to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

Nope! I’m tee total, I have best friends who are recovering alcoholics. I wouldn’t expect others to host a ‘sober Christmas’ for me, no sober person I know would!

If the guy finds being around alcohol too much, he shouldn’t attend.

Maybe they spent the previous 362 days without and only drink at Christmas ?

Missing my point entirely. I’m not saying people shouldn’t have a drink. I certainly will. But to think that’s more important than having family there seems like strange priorities.

Gosh this is difficult. I’d want to be supportive of anyone trying to get and stay sober. Thing is, I’m not a big drinker myself but on Christmas morning I have a glass or two of champagne then with lunch I open a white burgundy (and obviously red if people want some). If I’m totally honest hell would freeze over before I’d forgo those!

I’m not missing your point. I don’t understand your point.

Alcohol is a completely normal part of life, especially at celebrations. Christmas happens once a year and everyone has their own traditions. Alcohol is part of my Christmas tradition. I work hard all year, especially in preparing for Christmas, so I will celebrate the day in my home as I see fit. I wouldn’t curtail my enjoyment of Christmas, and shutting off letting go entirely for one day, unless something significant in my life had happened.

There is nothing strange about that and I don’t consider my sister’s new boyfriend being an addict to be significant enough to drastically change how I celebrate Christmas Day, or to tell other adults that they cannot consume any alcohol in my home on their Christmas Day either. If it was my child, it would be different.

It has nothing to do with priorities. If a person is hosting Christmas and invites you along, you either accept or decline if their plans don’t work for you. Everyone is free to have and arrange the Christmas Day they wish. What you cannot do, is change and limit how others celebrate the day in their own home.

@ChristmasDrinking
So her relationship of roughly 6 months thus far dictates how you in your house spend Christmas?
I'd personally say that I'm not prepared to sacrifice the many for just one
So its up to them both if they do come and he can stick to soft drinks whilst there
Or they could go elsewhere for their Christmas dinner as there'll be many a fancy restaurant or carvery open I'm sure

Does she also insist on having the food shopping deliveried as there's alcohol available in the supermarket?

Does she insist on getting take aways delivered instead of going out because restaurants sell alcohol?

Is he accompanied every time he leaves the house because he'll be walking past pubs and can't be trusted to not go in?

There's opportunities to drink all over the place. If his sobriety claim is true then how is Christmas any different? He's resisted temptation for over 1000 days but might fall off the waggon with OP's cooking sherry?

Yes if they're expecting this when he's 3 years sober then will they expect this for all future Christmases if they stay together?

OP doesn't say who Christmas alternates with but if it's just between her and her sister then presumably next year it's the sisters turn in which they can enforce the rule, and presumably most people won't attend or if they do it will be only for a short while, so they'll be on their own next year anyway.

Goodness, the cheek of her! Do they not go to restaurants, weddings or any other social events because other people might be drinking? The man is clearly not truly sober if he can’t even be around alcohol. If he is still like this after 3 years he should take a look at his sobriety programme. Alternatively, if your sister has manufactured this crisis, she should fuck right off.

This is a really tricky situation. Your sister wants to help her new partner but she is being unreasonable to expect the entire holiday to revolve around him. If I were you I’d stick to the tried a tested my house: my rules formula. By all means provide plenty of non alcoholic alternatives but make it clear that you will he providing alcohol for those who want it.
Next year when Christmas is at her house you can expect it to be a dry holiday.

The BF isn’t family. Dsis is making this about her.

If he has been sober for 3 years then I would guess he hasn’t requested this and will be able to deal with people drinking at Christmas. I would talk to her and ask if he has actually asked for this. The reality is he should not impose himself in this way and they should just spend this Christmas together if it really is the case. I wonder if it is actually because your dsis feels she can’t now drink.

Well it is actually. More important than having one extra partner involved for several days, rather than the alcohol free meal he was invited to. If 9/10 people want to enjoy alcohol over the Christmas period then their wishes trump the 1/10. Don't forget he was invited for dinner and offered for it to be dry, but the sister says that's not enough for some reason.

This is like the trans debate. Ask the vast majority of people who want to do X, to do Y because of a vulnerable minority.

No; three years is plenty long enough to adjust to real life.

As someone previously sober for a long time I think the sister is being silly and a tad naive. Is her bf going to exist in the world never around alcohol again?! There is going to be temptation everywhere.

Your suggestion of an alcohol free dinner is a very generous compromise and they should accept it, then it's up to him to remove himself from the situation if it is a problem for him.

Personally I'd have been a bit embarrassed sitting for dinner knowing everyone else had been forced not to drink because of me. My view is too much revolves around drinking in Western culture, but that's my view and I don't want to impose it on other people.

When she hosts, she can have a no alcohol Xmas if she chooses.

Expecting everyone at yours to go without because of her new bf, the answer would be no. And I don't drink alcohol.

She's already slipping into codependency trying to manage his alcoholism by trying to control what other people do at their own homes.

Completely unreasonable for her to expect this- if her partner after 3 years sober is unable to attend any event where alcohol may be present that is not everyone else's responsibility. Both my parents gave up alcohol due to dependency and never expected this from others.

I wouldn’t entertain this, I don’t drink much the rest of the year but quite like cracking open the champagne for Christmas breakfast having necked Santas port the night before.

Tbh even if you did she’d probably dump him and it’d be a thing where you all remember “that dry Christmas” for many years to come. We hosted a vegan Christmas for someone under similar circumstances ( who as it turned out was vegetarian but didn't eat eggs so used to say vegan, complete arse basically) 17 years ago snd still mutter about annually. Normally while slathering butter on the veg!

Tell me you don’t understand alcoholism without telling me…

ps nobody is an ‘ex-alcoholic’. You can be in recovery, but you’re still an alcoholic.

I voted wrong, meant to vote you’re NOT being unreasonable but doesn’t seem like I can change it. Anyway, if you do it for Christmas she will ask for every occasion. I don’t even think offering an alcohol free dinner is fair on anyone. Maybe they should join on Boxing Day for a walk, breakfast and a few games? If he is really struggling hopefully he is getting help.

I think you have offered a very generous alternative. If sister wants to be there for the whole time she could, and he could just join your family for dinner. Does he not have family of his own? Where does he usually spend Christmas?
Sounds like it is sister making an issue anyway.

Buy some no alcohol wines and bears problem solved

It's as ridiculous as me going to Xmas lunch and insisting everyone eats vegetarian food because I don't eat meat. If the boyfriend's abstinence is so fragile, he needs to stay away.

Nope. I don't drink much at all but I wouldn't expect someone to impose themselves on a family celebration. It's not as if you're all planning to get rat ar%@%d. If he can't cope he should accept the Christmas lunch and then go to let everyone get on.

"She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him."
Family? She's only been dating him since MAY - a whole five months!

Is your sister a People Pleaser? Or the type who contorts herself to please a man? Because honestly, I find it weird of her to be calling him 'family' after such a short relationship, and deeply weird that she expects her actual family to go along with her weird take.