to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

I am a sugar addict. So by your logic it would be fair for me to request no one has anything sweet while I am visiting them in case my addiction is triggered and I binge chocolate/sweet/ great Aunt Maud's trifle?

A partner of five months ≠ family.

Alcohol is part of the hospitality I offer Christmas. My parents enjoy a glass of red wine by the fire, we have bucks fizz on Christmas morning and wine with dinner. And champagne while we open presents. Extended family and friends call in for drinks and nibbles on Boxing Day.

My dad usually gets a few good bottles of whisky and one is opened on Christmas night ( he only has one while we play board games or watch a film)

while we aren’t normally big drinkers, taking alcohol out of Christmas would be strange. There was less alcohol of course when there were small children.

i wouldn’t have a completely dry Christmas for someone my sister has been dating for a few months,

Christmas in our house is about treating yourself, I enjoy wine and champagne. I have champagne rarely, and sipping champagne while opening presents is one of life’s little pleasures.

a really good bottle of wine is a lovely treat. I can cope without it, but I treat myself at Christmas. It’s sad you have to be so judgmental😊

Whatever you decide to do, it shouldn’t be driven by what your sister tells you her boyfriend wants. It sounds like he is happy for everyone to drink and is happy to go to his family. As a recovering alcoholic, I would feel so uncomfortable turning up to Christmas and finding out no one was drinking because of ME! I don’t give a shit if people drink alcohol around me. I buy alcohol to serve to people who come for events at my house. Being around people drinking is no big deal and I have absolutely zero desire to have a drink. I would feel really embarrassed if everyone treated me like a ticking bomb about to go off just because I used to have a drinking problem.

By the great god Bibulous, that's a very unreasonable request at the time of family get-togethers and feasting. Just say 'no' but promise her you'll have a selection of a few non-alcoholic beverages for her new bloke.

I sometimes wonder why MN bothered providing the 'See all' function for the OP's posts. This is one of those times. So many people only reading the OP and diving in. Admittedly it wasn't in the first post, but in the second she makes it very clear that none of this is on the new partner. This is all about what her sister wants. It isn't him demanding to be included in the family Christmas, he wants to go to his sister's so that it doesn't have to be dry for the OP and her family.

He's dealing with his alcoholism in a mature way. He wants to take himself out of the possibility of temptation. Why don't we save our posts for the sister who apparently wants to override what he wants to make him do what she wants.

First paragraph from the OP at 9.24:

I don’t think her boyfriend has requested this. She said that he suggested she spends Christmas with us but without him due to the alcohol issue and that he would spend it with his sister and husband who won’t be drinking due to them having young children. My sister wanted him to spend Christmas with her so she has asked us not to have alcohol.

Well the good news is that the Op has offered to forgo wine at Christmas lunch - so he is free to visit.
just not to dictate her entire Christmas hosting.

But he isn’t dictating , it’s the sister

The boyfriend has decided on a sensible solution - he can see other family. You have come up with another sensible compromise - you have an alcohol free Christmas dinner together. You can’t ask everyone to have an alcohol free party AND Christmas AND Boxing Day FGS. And I am an alcoholic who no longer drinks. I go out for peoples birthdays and I don’t drink. If I couldn’t handle seeing other people drink I wouldn’t go. Like he has suggested. Your sister IBU.

Nobody knows for certain.
But guests - whoever they are - don’t get to dictate to the host what they provide their guests. Accept the invitation or don’t.

I wouldn't be even offering Christmas dinner with no alcohol sorry

What do you mean, no one knows for certain. he’s suggested going to his sister,

They can and do. However wanting to have a few drinks over the Christmas break while with family isn't exactly 'out there' behaviour.

Agree.
If he cannot do even an hour or two with people, where alcohol is available, then he should stay at home or go to his sister.

When this involved a close family member who needed our support in the early days of giving up alcohol we all agreed to have an alcohol free Christmas - he said not to but we decided to do it anyway. No one minded. Since then we have just had normal Christmas meet ups - alcohol is there for those who want it - plenty of nice non alcoholic alternatives. Agree the OPs sister is being unreasonable her bf is not close family and doesn't need support from those he doesn't know.

I have drunk freely in the past and, this year, have really cut back. My DH is the son of an alcoholic and his step mother ended up being one too (he doesn’t see either anymore) so he doesn’t really drink. We will still be around people drinking throughout Christmas and my mum will undoubtedly still get as pissed as she always does (because she doesn’t drink often either, so it doesn’t take much). All the kids will also be around this too and may are young teens. It will be hilarious, we’ll have a great time and nobody will worry about it. I don’t believe that you can stop other people having any alcohol over the festive period for three days and, to be honest, I can’t imagine he hibernates over Christmas normally to avoid being around the festivities that largely involve it!

Like others, I have to wonder if this comes form him or her and if it was a family member at a difficult stage of recovery then that’s different, but, in the circumstances you outline, no, you are not being unreasonable!

My elder brother was a recovering alcoholic and was well known on the AA speaking circuit in Australia. When he came home to visit, he told us that we carried on our lives as normal, people drinking around him was normality and he had no issue with that but interestingly, it was others on the periphery who flapped and made it bigger than it was. If this chap falls off the wagon, it will be down to him and no one could stop him or make him... it is his life choices and his decisions.

This is the thing though, he’s saying he’s not ready to be around people drinking so he’ll remove himself. Nothing wrong with that in any way. Why doesn’t the sister go and spend Christmas with his family if they are basically family?

This is like one of those “everyone has to treat my latest boyfriend’s children the same as their niece/nephew/grandchildren” but on speed given he’s a grown man, barely been on the scene 5 months, suggested a normal arrangement himself so in truth it’s just the DSis trying to manipulate friends and family and her actual boyfriend for three days to suit her wish to be the bestest girlfriend! People never cease to amaze me.

She’s been with him 5 months , and they’ve already agreed to spend the whole Christmas period together? In October?

Nobody on here has said they can't enjoy themselves without alcohol but as a host, I would not want to invite other people and tell them they cannot drink. It's not the right thing to do at all.

Personally, I would bend over backwards to assist a family member who is avoiding alcohol. It doesn’t seem a big deal to avoid drinking for one day if it benefits them. Christmas is about togetherness and enjoying yourselves, it’s pretty sad if you need the crutch of alcohol to have a good time.

They’ve offered Christmas lunch without alcohol which has been rejected.

A recovering alcoholic is not helped by being isolated from alcohol around him. He needs to be able to see others drink and return to a normal social life.