to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

Exactly. My family and I will have an aperitif and one glass of wine with Xmas dinner, then a port in the evening. It’s not a huge amount but we really, really enjoy it and it would feel a big loss if we had to not do it.

No absolutely not! You have offered a alcohol free Christmas dinner,that’s a lovely alternative,but why should you all not be able to let your hair down for the holidays.sorry she has only been with this guy a few months anyway,and may possibly not be with him by next Christmas.

If alcohol is more important to you and your family than your relationship with your sister, then she’s probably better off walking away tbh. And yes, I like a drink, and yes, I’m quite happy not to have one if it causes a problem for other people. It’s what we do for the people we care about.

lol 🤣

I can see a reasonable discussion about what a group of people should be expected to do / give up for the sake of an individual.

But what has taken me aback from this thread is quite how much people seem to think a good Christmas is synonymous with booze. Really? Can’t say I would bat an eyelid over not having a drink, its so unimportant, it’s about time together.

It's Christmas? Why should they?

Nice alcohol, nice food, nice company are the three pillars of an enjoyable Christmas for me. It would be really disappointing without any one of those.

OP have you met the gentleman concerned?
I ask because drinkers are like ex smokers, in the early days it's all they talk about (IMO).
Perhaps he's relapsed recently, perhaps he's asked for help?
If he is what we call a 'dry drunk' they are always fearful. It's actually a good thing he's told your sister early. Alcoholics don't tend to share their addiction and people can get drawn in. I'm assuming they're not planning children?

There's a great book by Sober Dave called one for the road. It's written from a man's perspective. Worth a read (don't give it as a present obviously!).
From my nearly five years experience of giving up the grog, if you can talk about it you're getting somewhere. Alcoholism needs to see the light.

Fuck that. He doesnt need to come. Probably best if he doesn’t

I was a heavy drinker for years until the August i stopped. When it got to that Xmas, i didn't ask anyone in my family to not have a drink, why would i want to spoil their Xmas? If he's still not drinking after 3 years it is very odd that he still finds it a problem to be around other drinkers. I would say that it's unfair to stop others from enjoying themselves if they want to.

I don't drink. I don't like the taste of any of it really and I find that even a glass of wine gives me a headache. I'd still be saying 'No' to my sister because the majority of guests DO enjoy a drink.

I think it's reasonable to say 'It's Christmas. It's a party/celebration. There will be alcohol and some of the guests will probably drink quite a lot (they would if they were my family). If Bob prefers not to join us because it will make it difficult for him then we absolutely understand. It's entirely up to you, Sarah - but we won't be re-arranging the festive arrangements to suit one person I'm afraid'

She can do what she likes when she hosts but no, she cannot stipulate your hosting. She can of course choose not to, and if they find it hard, they’d best not go.
When I’m dieting, I don’t tell people what to eat!

If the OP was getting married soon would it be acceptable for her sister to ask her to have a alcohol free wedding? Or hosting a birthday party? Or even a summer bbq?

Assuming this relationship lasts for the next decade or is nobody in the family never ever going to be allowed to have a drink in that time?

But this isn’t a family member. It’s a new boyfriend of a family member.

Can’t say I would bat an eyelid over not having a drink, its so unimportant, it’s about time together.

Unimportant to you, perhaps, but alcohol is a completely normal and integral part of a celebration.

Why are people pretending that they don’t understand this, or that drinking alcohol is unusual?

I have children, so I don’t really drink much anymore. But Christmas Day is an exception. When else can you wake up to a pile of presents, have seafood and champagne for breakfast (chocolate for the children), get dressed up, cook an absolute feast and spend uninterrupted time with your loved ones because no one has anywhere else to be.

I just love Christmas Day. It would take something significant to change how I host and celebrate Christmas - my sister’s boyfriend being an alcoholic isn’t it.

I voted YABU for potentially forcing the remainder of the family to have Christmas dinner without wine!
If your sister's BF can't control himself then she should leave him at home.

It’s the fact that you’ve offered a fair compromise and she’s basically said it’s her way or no way that would annoy me. Sod that.

I don’t drink any more as I had an alcohol problem, I do not expect anyone not to drink because of me. This may be coming from her not him, I could understand if it was early days, but it’s been 3 years. Alcohol is everywhere, she (and maybe him) are being totally unreasonable. If he can’t be around alcohol then they shouldn’t come. Their choice - you shouldn’t have to change how you spend Christmas! Stick to your guns on this one!

Sis and BF can have a lovely dry/sober and cosy Christmas, just the two of them

Pigs in blankets and Xmas pud aren’t a need, but they are a want for many. It’s Christmas and people should be able to enjoy what they like at the one time of year when indulgence doesn’t need an excuse. Wine is bloody delicious with a big roast dinner. I would be fuming if someone wanted to remove it from the table that I had slaved all day over to make nice for everyone. Sis and bf can always go elsewhere.

It feels more of a red flag that it’s her requesting this, not him, and he’s identified an alternative solution where they don’t spend Christmas together. TBH, your sister sounds oddly co-dependent.

The first step in recovery is admitting that EVERYONE ELSE has a problem. Isn't that right, Alondra?

I don't drink and had an ex with alcohol issues and think that this is a completely unreasonable request.
As others have said, if he actually was family and it was very early in their recovery journey that would be different, but for a new boyfriend and he's 3 years in then it's up to him to manage.

If that did happen then wouldn't it be best for the sister to know now that his recovery is so fragile? If he can't be around any alcohol then does that mean that if they stay together they could never attend weddings/parties etc and the only gatherings they can attend are ones where they can ask people not to drink?

He doesn't want to spend Cristmas with his new girlfriend's family. He wants to spend it with his own family. The alcohol might be a part of it or just a handy excuse to not upset your sister so much.
Your sister is being unreasonable for not respecting his desire to spend Christmas with his own sister and his young DNs.
Christmas with not-even-in-laws where they are all drinking and I can't have any alcohol is my idea of hell.