AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

She has just got used to this because you are so accommodating and kind. Next time, just don't bring stuff for her kids. Stop rescuing her all the time. She sounds like a good close friend and that's hard to find as an adult. If your only way of dealing with conflict is to cut people out then your life will get very small. If she was controlling, critical or aggressive it would be different. But she is just a bit hopeless and you're not. I really doubt she is sitting there plotting to get you to pay for things.

If your only way of dealing with conflict is to cut people out then your life will get very small.

I think you just exploded MN! 😂

I really doubt she is sitting there plotting to get you to pay for things.

I also agree with this.

I get that her uselessness might be annoying but I really struggle to think people get off on intentionally manoeuvring someone else to buy their child's sparkler.

Have you considered talking to her and telling her that it’s really starting to bother you?
or is she just supposed to read your mind and guess why you are going to “step back”.

Have a straight up conversation!!

The more you do, the more she'll take the piss.

Maybe say I’m happy to get the sparklers if you pay for them , just transfer me xx and do that for other stuff in the future. A 30 yr friendship is a lot to throw away without trying to fix it it.

I’ve voted YABU on total wet lettuce grounds. Honestly, OP, has saying ‘No, you can’t have my wipes/change/snacks, Mary. Bring your own. I’m not your lady- in- waiting’ literally never occurred to you? You go straight from meekly supplying all this woman’s needs, and indeed anticipating them, while inwardly seething, and then go straight to ‘I know, I’ll end a 30 year friendship rather than say anything!’🙄

Exactly

Yes, that's petty and unreasonable.
Next time, why don't you call her beforehand and say, "So this year, you can buy the sparklers, right?"

Agree! I purposely don’t bring out mounds of snacks for my two (under 5s) as they fill up pm snacks and then don’t bother with their meals. However, a couple of my friend’s kids are CONSTANTLY snacking! And I don’t even mean because they’re hungry… they’re just constantly being offered snacks by my friends. Then inevitably they feel bad as my kids aren’t snacking and offer them something too (which I begrudgingly accept as my kids will end up moaning that they’ve not got anything when the other kids have), even though they wouldn’t have had anything if the other kids weren’t either.

I have wondered whether my friend’s think me irresponsible for not constantly feeding snacks in the way that they are!

Yes- absolutely hilarious little ones getting third degree burns or clothing set alight because entitled —thoughtless— folks ignore all the warnings and other tests think throwing them is fun.
Every.Damn.Year.

I think I rather agree with this you’ve let it fester for so long OP that now it’s got blown out of all proportion. It’s not worth ending a friendship over

I totally get you. I meet up with a friend similar to yours. I always buy my son lunch/dinner when we're out. He's a really fussy eater and any opportunity I can get him to eat, I have to take it! I also get hungry and want to get myself something but I've held back at times because even though we're in a café she chooses not to eat.. but she also doesn't get anything for her children. They come out saying they're hungry and I end up getting my son to share because I don't want to see any child go hungry! And it feels rude sitting there eating when they're not. But it's unfair on him, he isn't left with much and I end up buying him seconds. I couldn't just let my child eat someone else's meal. It's a bit like it's unfair you are forced to share a toy and then it gets broken.
It's all forgivable now and again. There's times where we do forget or rushing around but the general pattern you end up paying for them and it starts to leave a sour taste.