to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

Exactly! How hard is it for some posters to understand? This is all on the sister trying to force a situation that no one wants except her....

You're not being unreasonable. I'd ask maybe whether it's helpful to keep the booze in a specific cupboard/fridge bit ir a part of the house where other people can go get it - that way it isn't in his face or on the table at eye line.
How do they go anywhere or do anything? If you all went to a restaurant there'd be alcohol, there's even alcohol at christmas light trails, theatres, the cinema and garden centres these days. I can't believe that he genuinely can't cope being in a house with it. I suspect she is trying to make him extra welcome and comfortable and instead is making you all a bit annoyed!

No I'd decline my sister is an alcoholic and made other plans Christmas day. Now those plans have fallen through and she is unfortunately coming to us. I've declined her request for an alcohol free Christmas. We enjoy a drink on Christmas day. It's up to the person to abstain not you.

Your offer of a dinner alcohol free is good. I get her concern, she doesn't want the temptation to be there or for him feel not on the same level. Perhaps they skip the Christmas eve 'party' as that may involve more alcohol and you can have a good drink then, and then Christmas dinner alcohol free, few drinks in the afternoon and not a skin full where he sucks it up and it will also check his ability to not partake before your sister gets too attached to her 3 month partner. And yes, this is coming from someone who's done 'no alcohol' events due to the same reason, and now that person does drink....if they want to they will!

You were generous to offer the alcohol free dinner, tbh! I wouldn’t have. Part of this man’s recovery is to manage normal social situations in which others will be drinking. If he’s not there yet, it’s on him to avoid those situations. Nobody can expect the world to bend around their needs to this extent, it’s not reasonable.

This. If you were to inconvenience the whole family for this one person your sister would demand this on every occasion. It's ridiculous

It's a tricky situation for you as host OP.

My partner is 4 months sober at the moment and I'm worried about Christmas for him. While his family apparently care and were worried for him when he was struggling with addiction (for the past 6 years), they don't care enough to help him by removing the temptation and have continued to drink around him and even offer him a drink when they're having one throughout this battle!! It's been the cause of many relapses.

So while I appreciate you don't feel like you can ask everyone not to drink for someone who is basically a stranger, at least make sure people know not to offer him a drink directly!

Wow, imagine if pregnant women demanded everyone stay sober at Christmas as they were missing having a drink?!

OP I'd take the guidance of the recovering alcoholics who have posted their views.

Some of the other camp are just being sanctimonious twerps seizing any opportunity to virtue signal. 🙄

TBF not really the same thing.

More akin to a woman who can't have children asking people with kids to leave them behind/not attend.

Agree with others that your sister is being ridiculous. Has she said whether this request is from him or just her? Either way, she’s deluded, especially the part about him being ‘faaaamily’ after a few months.

I reckon he’s not completely sober. She will have seen or experienced something that tells her he will turn into Linda Carter at Christmas.

Sober for 3 years but a visit to your house for x mas is going to stop that? Surely he’s entered other places which contain alcohol in three years!

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons, however I have family who do and celebrate Christmas. When I go over I simply don't drink and my relatives know so do not offer it to me. There are other drinks on the menu..

It is your house, you are hosting therefore you get to decide what is on the menu as long as you are not forcing anyone to drink / eat something they don't want to.

Edit: An ex - partner of mine had alcohol issues, so had to stay sober and away from the stuff, but we did go places which served alcohol, and hang out in the company of people who drank..

it’s pretty sad if you need the crutch of alcohol to have a good time.

Its so MN how so many posters just jump straight to the hyperbole where alcohol is concerned (and I say that as someone who had a much loved alcoholic family member). Want a drink at Christmas? = its a crutch that you can't possibly enjoy yourself without it.

I am a very moderate drinker but I still like a Bucks Fizz at Christmas breakfast and a glass of prosecco with lunch. Precisely because I don't do that at any other day of the year it makes Christmas day different and something of a treat. Same as I don't eat mince pies or dive into a tub of Cadbury Heroes at any other time of year but will happily eat my own body weight in them come the third week of December.

People like to drink (and not to excess) at a wedding, party even a works night out. Are we meant to believe they are all using it as a crutch too? If the OPs sister gets invited to a wedding next year with her partner is she going to insist nobody drinks then, just in case. Where do you draw the line?

Agree with this.

As much as I feel that booze is in people's faces everytime you turn around at this time of year, asking the entire household to be dry for the entire holiday (that they're with you) is quite unfair.

This is a completely different scenario, he is an alcoholic. While I sympathise with the OP's dilemma and agree they shouldn't change their plans some posters don't appear to understand the difference between being having an addiction to alcohol and choosing not to have a drink for any other reason.

Tell your DSis that she can have an alcohol free Christmas next year ….at her home, where she does the inviting, the planning, the buying, the decorating, the food and drink catering, the housekeeping, the hosting and the clearing up and making good afterwards.
But until then, sorry no, she can’t lay down the law as a guest.

All you can guarantee is that nobody will be forcing her or her bf to drink alcohol.
And nobody is forcing either of them to accept your kind invitation. If she doesn’t like the set-up at yours, then she is free to decline and you will be completely understanding of her decision.

Your sister is being massively unreasonable. Is she going to demand that people don’t drink at summer BBQs and at any weddings/christenings/funerals that they might attend together?

As host I’d make sure he wasn't offered any alcohol and that I had catered for him.

Curious, will she allow you to have a brandy soaked Christmas Pudding.

You could ask the other guests what they think. They may not mind as much as you expect. Your compromise of a sober meal seems like a reasonable compromise, though, and realistically, her boyfriend will probably have to be around people drinking from time to time and have to learn how to cope with it, eventually.

It is that single time of the year where alcohol and chocolate at breakfast time is not only perfectly acceptable, but positively encouraged.

@TealHacks particularly Bolinger and Quality Street!

No sorry … if there was no alcohol I wouldn’t go. People have been working all year and want to relax over Xmas with a drink! She’s being selfish.

YANBU. I think you've offered a perfectly reasonable compromise by suggesting an alcohol-free Christmas dinner. You're already taking his situation into consideration, but there are several other family members whose wishes matter too. I don't think it's fair to expect everyone to change their Christmas traditions for two people, especially when you've already offered a solution that allows everyone to spend time together.

This is a red flag after 3 years one should be able to stand next to a bottle without not trusting themselves not to drink it - I would say come and serve yourselves whatever drink you wish or don’t come and stay at home in his safe environment

You don't want people around you drinking, simply because you don't enjoy it, so you use manipulative language to try and shame people. Thats incredibly sad imo.

I am not much of a drinker. I don't drink at home throughout the year and only really drink when I'm out out. I adore my christmas eve Baileys hot chocolate or 2, and my Bucks fizz on christmas day morning while opening presents. Maybe a coffee with a cheeky splash of Baileys in it with breakfast then thats me done for the day.
It makes me happy and my enjoyment of christmas matters too so I would be declining the 3 day abstinence.

I think you have offered a good compromise
@ChristmasDrinking .

Christ she’ll be asking shops not to sell booze next to the milk fridges Incase he can’t help himself.
Tell her he is an adult! Lol 😂