. Ask her to make sure that she brings adequate supplies for her kids, because you are having to buy more and you don't think it's fair. It sounds as if she knows but doesn't think it's a problem. Some people are thick like that. Just tell her that she needs to provide for her own kids.

She'll either get the message and start bringing things for her kids, or she won't. And at that point, you can then reconsider the friendship. But fgs, give her a chance to fix it first.

Exactly! People are so reluctant to communicate, and would rather end a friendship than have a slightly uncomfortable conversation. It's a very British trait.

Just meet without the DC and agree in advance to split the bill.

Those people who are suggesting maybe she doesn't take these things because she doesn't need them are ignoring that the children may like them. If she disagrees with snacks at the cinema then she needs to say to her children when @Wotsitsbreath gives hers the treats, sorry we aren't having snacks at the cinema today, you have dinner waiting for you when we get home. The same with the arcade. She needs to say to her kids I don't have any change and I am not getting any because we are saving that money for when we do xyz.
The reason she probably doesn't do this is because she is being cheeky and knows her children will be covered by @Wotsitsbreath and she is happy to let her fund it knowing she will feel guilty if the children do a sad face.
@Wotsitsbreath needs to be firm when these things happen and just say there is a change machine if your children want to join in the arcades, it takes cards, or no snacks today? We don't have any spares.
I think as she is constantly given the items she knows not to bother.

@Wotsitsbreath Stop enabling her. She knows that she doesn't has to think and plan because you do it. Sounds like some men we hear about here. So just bring for your kids- no extras and let her learn the hard way.

Maybe she doesn’t want to change.

Maybe she wants the OP to back off with her endless requirements of what she believes I’d essential for the children to have a nice trip out.

Maybe she thinks OPs kids are pretty spoilt but is too polite to say, ‘No thank you, please stop giving my children stuff they don’t need.’

Yep @user293948849167, I'd conveniently forget the extras myself a couple of times and let her sort it out.

Good idea about having sparklers at home the night before!

I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them.

"I know. Because I always end up having to give you half of mine so that your kids don't miss out. But this time it's your turn to provide the sparklers for everyone. So don't forget"

Well if that's the case and OP talks it out with her, she'll find out, won't she?

Agreed, except there is no suggestion that friend actually asks for anything. OP feels awkward, so seems to provide it on her own accord? Maybe I’ve missed something.