to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

Absolutely this - it would likely be his worst nightmare. It’s Dsis who’s driving this.

My DH proposed in four months. So we'd have considered each other family by then.

Regardless, if my family member introduced a new partner at Christmas I'd be making an effort to include them and get to know them.

If I were the OP, I would be very cross with the sister. Not so much because of the booze / no booze but because she is pushing for such a new boyfriend to be treated as one of the family. I’ve had friends who do this - they turn up with a Weird Man who we have to accommodate in all sorts of ways. Christmas is a terrible time to do this. Everyone is out of routine.

No, I wouldn't acquiesce to this request. Champagne, Baileys, gin, wine etc etc all feature heavily in this household from Christmas Eve through to Boxing Day.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable! She is being unreasonable to even ask.Go ahead with your normal Christmas plans if he can’t be in the presence of alcohol then maybe he/they shouldn’t be there.You can’t revolve everybody’s christmas around one person.I don’t drink myself just a personal choice but alcohol for most is a big enjoyment over the festive period it’s all about indulging

Your sister is being a brat. Her new boyfriend is more than happy to spend it with his sister who is having an alcohol-free Christmas, yet instead she's choosing to create a problem by insisting he comes to yours and that all of you change your plans for a "Merry Christmas". He's not family, he's a new boyfriend, and she's being ridiculous with her bratty behaviour.

I'm so glad someone has said this! That was my first thought too and what I would do. You can get some pretty acceptable alternatives nowadays.

Having said that, there seems to be more going on than just the alcohol issue, like whether he'd rather spend Christmas with his sister and whether he's family.

Your sister is driving this not him. He’s obviously happy to visit his own family.

You’re offering a very reasonable compromise for part of the Christmas festivities that your sister should accept especially since this is a very new relationship.

I have had to give up both alcohol and vaping which I did together a year and a quarter ago due to oral cancer. You just have to get on with life and adjust. Alcohol is everywhere. All over TV programs and literally everywhere on a sunshine beach style holiday. Up and down the high street in restaurants bars and shops.

It is something that I navigate daily with certain pressure points but I would never ever expect others to not drink. My partner enjoys weekends with gin and tonic. I have to enjoy the alcohol free options.

Your sister needs to calm down and let him dictate what he is comfortable with and not insist that everyone remains AF to suit him as the rest of his life has alcohol circulating around him.

IMO it is sad that people cannot cope/"enjoy themselves" without using alcohol.

Nope. If she wants an alcohol free Christmas then she can host one. She can invite people to hers on the clear basis that there'll be no alcohol allowed and people can then make their own decision about attending Christmas at hers.
Cheeky fucker.

The OP has no problem with making Christmas dinner alcohol free.

It's the sister who is insisting on a 3 day stay. (Which I suspect the boyfriend wishes to avoid on any terms...)

You must know how unusual it is to propose within 4 months.

The fact that you considered each other as family did not mean your extended family automatically thought of them as family.

regardless the Op will get to know this man - but this takes time and doesn’t need to be rushed. It’s a marathon not a sprint.

His needs over the Christmas period do not take precedence over the Host and family’s wishes.

I don't think that's fair. Say in our household for example, Christmas is the only time of the year when my DH has to take mandatory leave for 1-2 weeks. So he likes to enjoy drinks everyday over the whole festive period.

He can't just have a drink at any other time due to his work and also needing to drive.

I'm a non-drinker, so it's not hard for me, but I don't see why people who are enjoying time off work or with their families should have to refrain from having a wee drink or more just because she has decided that she'd rather her new boyfriend spend Christmas with her family, than his.

I'd guess the new boyfriend would be mortified about all of this, and it's all OP's sister's doing.

Far better plan for sister to spend Christmas with partner and his family

I do think they could just come for some of it if everyone refuses to give up alcohol for a few days. Not a big deal to me but we don't drink ourselves. Posters on here are BU not to understand that alcoholics can't be around alcohol though

@OonaStubbs

i can enjoy myself without alcohol but I have an even better time with it 🤷‍♀️

Many can and do. I'm not bothered but i certainly wouldn't make anyone abstain because an alcoholic was visiting.

Firstly, it is unreasonable to expect/demand that traditional family celebrations and practices be suspended at one person's behest for the comfort of a person that is not family, but a guest of a family member that may or may not become family.

Secondly, the food, the alcohol, the traditions, they're all integral. One of my best Christmas memories is my MIL and me making the Christmas trifle, and getting very happily tipsy, as we poured one for the trifle, and one for us. We love a mimosa in the mornings as we unwrap stockings. Mine is alcohol free now, but it's not something we'd give up happily. We love buying special wines for Christmas, and I still very much enjoy tracking down THE bottle of red for DH to enjoy. I'm still trying to figure out alcohol free baileys, because it was great to wrap presents to! So yes, it is a big ask for one of the big days of feasting and tradition to excise a significant part of it, whether you're teetotal or not. Particularly when you are asking/demanding it of a large number of people, over a number of generations.

There is absolutely no need, and no reason, to be insulting about how people choose to celebrate and enjoy this time, it's possible to be respectful and compassionate about a person's individual struggles without requiring everybody else to change what they enjoy or do around them.

Personally I wouldn't be surprised if OP's sister didn't have a bit of form for trying to control things, and making everything about her and how she wants them to be, and this wasn't just one more chapter where you need to decide whether to indulge this current demand or educate her that the world doesn't necessarily accede to the stamp of her dainty wee foot.

Nobody on here has said they can't enjoy themselves without alcohol but as a host, I would not want to invite other people and tell them they cannot drink. It's not the right thing to do at all.

If she was hosting and saying there won't be alcohol, that means that people can decline to accept but telling someone else how they will run their own hosted event has some brass neckery.

And I'm an alcoholic, three years in recovery, and yes, I can be around alcohol! It is my responsibility to be aware of my vulnerabilities and to manage them.

There is no blanket way for individuals to respond to the addiction.

No I'm afraid not.
I really wouldn't entertain imposing such a restriction on a family Christmas to accommodate someone new joining.

If his sobriety is so fragile he should perhaps come for the meal and leave directly afterwards.

Your sister is being completely unreasonable to ask this.

Whatever she is like generally, this is a presumptuous, entitled, CF ask IMO.

Actually his (wonderful) family treated me like family from the first time they met me. My parents also made every effort to get to know him.

I feel very lucky to have in-laws like I do and I feel confident that they'd have sacrificed having alcohol for their brother/son's sake if I was a recovering alcoholic and he wanted to bring me over for Christmas.

Have you read the titlle of this thead?

I don't drink alcohol by choice but I think your sister is being silly.

She can't impose rules on everyone and if her partner has been sober for three years he should be able to navigate being around people who might have a couple of drinks to celebrate Christmas.

Also she has only known this man for a few months and should not expect her relatives to bend over backwards for him during a celebration.

I even read the OP!

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol